


Put Up The Walls That We Just Pulled Down

by vivalamusaine



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Abduction, Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming In Pants, Death Threats, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Face Punching, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grantaire-centric, Guilt, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Kissing, Les Amis de l'ABC - Freeform, M/M, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks, Pining Grantaire, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Threats, Violence, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-05-24 03:44:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 61,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6140494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivalamusaine/pseuds/vivalamusaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Les Amis De l'ABC has grown consideringly larger and more important since a protest that should have taken their lives was overwhelming successful. As a result however Grantaire feels alienated from his friends as though they are steadily growing apart.</p><p>Little do they know though, their petty dramas are nothing compared to the real life dangers that are waiting for the members now that they've made a name for themselves, and Grantaire is thrown straight in the middle of it.</p><p>A very dramatic E/R Slow burn fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Avoidance

**Author's Note:**

> Title is shamelessly taken from a song called "Drink til you Drown" By Fourth Floor Collapse.
> 
> This fic will be a tad bit on the dramatic side btw.

Grantaire was drifting off again. It was fast becoming a trend towards the ends of weekly meetings of the ABC. Ever since they'd grown in size from their notorious protest (Or “The Big One” as Courf liked to refer to it) Combeferre and Enjolras had insisted on extending their meetings to open up the floor more to new members.

 

In the time after “The Big One” things had changed dramatically. Their protest had not only made headlines but had also changed the entire groups dynamic. Enjolras was still undeniably the leader, however where before he'd stood alone and talked passionately he was now joined by Combeferre and Marius. Apparently he'd thought they'd proven themselves worthy enough in the field to earn a place beside him. The tone of their meetings had also changed, whereas before it had been a mess of serious discussions, inside jokes and friendly banter it had now turned completely on the serious side, and any discussions outside of the meetings talking points were left for after they'd been dismissed. Because their group had also grown considerably larger Grantaire no longer felt comfortable inserting his ramblings and snide comments into their discussions.

 

Which is how he'd come to drifting off into his daydreams towards the end of them. Without his own contributions his mind began to wander. Today it was focused on the memory of his hands touching Enjolras' as they stood in front of a group of heavily armed riot police. He couldn't be sure but when he'd asked for Enjolras' permission he could have sworn he saw a hint of pride in his eyes. It had been almost 4 months since and they had never discussed it. Grantaire had attempted to once at a party about a week after the event but was quickly shut down by an abrupt change of subject and Enjolras quickly leaving at the first opportunity. Ever since then he hadn't even attempted to talk about it with Enjolras. Where Grantaire held onto the memories fondly and held them close it was evident that Enjolras was anxious to push them far away. He certainly wasn't going to force him to talk about it if it made him that uncomfortable to remember his touch.

 

He heard the scrape of chairs being pushed back and saw in his peripheral vision people moving to get up. The meeting must be finished. Grantaire made to head out of the door as quickly as possible. The original members of the Les Amis had made it a habit to all go out together after the meeting to catch up, usually to a bar or club or occasionally at their old cafe. He wasn't actively avoiding his friends, he just had felt a strange separation between them since the protest, as though this was what they were destined to do and he was destined to... He wasn't quite sure, but he didn't think his future prospects were quite as bright as his friends.

 

“R!” He heard somebody call out to him as he made his way to the door. He ignored the voice pretending he didn't hear it and subtly picked up his pace. 

 

“GRANTAIRE!” He couldn't ignore that. Not when it was four voices at an alarmingly loud volume all in unison and the girl exiting the meeting beside him raised her eyebrow and shot him a look that said “Do you seriously not hear that?”

 

He set what he'd hoped was a convincing grin on his face before turning around and making his way over to his friends. The original members were all together talking amongst themselves. Feuilly, Bahorel, Bossuet and Joly seemed to be the guilty parties behind the shouting as they were all smirking as though they'd done something incredibly smart.

 

“Jesus you guys, ever heard of an inside voice?” He joked as he made his way over to them.

 

“Well maybe if you'd heard us using our inside voices we wouldn't have to resort to an inappropriate level of noise” Joly replied, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder as he reached them.

 

“We're all going to the Blue Window together.” Feuilly said excitedly “They've got a happy hour that lasts from 7-10!”

 

Bossuet tried to subtly elbow Feuilly in the side but ended up accidently knocking him to the floor. “Oh sorry... They've got really good food there too though, it's actually a pretty decent place.” He added as he helped Feuilly off the floor.

 

Grantaire rolled his eyes “You don't have to skid around it like its a puppy in the middle of the street guys. I've been in bars since I've been getting sober. It's fine.” He shrugged at the end of his sentence to emphasise the casualness of his tone. Although it was difficult being around his friends sober whilst they were the opposite it wasn't quite as hard as he thought it would be, in fact it was quite amusing at times and made for some of his most memorable snapchats (Which he reminded himself he would have likely forgotten to record if he'd been drinking himself.)

 

“So you'll come with us then!” Bahorel said, louder than necessary and clapping him on the shoulder. Grantaire frowned “I didn't say that. I can't come. I have work to do.”

 

They all groaned in disappointment and Grantaire saw Jehan and Courfeyrac look over at them. “Oh, Boo! If I can't use that excuse then you definitely can't! Besides you work from home, you can do your work whenever you want.” Feuilly exclaimed sounding scandalised and a little bit jealous.

 

“That's not... Entirely true. I still have deadlines to meet you know...”

 

“Weak! That is a WEAK excuse! 0 out of 10. Would not recommend” Bahorel boomed, now everybody had stopped their individual conversations to look over and see what all the fuss was about. Graintaire was growing flustered feeling so many eyes on him.

 

“...Fine. But I have to go by 10PM. I really do have a deadline. ” It was a half truth. Though he did technically have a deadline to reach on his latest graphic design job it was months away from now and Grantaire was not planning on working on it tonight.

 

Joly and Bossuet cheered and Bahorel clapped him on the shoulder again, almost knocking him to the floor with the enthusiasm he put behind it. Although he'd been feeling like a bit of an outcast lately it felt good to know his friends still genuinely enjoyed his company. _Watch how long that lasts_ Grantaire thought to himself bitterly and then immediately pushed the thought far away feeling guilty for its occurrence.

 

After some idle chit chat, the group began to gather their things and head out towards The Blue Window. Grantaire had never been there before and assumed from the name it was a trendy hipster bar the likes of which Jehan would endear and Eponine would despise. As they walked, Grantaire's pace fell back towards where Courfeyrac and Marius were walking chatting away about a movie they'd recently seen. Grantaire contentedly listened to their banter.

 

“So have you guys been to to this bar before?” Grantaire asked when Marius had finished complimenting the films historical accuracy “I'm assuming it's some kind of underground hipster joint”

 

Marius and Courfeyrac shared a look before both bursting into laughter. “It's almost the complete opposite.” Courfeyrac explained at his confused look.

 

“It's like the starbucks version of a bar” Marius continued “They've been popping up all over. It's like a franchise or something.”

 

“You're kidding me?” Grantaire said staring at them in disbelief. “So how'd you convince Enjolras to go to this capitalistic big business place?” It had been a well known fact that Enjolras had point blank refused to enter a Starbucks or similar establishment choosing instead to support local businesses and telling everybody who listened where he'd bought his coffee from.

 

“Well...” Marius started looking sheepishly at Courfeyrac.

 

“He doesn't exactly know.” Courfeyrac finished. “He seems to be under the impression it's owned by a delightful older gentleman from Ireland.”

 

Grantaire raised his eyebrows “And who gave him that impression, I wonder?”

 

“Oh like you can talk” Courfeyrac laughed “You once bought us all starbucks coffee and poured them into plain cups and didn't tell us where it was from until we'd finish them. Enjolras was pissed!”

 

“Ah,” Grantaire said fondly “That was glorious. I thought for sure you'd all find my body in a shallow grave the next day.”

 

By the time they'd reached the Blue Window Courfeyrac, Marius and Grantaire had swapped no less than five instances they'd thought Enjolras would murder him. Grantaire could tell straight away that this place was a franchise. If the design of their sign and the corresponding logo beside it weren't enough the primary coloured walls and tacky interior design was a huge red flag. Enjolras however was making his way over to a large table and didn't appear to notice.

 

 

***

 

It was just past midnight and Grantaire's friends were absolutely trashed. Marius had kindly offered to only have one drink to keep Grantaires sobriety company- and had kept his promise in terms of drinking, but had swiftly forgotten about the company aspect as soon as Cosette came in and lavished him with attention. He hadn't been entirely alone however. Courfeyrac had made him dance with him, Joly and Bossuet were constantly making sure he was alright and asking him if he needed anything and he'd had a rather existential discussion with Combeferre and Feuilly about space (“I'm not saying that aliens don't exist I'm just saying I don't think they're little grey men with huge black eyes and probes”). All in all he had had a good time and was finding himself increasingly aware that he'd stayed out long past the limit he'd set himself. He'd wondered however, with his friends in this state whether they'd notice the time and was considering this when Enjolras sat across from him suddenly.

 

“I thought you had to leave at 10?” He said looking at his watch. Grantaire was surprised that Enjolras had heard him say that let alone remember it. He suddenly had a paranoid thought that Enjolras had been counting down the hours waiting for him to leave.

 

“I did.” He said quickly caught in his lie. “But I sent the guy some thumbnails and a Lorem Ipsum before the meeting today and he sent me an email saying he's pushing the deadline back so we can discuss some preliminary changes” Grantaire knew if he threw in enough technical lingo it would deter Enjolras enough from asking too many questions.

 

Enjolras nodded slowly “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

Grantaire shrugged “It doesn't really mean either. It happens all the time. Sometimes they just want to tweak a few things before they make it public and sometimes they decide they're going in a completely different artistic direction and ask me to redo it or hire another designer to do their next logo. Either way I get paid.”

 

“I don't know if I could do that” Enjolras said frowning “Put so much work into something for somebody else only for them to scrap it right in front of you.”

 

Grantaire laughed “Well it's not exactly like I'm painting the Sistine Chapel or anything. It's just business logos and website fillers.”

 

“Yeah but still you put so much time into this stuff. Well I'm guessing you do anyway since you seem to never have time to spend with us anymore.” Enjolras said this casually as he sipped his drink. But Grantaire had known Enjolras for too long, he knew nothing the blonde said was ever accidental. He knew the exact impact the words had on Grantaire at that moment he had made that impact deliberately.

 

Grantaire could ignore the implication, he could defend himself or he could hit back. At that moment the latter option seemed the most tempting, the only problem was that he didn't have anything to hit back with. He had no dirt on Enjolras and he'd been avoiding his company so much lately that he didn't think anything he could throw at the man would stick. Enjolras' eyes were refusing to leave him awaiting his reply and Grantaire had a brief memory flash in his mind of a different look in Enjolras' eyes.

 

“Do you want me to say I've been avoiding you all? Because I haven't been. I really have been busy.”

 

Enjolras shrugged lazily and leaned back in his chair “You hear what you want to hear, I never said that... Although if you're getting that defensive about it maybe subconsciously you know you have been.”

 

Grantaire could feel himself getting flushed.

 

“It doesn't matter anyway” Enjolras continued his voice carrying a funny tone Grantaire coudln't place “You're here tonight so I guess you're not completely avoiding us”

 

“I'm not avoiding anybody!” Grantaire exclaimed loudly.

 

“Really? You're not avoiding anybody?” Enjolras sounded almost sarcastic in his tone as though his level of disbelief had reached dry humour standards.

 

“No! Who would I be avoiding?” Grantaire asked throwing his arms up in frustration.

 

Enjolras narrowed his eyes and looked at him for a long time. Grantaire merely looked back at him angrily. Usually this kind of unbroken eye contact and tension in the air would be killing him but he was too fed up to break it. The worst part was that he knew deep down he was lying to Enjolras, and it looked as though Enjolras knew too.

 

Finally Enjolras broke his eye contact by rolling his own eyes. “Well if you don't want to be honest with me-”

 

“I tried being honest with you Enjolras.” Grantaire said standing up and grabbing his phone from the table. He was absolutely done with tonight. “You changed the subject and walked away when it very clearly meant a lot to me so excuse me if I'm I haven't been feeling particularly chatty lately ”

 

He walked away before his emotions could get the better of him. He'd silently promised himself that night that he'd never let Enjolras know just how much it had hurt him to be turned away like that but it looked like his stupid mouth couldn't help itself. He was out of the door before Enjolras could register what he had said and as he walked home with an unusually fast pace he felt the sting in his eyes and the hot tears against his cold face.

 

He couldn't deny it anymore, he had been trying to distance himself from his friends, most particularly Enjolras. He hadn't however stopped to think about why he'd been doing so. Now it was abundantly clear, every time he talked to the man he seemed to send himself into an unhealthy emotional spiral. For once his sense of self preservation was kicking in and telling him to stay away. He wished desperately that he had listened. He found himself rounding the corner to the Cafe Musaine where they used to hold their meetings before they'd suddenly gained an influx of new members and it was deemed to crowded and rowdy to continue holding them there.

 

Grantaire stopped in his paces and looked up at the tall building that held the cafe suddenly feeling very lost and saddened. _You're almost home now_   he told himself. _Just keep walking and you can grab a blanket, go to bed and forget about tonight_. But he stayed rooted to the stop looking up at the building with a strangely nostalgic feeling.

 

Perhaps if he wasn't so lost in his own thoughts he would have noticed the people that were coming up from behind him and had time to react accordingly. But Grantaire was taking completely by surprise when he suddenly felt huge hands pull him backwards into an alleyway, he made a yelping noise in surprise and suddenly another hand with a cloth pressed firmly against his mouth and nose. He tried desperately to struggle free but took in a strong breath of a chemically smelling odour.

 

 _Oh shit._ He thought to himself struggling desperately against the arms that held him. The string of curses in his head softened to mush as he felt himself drifting off into a forced sleep.

 


	2. Senses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire awakes to find that there's a lot that's been going on in the Les Amis without him realising. 
> 
> His most savoured moment with Enjolras at the Protests has been taken out of context and as a result he finds his life in danger. 
> 
> Warning: There is a lot of violence in this chapter. Nothing extremely major but it is very heavy within it. There is also one homophobic slur used.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. On one hand its essential to move the plot forward on the other hand I had it mapped out so differently in my head to how it reads I'm not sure if I like or hate how it turned out.

Grantaire began to wake up with what felt like the worst hangover he'd ever experienced. His senses weren't all quite there yet, He felt physically ill and his head was pounding. Slowly his body began to catch up with his mind. His sense of touch was the first to return, he felt something rough restraining his wrists behind his back and when he attempted to move his hands he felt his efforts futile and the floor beneath him seemed to vibrate. He could smell again as well and wherever he was it smelled disgusting. Stale cigarettes, old paper and a sharp tinge of metal pressed against his nose.

 

Then his sense of sound began to return to him. It was muffled and ringing at first but then loud, much, _much_ too loud in his ears. There were unfamiliar voices conversing in quick and sharp tones but his brain felt like mush and nothing specific was registering. His mouth tasted sickeningly sweet and another wave of nausea passed over him. He attempted to move his eyes behind his lids before he tried to open them only to find that they felt oddly heavy and the effort was making him ache so he stopped and focused on his other senses.

 

From what was he could gather he was definitely tied up in some way, it felt like rope but he could be mistaken. From the whirring sounds around him and the vibrating metal beneath him he was likely in a car. Perhaps the boot? But no... He thought the voices were much to clear for that to be right... The voices... Focus on the voices.

 

He kept his eyes tightly shut whilst he strained his hearing and his concentration.

 

“-roughed up a bit. I don't think it will take much he's clearly not the strongest leak in their system.”

 

“As long as it doesn't turn out like what happened to the kid from London”

 

“That kid got what was coming to him and if this ones planning what we think they are then he does too. See how much Blondie likes to stoke the fire when his accomplices start turning up in the morgue.”

 

“Our instructions were clear. We can't kill him until he tells us everything. After that I don't give a fuck what you do to him but not a minute before.”

 

At the word kill a panic unlike anything Grantaire had ever felt washed over him. They undoubtedly were talking about him. It was irrational and had he been in a more clear mindset he would have possibly considered the option of faking unconsciousness but adrenaline had sprung his senses into flight mode and he struggled desperately against the bonds to get out. He tried to stand and collapsed almost instantly hitting his chin against the ground hard, he hadn't realised his feet had been restrained as well. He heard a course laughter around him and his eyes opened instinctively.

 

He was inside of what appeared to be a small truck. No larger than a shipping container and there were 3 people surrounding him, staring at him, mocking him. He attempted to move again and felt a sharp pain in his side where one of the men kicked him.

 

“Alright boys. Lets have some fun” One of the voices drawled and he felt a cold fear rush through ever nerve in his body.

 

The man who spoke banged on the side of the truck almost abruptly the engine came to a stop. Where before everything had felt deafeningly loud it was suddenly too quiet. The had stopped laughing and all Grantaire could hear was his own ragged breath. The man who knocked walked slowly towards him and every echo of his heel meeting the steel beneath it made Grantaire feel cold. The man crouched down before him and lifted Grantaires chin from the cold floor slightly to meet his eyeline.

 

He looked to be in his mid 40's, there were lines etched so deeply into his face that it was evident when he was younger he'd hit the hard stuff at full speed and perhaps he was still involved in those things because his eyes were shot with patches of red and his pupils would not hold focus. Grantaire had no idea what he could have done to cross paths with a man like this let alone get on his bad side.

 

“I know exactly who you are and who you associate yourself with so if I ask you a question I expect you to answer it truthfully because I will know if you tell me a lie” Grantaire recognised his voice as the one that warned the others not to kill him until he got what he wanted. Somehow this information did nothing to comfort him. The man let go of Grantaire's face and pulled a knife from his shirt pocket and flicked it open. “If you do choose to lie to me, I will hurt you. And I'm going to draw it out until you stop lying, so save yourself some time and some pain and don't lie to me, okay?”

 

Grantaire nodded. He was scared and confused and absolutely had no idea what the hell kind of information he could have that could be considered useful. He could list the key artistic movements of each century dating back to 1200AD. Or recite from memory the entire South Park movie including the songs and commentary track but somehow he didn't think that was the kind of information men like this sought. So he waited for the man to speak again feeling sick with anticipation. The man stood up and took a few paces back.

 

“Your name is Grantaire correct?” He asked. Grantaire nodded, his hopes of these men having taken the wrong person dashing as quickly as they'd come.

 

“And you participated in the July protests that were started by a group of students.” Grantaire nodded again, his tongue feeling heavy.

 

“What's the name of the group that started those riots?” The man asked with the air of somebody who already knew the answer.

 

Grantaire hesitated before choking out in a hoarse voice “Les Amis De l'ABC” saying it aloud felt like a betrayal. Like he'd spilled some dark secret, not that he had. Their groups name was made public for all eyes to see when the press began to cover the story that very night.

 

The man nodded in approval and continued “And you were one of the original members of the group?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Were you the founder?”

 

“No.” Grantaire answered confused and expecting the man to accuse him of lying, but he merely nodded and stroked the rough stubble on his chin, he looked to be wording his next question carefully and Grantaire knew he was finally getting to the reason as to why he was in this mess.

 

“And the founder of your special little club, what's his name?”

 

Grantaire felt another wave of dread wash over him. Of course this had something to do with him. Of course.“Enjolras.” He almost whispered. His throat was constrained and he felt his chest constrict. What on earth could Enjolras had done to piss off what looked to be a bunch of meth head ex bikers. The answer was probably everything.

 

“And how would you describe your relationship with Enjolras”

 

Had he not been completely terrified and staring at the man's knife he would have laughed and said something along the lines of “That may take a while to explain. Make yourself comfortable.” But instead he swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to keep his voice steady as he answered “He's my friend.” As he said the word aloud he caught flashes of the Amis' faces around him. All laughing and smiling and he suddenly felt the sudden need to get out of this situation, to survive, just to see them again, to laugh with them, to embrace them one more time. He'd been so foolish trying to push them away, and now look at him. By the end of the night he'd probably end up in a shallow grave somewhere and when he didn't show up they'd just assume he was ignoring them like he had been doing this whole month.

 

He was snapped out of his thoughts by a sharp disappointed tutting from the leader. He lifted his head slightly to see the man's pupils darting and a sneer on his face. “I thought I told you not to lie to me, boy.” he said with malice in his voice. He nodded at one of the men who was standing to one side who came over swiftly and lifted him effortlessly by his shirt front, and then proceeded to punch him in the face. It didn't have a lot of force behind it but it had enough to make his head spin and emit a noise he wasn't proud of. The punching man then proceeded to drop him, and having know way to break his fall, Grantaire landed with a sickening thud onto his side.

 

“Now I'm going to ask you again. What's your relationship with him?” The man said drawing closer his voice filled with venom and impatience.

 

“He's... He's my enemy. I hate him.” Grantaire implored, tasting blood in his mouth and hoping he'd given them the answer they'd wanted. “Nope.” The man said, and Grantaire was winded as a swift kick landed at his stomach. “Try again.” The man crouched down in front of them and brandished his blade. “Next time you lie to me it's going to be my good friend here who gets the next hit.”

 

Grantaire couldn't breathe. He felt whole body go numb. He had to say something and yet he drew a complete blank. He had no idea what this man wanted to hear and if he were wrong thing again... Well lets just say he was sure that this guy wasn't the sort to make empty threats. His mouth betrayed him though, as he found himself physically incapable of speaking.

 

The man drew himself up swiftly “Do you want to know what I think?” He walked over to the corner of the truck where a pile of papers, magazines and old newspapers were laying and picked the first one, a printout of a website up. “I think that you've found yourself a nice little revolutionary boyfriend. And that boyfriend happens to be the leader of a group that is currently planning something that, if you have your way will effect me and my friends very negatively.” The man shoved the publication in Grantaire's face.

 

_The picture._ There were lots of iconic pictures taken of their protest and then the riots that occurred in the street when the people had joined them. One that got lost among the many was the one that Grantaire found on an independent blog run by somebody who had joined them at a critical turning point that night. It was a masterpiece, but hardly anybody saw it and certainly nobody in the Amis but himself, somehow that made it all the more special. There stood a group of police officers in full riot gear, guns aimed and ready to shoot and there on the other side facing them with no fear on their faces was Enjolras and Grantaire himself. They were holding hands, Enjolras' free hand was curled in a fist held high above them punching the sky. Perhaps the most damning part of the picture was the expression on his face as he looked at Enjolras. It was a look filled with all the admiration, wanting and love that he'd been bottling up for so long, the moment Enjolras' hand wrapped around his he couldn't hide it anymore. It didn't seem to matter then, Enjolras hadn't been looking at him, he hadn't seen the picture. It certainly mattered now though. Anybody who looked at this picture would see the love he had for Enjolras so plainly on his face. And with the hands wrapped around each other...

 

“Now I'm guessing since you guys are so cozy together that after all the pillow talk is done he's been telling you all the little ins and outs of his plans that the regular members don't get to hear.” The man continued in a mocking voice “We know for a fact from our plant that your faggy little group is looking into corruption in the police as your next school project. Tell us the names you've got, and talk quickly.”

 

Everything this guy had just said made Grantaire realise just how much he hadn't been paying attention lately. He knew vaguely that they'd been focusing on the cops but he had zoned out so much he had assumed they were still talking about the police brutality that occurred at the riots and the prevention of a police state being formed. Now they thought he was “ _cozy_ ” with Enjolras and therefore knew all of his secrets, all of his battle plans, all of his enemies. Well now he knew some of them. Before he could think of something smart to say he found himself saying very stupidly “I don't know what you're talking about.”.

 

Grantaire had been right in his assessment that the man before him wasn't one to make empty threats. The knife came down almost instantly after the words left his mouth and sliced a thin mark down his chest. He yelled out at the sharp pain that followed. The cut wasn't deep at all but it stung like hell and began to seep blood almost instantly.

 

The guy who had punched him lifted him up by his arms so he was standing and held him upright to face the leader whose eyes seemed to dart faster the more Grantaire pissed him off. “I wan't names, boy and I want them fast, or next time I'll ask Jacques to break one of your arms for me.”

 

“We don't have any names yet” Grantaire improvised wildly. Being honest sure as hell wasn't working for him so maybe he could stall them just long enough to... To what? Grantaire knew that the end of the questioning would end in his death. He thought frantically about what to say next and then a dark thought dawned on him. Whether he lied to them and they believed him or he told the truth and he didn't, either way he was going to die tonight.

 

“Keep talking!” The man spat out brandishing his knife again to indicate one wrong move and he'd be dead.

 

Grantaire didn't say anything. His realisation had destroyed his ability to make something else up He felt a pain shoot up his right arm as it was twisted in a way no arm should ever twist, and then a terrible crack. His knees buckled beneath him from the shock but the man behind him kept him upright. There was a shooting pain going up his elbow that was making him shiver and he knew it was broken.

 

The man opened his mouth to talk again but suddenly the truck rumbled to life and lurched forward. The guy holding him let go of him to break his own fall and Grantaire found his head hitting the metal floor suddenly. His whole body was in pain and he felt his concentration drifting.

 

“What the hell?!” The guy yelled out. He stumbled towards the front of the truck and banged on it. “OI! What's going on?” In response a phone began to ring from the leaders pocket and he picked it up. “What the hell are you doing?” He yelled into it. Whatever the guy said on the other end made him more furious as his face began to twitch. “Alright. Alright, alright. Can you lose them?..... Well can you give us enough time to dump him?.... Yeah. Ok. Beep when you're ready.”

 

He threw the phone in the corner and turned towards his two cronies. “We've got cops on us.” He said grimly and Grantaire wondered how he hadn't noticed the sirens before now. A small ounce of hope ran through him for a quick second before the man spoke again “Throw him out when the driver signals you too. The cars will take care of the rest.” The hope was quickly dashed. So they were going to throw him onto the road where there were police chasing right behind them. If the impact of landing on the cement at this speed didn't kill him the oncoming tires certainly would. Grantaire was in a blinding amount of pain already, he stole one last look at the picture of him and Enjolras before he was forced upwards and over to the currently closed truck doors. The other guy, the one that hadn't hurt him, unlocked the doors in preparation but held them closed waiting for a signal.

 

Grantaire had no way to break his fall, no way to stop them from tossing him and no way to signal to the cars coming to rescue him that they were actually going to crush him. Grantaire looked around fleetingly for some kind of miracle way out and found himself looking at the guy holding the doors. He was younger than the other two and he looked as though the life he'd chosen hadn't had a chance to suck his good looks away yet, but he also looked incredibly nervous and was pointedly not looking at him. Grantaire wondered if he was the first person this young man was going to kill. Suddenly, there was a long, loud, strained honking of the trucks horn and Grantaire had no time to contemplate anything anymore.

 

Several things happened at once and although they happened within seconds of each other Grantaire witnessed them as though they were stretched out by the minutes. During the beep the driver slammed on his brakes suddenly. This caused the leader and the guy that was holding him to lurch backwards and fall to the ground. Grantaire would have fallen with them, but the third man, who was still standing with a firm grip on the door grabbed him by the arm and held him steady. The truck had almost come to a complete stop when he opened the truck door, and then, to an outsider what would have looked like a push guided Grantaire steadily to the cement below. He landed on almost softly his knees facing the approaching police cars which were thankfully in the distance. He turned his head back to the young man completely baffled. The young man merely nodded at him and flicked what looked to be a coin at him. Then quickly closed the truck door. Grantaire could hear the leader yelling obscenities.

 

The truck suddenly lurched forward again and the brake lights illuminated his presence on the street. The police cars were breaking now and came to a stop well before they hit him, some going around to continue the chase. Grantaire was still processing what had happened. He had no idea why, but the young man and the driver had just saved his life, and they appeared to have done it on purpose. The officers were getting out of their cars and approaching him, yelling out to him, asking him questions, but all of that was drowned out. His eyes had found what he thought had been the coin that the young man had flicked at him. Now that he could see it he knew it wasn't a coin but an old retro looking button badge. It bore three simple words.

 

“ [ _Viva la revolución. "_ ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viva_la_revoluci%C3%B3n)

 

He felt his eyelids flutter suddenly, and whether it was from the shock or the unbelievably unbearable amount of pain he was in he couldn't say. He passed out on the street just as an officer came close enough to catch him

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. I'm so sorry Grantaire :(


	3. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Waking up was beginning to feel like a chore."
> 
> Grantaire wakes up again not knowing where he is and becoming overwhelmed with panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is bit longer than the others! Enjoy.

Grantaire awoke for the second time that night involuntarily. This time however his senses retuned at him at full volume and it overwhelmed him. For a panicked moment he took in the aluminium walls of a vehicle and thought he was back inside the body of the truck. He began to flail his arms around attempting get out only to find himself screaming at the terrible sharp shooting pains it send down his right arm. Their were hands on him, holding him down and calm voices telling him things that he couldn't process through the pain and confusion. His chest began to tighten and his breathing more strained while his head was pounding. He gasped and struggled for a good few minutes before he broke through it enough to hear a slightly deep female voice telling him “Calm down. That's it just breath for me. I need you to stay still, honey or you'll do more damage to your arm. Can you breath for me? That's it, slowly now”

 

Her voice was so un-emotive and calm that he felt the constriction in his chest diminish slightly and tried to even out his breathing. He could see white walls and there were windows with symbols on them in front of him and this space was much too small to be the truck. He was in an ambulance and the desperate need to get out loosened in his body and mind and he felt himself collapse against the stretcher in relief and exhaustion.

 

“There, that's better now.” The calm voice continued. “Now can you tell me your name.” It took a lot more deep breaths before he could answer her. “G-Grantaire. Ferenc Grantaire.”

 

“And how old are you, Ferenc?” It felt odd to be referred to by his first name.

 

“Twenty-three” He answered, there was a stinging in his chest, his throat was dry and worn, his arm would have felt dead and unattached were it not for the sudden shoots of pain trembling upwards every now and then and his face felt like it had been pulled through a blender. He hazarded a guess of what he must look like and cringed, feeling a forming bruise at his chin ache as he did so.

 

The paramedic continued to go through a list of questions in the same tone, she gave him encouraging words every now and then. When she had finished questioning him of any allergies he had she asked him if he'd had anything to drink or taken anything that night. “No. But- they put something over my face... I passed out.”

 

“Ok then. Make note of that, Newton.” Grantaire hadn't realised there'd be anybody else in the ambulance. His eyes were open but everything was too bright and difficult to make out and he didn't have the energy to strain them.

 

“Alright, Ferenc I'm going to give you something for the pain now ok? We'll be at the hospital soon and we'll see to your arm.”

 

Once he'd taken the painkillers he was in a hazy numbness and the subsequent arrival at the hospital passed by in a number questions from Doctors, X-rays, blood being taken from him, blood pressure being measured, gauze being applied and finally being taken to a bed in a private ward. The doctor told him his elbow was dislocated, not broken as he'd thought and that it was a simple act of restoring the alignment and keeping his arm in a cast. “We'll put you under for the procedure, but before we do there are some officers _insisting_ that they question you. Apparently time is of the essence. Are you feeling any pain at the moment?”

 

“No.” Grantaire answered surprised at how numb he could feel when his arm looked so disfigured beside him.

 

“Ok, I'll let them in shortly, if they take too long and you need more painkillers let us know. Oh, and before we put you under, is there anybody you'd like us to inform of your situation and we'll need an emergency contact.”

 

His _situation_. It sounded so formal, as though things like this happened every day. “My mum. She's my emergency contact.” He said quickly. He dictated to the doctor her full name and phone number (Which he'd had memorised since he was a child in case he ever got lost). He'd never once had to use it when he was younger. Then he thought to his friends, he wondered if they'd tried to contact him since he left the bar or if they'd tried to visit his apartment. It wasn't completely unlikely, he had an open door policy and sometimes they crashed there if it was the closest place to go. He wondered if they even knew he'd been missing for the last few hours.

 

“Also, my friend Joly. I don't know his phone number but he interns here so you should have it on file somewhere.” The doctor made a note of the name but made no indication that he knew who he was referring to, “Should be easy enough to find.” He said. “Ok, I'll get the administration girls onto it.”

 

He left, letting the two officers in on his way out. Grantaire tensed with apprehension. After all the questions about corrupt officers that he'd faced from his abductors he had no idea how much was safe to tell them, if they could be trusted or even if they'd come to finish him off. Grantaire's heart monitor began to beep faster and he silently wished he was better at hiding his emotions.

 

“There's no need to panic young man. You've been through a lot but we're here to apprehend the men who did this and bring them to justice.” Said the older man, stern and cold. Grantaire wasn't completely convinced but he allowed himself to relax a little. Rationally he knew if they were some of the amoral members of the police force they probably wouldn't try to kill him in a hospital where multiple doctors and nurses knew they were there, especially given the circumstances.

 

Their questions started off basic. Things like his name, his age, his address. He parroted the information wondering how many more times he could be asked the same damn things. Then he launched into his story. He started by telling them he was out with friends before deciding to go home by himself. How he'd stopped in the middle of the street to admire the Musaine (He pretended it was out of architectural admiration, “I'm an artist you see”) and suddenly he'd felt hands on him and the world went black.

 

When he told them about the events that occurred in the truck he hesitated when he got to them planning on tossing him onto the street. He'd described the leader and the man who punched him in as much detail as he could but he hadn't explained the third man. He wondered if he should. On one hand the guy had saved his life, but on another he'd been quite complacent at watching him

be tortured. If this guy was undercover would explaining to them that the man had saved his life put him in danger? If it was on an official police statement it would be quite easy for a corrupt officer to get their hands on it and his saviour would be in danger.

 

The younger officer must have mistaken his hesitation for an emotional incapacity to continue because he gave him a sympathetic look and softly said “Take your time, son. You've been through a lot.”

 

Grantaire swallowed and nodded before making up his mind “And then I don't know what happened or how I survived. I must have blacked out or something because I opened my eyes and I was on the road and I wasn't completely crushed. It must have been a miracle or something.”

 

The officers had a few more questions (what are the names of the friends you were out with, do you remember any details about the interior of the vehicle that stood out, if we need to contact you in the future what's the best way to do so). Grantaire had no idea where his phone was, it was probably in a dumpster somewhere miles away so he gave them an email address and his mothers phone number. When they finally left Grantaires throat was dry and hoarse and he suspected the painkillers were beginning to wear off because the shooting in his arm was coming back. He looked up at the clock on the wards wall. The officers had been thorough, a full hour had passed since they'd come to question him.

 

“I thought they'd never leave.” The Doctor said re-entering the room. “So, ready to go under?” He asked standing beside Grantaire's bed.

 

“As they say, third times the charm.” Grantaire sighed mentally preparing himself to once again be unconscious.

 

*

 

Waking up was beginning to feel like a chore. He was in some kind of recovery room and every part of him from his eyelids to his toes felt heavy. There was a breathing mask over his face and he vaguely heard the doctors talking about their plans for their respective weekends while pottering about the room. At least his breathing was steady this time. He was over waking up in a panic. Eventually he didn't feel quite so heavy and one of the doctors (a different one to the one in his ward) approached him.

 

“How we feeling? Any nausea?”

 

Grantaire shook his head. The doctor took the mask off his face and eventually he was wheeled back into the same room he'd been in before, everything was still going by in a daze. He wondered why he was given a private room when there were surely more terminal cases around. He looked down at his arm and saw it was fitted with a plain white cast, stopping at his wrist. _I'll still be able to grip a pencil._ He thought foggily.

 

Eventually he began to wake up more. Being by himself and not having to answer questions was helping. He was incredibly tired but he didn't want to fall asleep just yet. He was honestly kind of scared to. Before tonight he hadn't exactly been the most peaceful sleeper, but now he wondered if dreams would bring him any peace or just force him to relive the last few hours again and again. He thought about how pathetic he must look right now. Unflattering hospital gown, IV drip, the bruises he felt on his face had surely formed by now, he had a massive piece of gauze on his chest, red marks on his wrists and ankles like he'd been in some kind of S+M scene and a useless right arm.

 

He felt as though he might cry at any minute. _It's these drugs they've got you on_. He told himself. But he knew it was a lot more than that. Interrupting his self pitying thoughts a nurse came in to check his vitals. She was a plump middle aged woman who was quite chatty, and even though Grantaire wasn't up to replying to her she happily talked on about the night she was having. “Oh, by the way, how would you feel about having some visitors. Do you think you're up for that?”

 

“Visitors?” Grantaire asked confused, it was 5 in the morning, according to his calculations there's no way his mother could have gotten here by now considering how far away she lived from the city.

 

“Yes, it's not strictly allowed especially at this time and in these numbers but I owe Joly a favour and they are a rather insistent bunch. Of course I told them though, I told them. 'Chickens. If he says he can't see you then I'll bar the door myself!' Young friendship is a special thing but health- no.. Healing. No.. Yes. Health. That's the most important thing.”

 

Grantaire felt his heart leap in his chest. He felt the urge to cry again but this time not from some kind of self loathing. It was happiness. He'd thought he'd never see them again. “Yes! Please. I want them to come in.”

 

She gave him a fond look and fluffed his pillow one last time before leaving. Grantaire moved himself up in the bed a little so he was sitting upright. He didn't care about his exhaustion, or the embarrassment he felt over his injuries or even the barrage of questions he was about to face. He was alive and his friends were too.

 

The door burst open to cries and rushed voices.

 

“Grantaire-!”

  
“Thank God-”

 

“We've been so worried-”

 

“Are you alright? I swear to God if I ever-”

 

“Jesus you guys.” He interrupted as they reached his bed all squirming to fit around it. “Ever heard of inside voices?” Cosette and Chetta threw their arms around him in a tight embrace, and soon so did everybody else and he couldn't hold it in any more. He was crying. Eventually they all relinquished their grip and he hastily wiped his eyes with his left hand. It felt foreign and clumsy but he didn't care.

 

Grantaire looked around his group of friends and noticed a glaring omission. “How'd Enjolras get out of pity party duty?” He asked frowning, trying to make his voice sound casual but feeling the sadness return. He knew that he wasn't exactly Enjolras' favourite person at the moment and he'd ended the night storming out on him, but given the circumstances...

 

“He's talking to the police. We've all had to do it.” Combeferre answered “We've been trying to get them to tell us what happened, but apart from the stuff we've pieced together from the news-”

 

“Wait, the news?” Grantaire asked confused.

 

“Well yeah... You're pictures been all over. It was surreal. There's a massive manhunt for those assholes who did this.” Bahorel supplied.

 

Grantaire attempted to run his hands through his hair but his cast got in the way. He didn't want to be on the news and he especially didn't want to whole world knowing what happened to him. He knew deep down he shouldn't feel this way but a deep shame swept over him“I suppose you guys want to know what happened...” He said slowly.

 

“Hey, R... You don't have to tell us. We'll understand.” Jehan said softly. The sympathy in his voice stabbed him like a knife. He really must look pathetic.

 

“No... I think you should know. I mean it involves you all too.” He sighed.

 

“Us?” Eponine asked confused.

 

“The Les Amis De l'ABC” he clarified. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before continuing. Telling his story to the authorities was almost easy. It had made him relive parts he'd rather forget, sure. But he could keep it fact driven and talk as though in third person. Talking to his friends about it though, he couldn't help including his emotions.

 

It was personal. When he told them about waking up in a truck he didn't leave out how he'd been overcome with adrenaline, when he mentioned the type of questions the guy was asking he couldn't help but explain the way his red patched eyes would twitch when he didn't hear what he wanted and when he told them about the misunderstanding that made his captors think he knew more than he did he didn't try to hide how helpless he felt and how he'd at that point resigned himself to death.

 

Some of them were crying by the end of it and he was trying hard not to cry again himself. “So... Yeah.” He finished lamely.

  
Chetta kissed him on the forehead. “You're so brave, R.”

 

“I'm really, really not. I'm just incredibly lucky and it's a good thing I haven't actually been paying attention in meetings lately or who knows what they'd know by now.”

 

“I wonder who that guy was though.” Courfeyrac said “I don't know if we should be buying him lunch or punching him in he face.”

 

“Neither do I.” He admitted. He really was exhausted now, and reliving the night twice in such a little time frame had drained his emotional and mental capacities. “Do you guys think...” He began but his pillows were so soft and his mind was shutting down. He fell asleep before he could finish his sentence with his friends surrounding him.

 

*

 

_I don't know what you're talking about. A knife came down and there was pain. Endless pain. More pain then he'd ever felt in his life._

 

“Grantaire-”

 

He flew his hands above his face in self defence. “No. Don't _hurt_ me. Get away from me!”

 

“R... It's ok. You're in the hospital.” The familiar voice was worried and it brought him back to the waking world. He was vaguely aware that he was breathing heavy again and there were hot tears running down his face.

 

His arms were still covering his face and he slowly brought them down, calming himself. The hospital. He was in the hospital not the inside of some horrible truck. The room was bright and he thought vaguely that the sun must have risen. He turned his head to see Enjolras sitting by his bead, his brow furrowed and his lips slightly open in concern.

 

“Are you alright” He asked tentatively.

 

“That's... That's kind of a loaded question.” He said sitting up and wincing at the pain that had returned to his arm.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“No. It's Ok. What time is it?”

 

“It's just before 6 in the morning.”

 

Grantaire sighed deeply. He wondered if he'd ever be able to sleep properly again.

 

“Where's everybody else?”

 

“Well... I thought after everything you might sleep a lot longer than normal so I told them all to go home and sleep. They didn't want to go but...”

 

“You insisted?” Grantaire said smiling at him. It was amazing what Enjolras could convince people to do with just one sentence. When he said something you trusted instantly that it was true, so if Enjolras had told them Grantaire would be fine in their absence and they'd feel better if they got some rest they would have gone without a second word.

 

“Grantaire... I'm so sorry. They told me about what happened. This is all my fault.”

 

“Oh come on Enjolras, don't do that.” He said rolling his eyes, and feeling a sting when he did so for a need of an unbroken sleep.

 

“No it is. I made you leave last night and if you hadn't been alone none of this-”

 

“So what, I'm supposed to have a chaperone my whole life? I would have walked down some other street some other time alone anyway... It was only a matter of time.”

 

“Yes but I provoked you into leaving, and I was wrong and for that I'm so-”

 

“Don't say you're sorry again.” Grantaire snapped and Enjolras looked as if he were about to argue but he cut him off before he could “You weren't wrong. I was avoiding you guys. I just didn't want to admit it so if anything it's my fault for being a stubborn idiot.”

 

Enjolras was quiet. Grantaire closed his eyes and felt a prickling behind him, he didn't want to go back to sleep if those were the kinds of dreams he'd have. “Anyway. We need to talk.” Grantaire said he might as well bite the bullet and get it over with as quickly as possible.

 

“I'm listening.” Enjolras said and he looked uncharacteristically apprehensive.

 

“I don't know what... Well I don't know how much the others told you about what happened. But you should know that there's an important aspect that involves you.”

 

Enjolras nodded slowly. “Yes... Those people thought that we were... Together.” Grantaire was shocked for a moment, but he supposed it made sense that his friends would tell Enjolras the parts that involved him.

 

“Yeah well. You're probably wondering why they thought that, and you should know that there's a picture from the rally that they took out of context. But you know. Just... Just be aware that that's a thing that exists.”

 

“What picture?” Enjolras asked looking thoroughly confused.

 

Grantaire opened his mouth to speak but he heard a shrill voice just outside the room that he would recognise anywhere.

 

“Oh, shit. This is going to suck” He said gritting his teeth and closing his eyes.

 

“What? Grantaire-”

 

“ Ferenc! My poor sweetpea! What have those monsters done to you?!”  
  


Grantaire let out a long sigh. “Hi, Mum.” He said giving her a strained smile.

 

“Don't you “Hi, Mum” me! Do you know how worried I've been. And driving in such a state, it's dangerous I could have killed somebody. I will kill somebody! If I get my hands on those men before the courts do...” She embraced him tightly and wouldn't let go for a very long time. He loved his mother very much, but that didn't atone for the fact that she was a fan of the dramatics. Although in this situation he couldn't really blame her.

 

“And I called the station the moment I got into my car, four in the morning and the hospital tells me my sweet-pea has been involved in a kidnapping! But no, they don't have any other details for me thank you very much. So I call the station and demand to speak to the inspector and he was not a very nice man but he told me everything. I'm never letting you outside of the house again. I should have never let you out of the house!”

 

“Mum!” Grantaire exclaimed growing exceedingly more embarrassed. “C'mon. It's _fine_. I'm _fine_. It's not that big a deal!”

 

“Not that-. NOT THAT BIG A DEAL?!” Grantaire winced at his poor choice of words. And then his mother turned towards Enjolras and Grantaire felt like dying. “And who are you?” His mother asked accusingly.

 

“Oh. I'm Enjolras. I'm a friend of your sons-”

 

“Oh I know exactly who you are. You're the one who filled his head with these revolutionary ideas! You're the reason dangerous men are after him!”

 

Enjolras, for once looked speechless. Grantaire had died and gone to hell. That much was obvious now. “For fucks sake, Maman. No he hasn't and it's not his fault!”

 

Perhaps it was the fact that it was the first time that he'd ever sworn at his mother or the fact that he'd used the affectionate term from whenever he'd come home from school frustrated or when he'd get upset about his father leaving but her expression softened and she looked at her son with such fierce fondness that she let her defences down and her voice go soft.

 

“No. No you're right. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry to you too, Enjolras.”

 

“That's... That's alright.” Enjolras said still looking a little bit shell shocked. “I'll give you guys some space.” He muttered before leaving promptly.

 

“Oh sweetpea, I was so worried.” She said softly.

 

Thankfully she didn't ask very many questions. Maybe she didn't want to know the full details or maybe she already did but Grantaire was thankful that he didn't have to relive his story for a third time. She fussed over him a lot. Asked him if the nurses were treating him well or if they were over-medicating him. He entertained her worried musings for a while but eventually they were interrupted by the clearing of a throat.

 

“I'm going to go, Grantaire.” Enjolras said looking slightly awkward at the door.

 

“Oh no.” His mother said rising from her chair “I've scared you off. And after I barged in so rudely and interrupted you. Stay there for a moment.”

 

Enjolras looked reluctant but obediently stayed at the door. “I have to go anyway and find a place to stay for the night. Don't give me that look Ferenc, I get to mother you for a least one more day in the city, and then I'm dragging you back home for as long as I can get away with. You're not safe here.”

 

“What! Mum, no! I'm not leaving the city, I'm fine!”

 

“Obviously not!”

 

“Well you can't make me leave! I have work clients here and I need to be around my friends right now.” He realised that he sounded like a stubborn toddler.

 

His mother looked torn. She obviously knew that a week spent with just her company would probably end up in countless arguments and neither of them enjoying it but she was also very worried about him “Well somebody has to look after you. You'll be in your apartment all by yourself and anybody could come snatch you away again.”

 

“I'll do it.” He heard Enjolras say at the door. His mother whipped his head towards him. “I mean... He's obviously to stubborn to leave the city but I agree with you, he shouldn't be left alone. And I don't exactly think it's a good idea to return to your apartment just yet”

 

His mother narrowed her eyes at Enjolras and considered him for a long moment. But then she broke into a grateful smile. “Oh bless you. You're a doll. And Ferenc I want daily text messages.”

 

Grantaire was didn't know what shocked him more- that Enjolras had offered to look after him or that his mother had so readily accepted. “That's going to be kind of hard, I don't have a phone any more.”

 

“You can use my phone.” Enjolras said to Grantaire then turned his attention to his mother “I'll give you my phone number. I'll also let you know what's going on if he forgets” Enjolras offered and his mother looked ready to kiss him. After they exchanged numbers his mother gave him a last tight hug and a kiss on each cheek before doing the same to Enjolras and telling them she'd be back tomorrow.

 

Once she was gone Grantaire found himself sighing in relief. “Thanks for saying that. Now she won't be so worried. I'll have to message you on facebook or something with texts to send.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Enjolras asked his brow furrowed.

 

“Oh come on Enjolras. I'm not actually going to stay with you. I just didn't argue with her then so she wouldn't drag me back to Surburbia."

 

Enjolras looked at him like he was mad, opened his mouth as though to say something, closed it again and then began to walk towards the door. “Fine.” He said.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I'm going out to find your mum and let her know you've changed your mind about staying with me. I'm not going to lie to her.”

 

“You're _telling_ on me?! Are you serious.”

 

Enjolras faced him and shrugged casually and then continued towards the door.

 

“Wait!” He called out and Enjolras stopped and raised his eyebrows at him. Grantaire pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a long sigh. “Fine. I'll stay with you. But only because the alternative is living with my mother again.

 

Enjolras grinned from ear to ear and Grantaire was hit by it like a ray of sunshine. “I'll let you get some rest. I talked to the doctors and if nothing changes they'll discharge you tomorrow so I'll come pick you up.”

 

Grantaire just rolled his eyes “I guess if you have to. Thanks _roomie._ ”

 

“No problem, _sweetpea_ ” Enjolras replied and with a very sheepish grin he left and Grantaire gaped at where he had been standing. Of course he always had to have the last word.

 

Grantaire leaned back into his pillow and groaned begging for sleep to take him. He put his left hand over his eyes and sighed trying not to think of Enjolras' cheeky grin. He was way too far gone and living with Enjolras was only going to make it worse.

 

When sleep finally took him though he wasn't subjected to horrible memories or exaggerated nightmares. He didn't dream of anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. 
> 
> Fun fact: Most of the pain described for the dislocated elbow stuff is based on my own personal experience of dislocating my elbow (Although my story is less dramatic I'm just a clumsy person and tripped in the rain)- it was the second most painful experience in my life. The first was the physio therapy that followed when my arm would not fully extend.
> 
> I think everybody has a nickname their parents used to give them that they're embarrassed about. I know I do.
> 
> OH! And Ferenc is a name that originates from Greece that literally means "French man." I'm SO original.


	4. Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Grantaire made his way to the sink and took a first look at his reflection since he'd been admitted. There was no sugar-coating it, he looked horrible."
> 
> Grantaire wakes up in the hospital to an array of complicated emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like these chapters are getting longer and longer....

In the few times Grantaire woke up to Nurses checking his vitals he only fluttered his eyes open for a second before he was already halfway back to falling asleep. Occasionally he thought he heard familiar voices drift in and out but he was never concious long enough to grasp even the basics of what they were discussing. When he finally woke up completely, the room was dark, his whole body felt sore and his bladder felt close to bursting. He blinked a few times trying to get his bearings. When he felt awake enough to form a sentence he pressed the alert button on his bed and a few moments later a nurse came in to check on him.

 

“Is there a bathroom close by?” He asked her thickly, sitting up.

 

“Of course. It's just outside the room, I'll help you there”

  
Grantaire was about to protest and insist that he could manage by himself but when he pulled his legs over the side of the bed and tried to put weight on them he found himself stumble. The nurse caught him around the middle and instructed him to hold onto his mobile IV drip stand and slowly led him to the bathroom just outside his door. Thankfully, she didn't follow him inside. After relieving himself he made his way to the sink and took a first look at his reflection since he'd been admitted. There was no sugar-coating it, he looked horrible.

 

His face was bruised from the punch and the amount of times Grantaire had hit it against the trucks hard floor, there was a rather large, ugly blue one forming on the side of his chin that he suspected was from the first time he fell. His right cheek where the fist had impacted was not only bruised but also had started to swell up making his face seem uneven and slightly disfigured. There were also two small, lighter bruises on his forehead, just above his brow. On top of that his eyes were red, puffy and carrying dark bags beneath them. He sighed heavily, tearing his eyes away from the mirror.

 

There was a sharp knock on the door. “Everything alright in there?” The Nurse called out “Do you need any help?” Grantaire cleared his throat “No... I'll just be a moment” He attempted to turn on the tap, fumbling slightly from not being accustomed to using his left hand and washed just the one hand, unable to find an angle to get his right under the water.

 

When he stumbled back into bed he was surprised at just how drained he felt after one small trip. “How long was I asleep for?” He asked the nurse who was handing him a glass of water which he took gratefully. “Well it's 4 in the morning now so I'd say that makes it just under 20 hours judging by your chart.”

 

“20 hours?” He asked astonished. She began to strap the blood pressure monitor to him.

 

“Yes, I've only been on duty since midnight, but my colleague tells me you were out like a light. You had visitors who weren't even trying to be quiet but apparently you didn't wake up.” She said, smiling at him.

 

“Do you know who was visiting me?”

 

“I'll have to check with one of the girls who was here, but I've been told you've been quite popular.” She removed the monitor and moved to check his heart rate.

 

“Well, I guess my company isn't so bad then, if I'm getting visitors in my sleep.”

 

She laughed at this before leaving the room. The mystery of who had visited him in his sleep however was easily solved when he turned his attention towards the small night stand by his bed. It was completely packed with little trinkets and well wishing gifts, all with different personal effects.

 

There was a small handmade origami swan from Feuilly, a beautiful display of brightly coloured flowers that was the combined effort of Cosette and Jehan, his favourite chocolates from Ep and Gav, a customised Lord of the Rings playing card set from Bahorel, a small stuffed bear with a comically bandaged head from Marius and Courf, a beautiful fact and picture book about Van Gogh from Combeferre, and Bossuet, Chetta and Joly had left him a little troll figurine- an inside joke from one of their adventures outside of the city.

 

By the time the nurse came back in he was grinning from ear to ear.

 

*

 

Daytime television may be boring but it was nothing compared to early morning television. Grantaire deliberately skipped through every channel that had any semblance of news to avoid having to see any mention of himself, and because of that he was left with the choice of a Mexican soap opera with no subtitles and an infomercial about a blender that could slice, dice and spice up your life.

 

He decided to watch the soap opera and was three episodes in when his mother came by with an overnight bag filled with things from his apartment.

 

She spent a good fifteen minutes fussing over how long he slept and how every time she'd come by he'd been fast asleep.

 

“Don't take it personally, Mum. Apparently I was asleep for everybody.”

 

“Yes, well I finally got a chance to meet your friends from that group you seem to spend so much time with. I can't believe it's taken you to be hospitalised for that to happen by the way- but no matter. They do seem nice and... Well, I'm just glad that you have so many people you can rely on in the city.”

 

“Yeah.” Grantaire said smiling. “They are great.” Every hour that passed he felt more and more guilty and stupid for trying to push them away.

 

“Now if at any point you do get homesick or you feel like you're not safe here any more please call me straight away. I'll come get you in a heartbeat. You can stay as long as you want.”

 

“I will.” Grantaire lied.

 

“The hospital is going to let you out as soon as Enjolras comes by to pick you up which he's told me will be in about an hour.”

 

“Please don't tell me you've been harassing him this whole time I've been asleep” He asked exasperatedly.

 

“I haven't been _harassing_ him. In fact most of the time he's been asking me questions about you.”

 

“Like what?” Grantaire asked trying not to sound too curious. His mother only gave him a knowing smile though. _Great._ He thought to himself. _Even my mother can tell I have a blindingly obvious crush._

 

“Nothing too important. Just focus on getting better okay? And try to do whatever he says since technically you're being released into his care. I know how stubborn you can be. I really must be going now though if I'm going to get back in time for work.” She said but she looked hesitant. Grantaire knew she felt conflicted about leaving him in the city, even if he was surrounded by people she surprisingly approved of.

 

“Ok. I promise I'll message you everyday.” He paused before saying. “I love you, Maman.” She hugged him tightly, again and he didn't protest when she held on for longer than normal.

 

She left him and he turned off the TV to peruse the book that Combeferre had left him. He had almost read it twice through when Enjolras knocked on the door. Grantaire looked up to find him standing in a plain t-shirt and jeans, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Enjolras dress so casually and the unusualness of it left Grantaire speechless for a moment. He then realised that soon he'd be seeing Enjolras in very unusual situations; In his apartment, early in the morning, in _pyjamas_ and Grantaire felt the sudden urge to run away.

 

“Ready to go?” He asked shooting him a small smile and Grantaire felt the feeling rise.

 

“Yeah, I guess I just have to get somebody to take this thing out of my arm.” He said suddenly realising that he'd had an hour to get ready to depart and he'd spent it in bed. “And I have to get changed out of this gown thingy. Crap. Sorry I should have done this before you got here.” Grantaire leaned over the bed opening the bag and hastily grabbing the first shirt and pair of pants he could see.

 

“That's okay. The Doctor says he wants to talk to you before we leave anyway. I'll just take your things down to the car.” He walked over to the bed and flung the bag over his shoulder, zipping it up before pausing, spotting the gifts on the night stand. “Oh.” He said frowning. “Are these all from our friends? I didn't get you anything.”

 

“Yeah... Don't feel bad though, you're getting my bag.” He laughed awkwardly at his own joke and then immediately felt embarrassed for it.

 

Enjolras' frown lifted slightly but he didn't say anything.

 

“You weren't here when they were getting me all this stuff?” Grantaire asked, this time it was his turn to frown.

 

“No. This is the first time I've been back. I've been trying to sort out some things to do with the ABC since last night. It's a little complicated though.” He said sighing deeply, it was only then Grantaire noticed how tired he sounded, and for that matter, looked. He wondered if he got any sleep last night.

 

“Like what?” Grantaire asked feeling the guilty feeling rise again. Enjolras didn't have to say it out loud for him to know his stress was a direct result of him being taken.

 

He shook his head. “I'll tell you about it later... Like I said. It's complicated.” Enjolras forced a smile towards Grantaire before leaving with his bag. Grantaire's head was suddenly pounding relentlessly and he felt his chest tighten slightly. If what had happened to him was causing problems for the ABC already it meant that this was far from over. If he wanted to stay with the ABC he'd have to keep thinking about it. Keep reliving it. Keep talking about it. He wondered if Enjolras or the others expected him to be some kind of spokesperson for the cause. It was too much.

 

Grantaire climbed clumsily out of the bed, almost falling over and gripped the night stand. A wave of nausea overcame him and he closed his eyes tightly trying to calm himself down.

 

“Ok... Ferenc is it? Looks like you've been signed off to be released and-” The doctor looked up from his chart and paused when he saw Grantaire half bent over the nightstand, shaking slightly.

 

“Is everything alright?”

 

Grantaire took a second to compose himself, he shoved his anxious thoughts into the back corners of his mind and put what he hoped was a relaxed smile on his face before turning to the doctor.

 

“I'm fine.” He lied. “My legs just aren't quite used to walking yet. I think I stood up too fast.”

 

The doctor remained frowning, but he didn't look as concerned as he made his way over. “Why don't you sit on the bed whilst we go through some exit protocol then.”

 

The doctor rattled off some yes and no questions about how he was feeling, asked if he'd had any unusual pains or muscle spasms and finally, asked him to sign a form. It was difficult and messy, trying to write with half his arm in a cast and it and didn't look at all like Grantaires signature but Grantaire was just relieved to be getting out of the hospital.

 

“Painkillers.” The doctor said handing him a box. “Take two every 2-4 hours depending on your pain levels. If the pain becomes intolerable even on the painkillers contact us immediately. Do not take more than the prescribed dose to try and null it.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“And this is a referral for any psychological trauma you may have, as well as a list of some of our recommended therapists in the area.”

 

Grantaire felt his heart stop for a second before taking the pieces of paper wordlessly. He couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck in a room with a stranger having to talk about the worst moment of his life.

 

“Also the tests we took came back and luckily there's no permanent liver damage from the substance you were drugged with. It doesn't look like there's anything abnormal in your vitals either, but we want you to come back for a week to get you're elbow looked at. While you're here we recommend another blood test as well, just to be sure.”

 

“I... Okay. One week. Yeah Okay.” Grantaire said feeling a strange weight in his chest and the tightness around his lungs return. He didn't even know it was a possibility he could have had permanent damage from being drugged. He didn't know what to do with that information now.

 

The doctor then called the nurse in to unhook him from the IV drip and another machine before excusing himself. When she too left he got changed, rather difficultly. The pair of jeans he'd grabbed took a little longer than normal to pull up his legs and the zipper was even more difficult to work, but the real issue came when he tried to put on the t-shirt he'd picked up. He put his left arm through first just fine, but his shirt got stuck on his cast halfway up his right arm. He had unfortunately tried to pull his head through at the very same time his shirt had gotten stuck and was now trapped with the fabric around his head, refusing to go down further leaving him unable to see.

 

“Are you alright?” He heard Enjolras' voice say somewhere in the room.

 

“Help? Please?” He asked desperately trying not to sound as pathetic as he felt. He heard Enjolras close the space between them and with a forceful tug in the right direction the top of the sleeve was pulled to its rightful place at his shoulder and he was able to pull his head through.

 

“Thanks.” He said embarrassed. “Man, I really am incapable of doing anything properly, aren't I?”

 

Enjolras looked at him sternly. “Don't say that about yourself.”

 

“I was just joking...” He lied, trying to keep his voice even. His discussion with the doctor and the incident with the shirt may have been small but both were making Grantaire feel helpless and emotional. He distracted himself by gathering up a few of the smaller items from the nightstand into his arms. Enjolras took the rest, carrying the vase of flowers somewhat uncomfortably. The image of Enjolras holding flowers was certainly an odd one, but one that Grantaire made sure to tuck away in a private place in his mind.

 

The ride over to Enjolras' apartment was not as uncomfortable as Grantaire had thought it might be. Enjolras had asked him about the story behind the troll figurine and thankfully it was such a complicated one that by the time he'd almost finished telling it they'd pulled into a parking space on the street.

 

“-And then the weird Australian guy and the German one were so mad they just started talking rapid fire in English to each other and we were so confused by the abrupt change of language that the only words all three of us could make out that he said was “Troll Doll” before he drove off.”

 

“So he just drove off and left you all there?”

 

“Well he did come back eventually but I don't think he really wanted to.”

 

“I can sort of see why.”

 

“Yeah we weren't really on our best behaviour, but that's what happens after seven bottles of Moscato”

 

“ _Seven_?!”

 

“Between the four us! Sorry... Should have clarified... Yeah even I wouldn't be alive after seven bottles to myself.”

 

“I should think not!” Enjolras said sounding horrified, but he was laughing.

 

“So this is your place, huh?” Grantaire asked getting out of the car awkwardly with a handful of his gifts. Enjolras opened the back door of the car to fetch his bag.

 

“Yeah. I keep forgetting you haven't been here.”

 

“What floor are you on?” Grantaire asked apprehensively, trying to count the levels mentally from the outside. He was still a little unsteady on his feet and he definitely did not want to lean on Enjolras halfway up the stairs.

 

“The top one. Don't worry though, there's an elevator.”

 

“Oooh. Fancy” Grantaire said feeling relieved. They made their way into the building and into the elevator when he realised just how accurate that assessment was. The building looked well taken care and recently renovated of with bright white walls and awnings and shining tiles. Compared to Grantaire's dinghy little place with all of its scuff marks and mildew it was practically a palace. He noticed when they entered there was even a concierge desk.

 

The elevator opened with a ding and Enjolras walked over to the door directly across from it, he flicked through his keys quickly unlocking the door and letting them both in. If Grantaire had thought the outside of the apartment was nice, it was nothing compared to the inside.

 

The place was spacious and everything in it looked brand new. There were polished wood floors, beautiful cream walls and when Grantaire stepped further into the living room and saw the balcony view of Paris beneath him he could have cried. He made a mental note for when his arm was better to somehow convince Enjolras to let him back in to paint it.

 

“Jesus, Enjolras. This place is amazing. How can you afford it?” He asked not even trying to hide the envy in his tone.

 

Enjolras surprisingly looked a little bit embarrassed. “It's not technically mine. It's my parents. Well... They actually own this whole building. This was their display unit when they were selling the other apartments and when I finished school they said I could have it.”

 

“Wow.” Grantaire breathed. “You're parents have a _mazing_ taste.”

 

Enjolras frowned at this but didn't say anything further on the subject. “The bedroom on the left is mine. You'll be staying on the right. It's a little bit messy, I'm afraid. I don't usually have guests so I've been using it as a kind of storage and study area.”

 

Enjolras moved into the guest bedroom and Grantaire followed him. Messy was an understatement. There were books, papers, old news articles, a corkboard so full that you couldn't see an inch of cork beneath the things pinned to it and under all of that a small desk in the corner of the room. There was also a double bed in the middle of the room but Grantaire had a feeling it was usually left ignored.

 

“Sorry.” Enjolras cringed looking around the room “I should have really cleaned up before you got here.”

 

“Don't worry about it. I'm not the neatest person either. But hey, at least the bed is tidy.” He grinned at Enjolras and sat on the edge of the bed, it was soft and inviting and even though Grantaire had slept for an absurd amount of time he felt the urge to just close his eyes and let sleep take him again.

 

It must have shown on his face because Enjolras put his bag down on the chair by the desk “Do you want to sleep? I can clean up in here later if you do.”

 

Grantaire was tempted but there was something else he was aching to do. “No, not yet. Actually I'm dying for a shower. I feel like I'm covered in like ten layers of grossness and despite what they tell you, you don't actually get multiple sponge baths from hot nurses in the hospital.”

 

“You don't say?” Enjolras said in mock disbelief raising his eyebrows. “Well the bathrooms next to my room. Feel free to use it. Are you hungry?”

 

Grantaire hadn't even thought about food, but now that it was mentioned he suddenly couldn't ignore just how empty his stomach felt. He couldn't even remember the last time he ate something... It must have been at The Blue Window sometime throughout the night which meant it had been well over a day. He was sure the hospital had brought him food multiple times, he had merely slept through the meals.

 

“Yeah, I could eat.”

 

“Great.” Enjolras said and left the room.

 

Grantaire opened the bag his mother had filled and felt around for his toothbrush before getting in shower. Taking care not to get his cast wet he tried to scrub away everything, which took longer than it should have before he realised that he had been showering for twenty minutes and the dirty feeling he felt probably didn't have anything to do with his bodies outward cleanliness. He dried himself off and emerged redressed (this time being careful to get his cast arm through the sleeve before pulling his head through) to a wonderful smell in the kitchen.

 

“Grilled cheese?” He asked his stomach aching from the smell.

 

“Yes, I don't know how to make much else.” Enjolras said apologetically.

 

“I _love_ grilled cheese. Although right now you could probably put a live rhinoceros in front of me and I'd eat it.”

 

Enjolras laughed at this. They ate in silence on the stools by the kitchen counter top. Grantaire was far too hungry to try and make conversation. Enjolras had made him two toasted sandwiches but after he finished the first one he was struggling to fit much more in.

 

“I thought I'd be able to eat a whole feast after not eating for so long.” He said looking in defeat at the sandwich he couldn't eat. “Maybe it's a good thing you didn't get me a rhino.”

 

“Your stomachs just needs time to adjust to the food. You'll be hungry again soon. It stretches and unstretches depending on how often you eat.”

 

“How do you know so much about stomachs?”

 

“In school I would do a 40 hour famine once every year to raise money for starving communities across the world. I remember towards the end I'd always feel like I could eat for seven days straight then barely get through a muesli bar.”

 

“You don't do that any more?”

 

“When I got older I did some research into the company that sponsored the event. Turns out they kept a majority of the money raised for their CEO's and barely any of it got sent to where it was needed. Now I just send money through to other charities that aren't as bad and don't make you starve yourself.”

 

Grantaire felt his admiration for Enjolras grow. It was finding out about these little things that was going to kill him during his stay here.

 

Now that they had both finished eating. Enjolras fixed him with a look.

 

“Before in the hospital we didn't get a chance to finish our conversation.” He said looking serious “I wanted to ask you about that picture.”

 

Grantaire swallowed and braced himself for the conversation. “Okay. Do you need me to find it for you?”

 

Enjolras shook his head and took his phone out of his pocket. “No, I think I found the one you were talking about.” He pulled up a screenshot from his pictures and turned it towards Grantaire. There it was in all of its damning glory.

 

“Yeah. That's the one. How did you find it?” He asked feeling an odd lump in his throat.

 

“It wasn't too hard actually. After the... Incident... a lot of people that were at the protest started circulating their pictures again and ones that had you in it... Well they came up pretty often.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“What I don't understand though is how they could have made such a specific connection just from one photo. It's circumstantial not definitive.”

 

“Well I don't think they're the type of people to have law degrees or anything. They probably see two guys holding hands and don't even consider it could be platonic.” He shifted uncomfortable in the stool and started tearing off pieces from his uneaten sandwich.

 

“Yeah... Your probably right.” Enjolras said sighing and he closed his eyes rubbing his temples.

 

“You look tired. Did you sleep at all last night?”

 

Enjolras flashed him a small smile “I think I'm the one whose supposed to be worrying over you not the other way around.”

 

“You're dodging the question.”

 

Enjolras sighed again. “No, not really.”

 

“Okay, I'll make you a deal then. I'll go to bed right now and rest without protesting and you do the same thing. Then there's no need for either of us to worry about each other.”

 

Enjolras smiled at him gratefully. “That sounds like a good deal.”

 

When Grantaire was back in the spare room despite the comfort of the bed he found he couldn't fall asleep for a long time. When he finally did, his dreams were filled with flowers and trolls and smiles and horrible twitching eyes and a terrible snapping sound echoing in his mind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments and constructive critism appreciated as always :) Thank you so much for all of the support so far its been really lovely waking up to your comments.
> 
> Enjolras' apartment is actually based on one I saw on a website that sells Paris apartments. If I lived to be 300 I could never afford it. There is also a charity that did exist that is based around starving yourself to sponsor starving children. I did it a few times as a kid but I don't think it exists anymore.
> 
> Much Love.


	5. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's disagreement amongst the Amis about their next move. It seems to Grantaire that everything around him is trying to make him confront whats happened to him however he's not ready for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry this update has taken longer than usual. I've had a really bad week on a personal level and my life kinda got crazy all of a sudden. On another note, I found this chapter the most difficult to write so far but I'm happy with the result. I hope you are too.

After waking up abruptly due to the pain shooting through his arm for a third time, Grantaire decided to admit defeat and just stay awake. Spending a good few minutes blinking at the brilliantly white ceiling above him, he finally couldn't ignore the aching throb any more. He leaned over to his night bag where he'd stored his painkillers and referrals and fished the packet out, pushing the paper deeper into the bag as he did so. Taking them dry was not a pleasant experience, especially with his throat feeling sore and hoarse, but he swallowed hard and cringed, tasting the powder as they dissolved in his mouth.

 

Wide awake now, Grantaire decided to venture in his bag and see if there was a chance his mum had packed some form of entertainment for him. He drew out his laptop and charger, but apart from his clothes there wasn't anything else in there. His heart sank as he realised she'd neglected to pack his drawing tablet as he'd been hoping to test out just how much he could do with half his arm in a cast.

 

Slumping back onto the bed and ignoring the ache in his side as he did so, he turned on his laptop knowing he could always rely on the internet for a good distraction so he wouldn't have to focus on other things on his mind. This however proved to be not such a great idea as when he opened his facebook he saw more notifications and private messages then he'd ever had before. Of course people would know. Of course they'd be messaging him. Of course they'd be asking him if he's alright. That question was the one repeated most; and one he couldn't answer honestly.

 

He spent a good few minutes reading some of the sentiments and curious questions people had sent him privately and publicly. They all had a similar sympathetic tone and he was sure they all had good intentions but he couldn't bring himself to answer a single of them and found himself becoming more upset the more he stared at the screen. In a moment of distress decided to deactivate his entire profile all together rather than dealing with and socialising with anybody who had reached out to him, and while he was at it, deactivated the rest of his social media accounts as well.

 

The moment he got the emails confirming the deactivation he felt some of the anxiety that had been building up inside of him alleviate and he let out a breath of relief. It was only when he closed his laptop screen down hard that he realised he was shaking. So the internet wasn't a great idea for a distraction- which meant he'd need something else before his thoughts consumed him.

 

Looking around Enjolras' study he noticed a bookshelf with books stacked rather haphazardly horizontally and vertically with no regard to the order they were placed in. On closer inspection, there weren't just books stacked untidily but also an array of paper, newspaper cutouts ( _who even reads the newspaper anymore?_ ), and to Grantaires surprise, a stack of old printed photos. Feeling as though he was invading some private secret of Enjolras', Grantaire looked over his shoulder before flicking through them quickly.

  
Most of them were faded childhood photos of a young boy with a tuft of curly Blonde hair with various family members posing for the camera, but right at the bottom of the pile was a slightly glossier looking picture of the Les Amis at the Musaine all chatting and laughing. Nobody was looking at the camera and Enjolras must have taken the picture himself because he was the only one missing from the portrait. They all looked relaxed and happy and Grantaire brushed his thumb over the individual faces of the members fondly before stopping when he came to himself: wedged between Eponine and Jehan, his face was caught frozen in the middle of laughing at some old forgotten joke. It must have been whilst he was still drinking as his cheeks were red and he was raising a pint glass of some unidentifiable liquid in a half hearted cheers motion.

 

Grantaire turned the photo over and saw a message scrawled messily in sharpie on the back: “ _My friends at the Musaine_ ” It said simply. Grantaire hadn't noticed his body had completely relaxed as he steadily replaced the photos to their original position, stacked upon an old dog-eared copy of _War and Peace._

 

Most of the books on the bookshelf looked to be filled with matierial too heavy for Grantaire to handle at that moment so he made his way back to his night bag and fished out the Van Gogh book Combeferre had gotten for him.

 

He'd been reading on Enjolras' chair for about an hour when he was startled suddenly, almost dropping the book. The door swung open quickly and Enjolras stood in the doorway with dishevelled hair and a concerned look on his face, he visibly relaxed though when his eyes locked onto Grantaires.

 

“Oh, good.” He said in a slightly breathless voice and when Grantaire looked at him confused he continued “Musichetta just sent me ten messages in a row demanding to know why all of a sudden you can't be found on social media.”

 

“And you thought that by disappearing from social media I'd also somehow disappeared from the face of the earth?” He raised an eyebrow unable to keep the amusement out of his voice.

 

“It's not funny.” Enjolras said seriously. “You do realise that without a phone that's pretty much the only way anybody can contact you right now?”

 

“Oh. Right.” Grantaire said frowning and feeling a twinge of guilt. “No I hadn't thought of that.”

 

“Why did you delete everything?” Enjolras asked still sounding annoyed while entering the room and crossing his arms.

 

“You try getting a million messages from people you barely speak to asking _you_ a million questions about being all over the news. It's not exactly something I want to relive twenty times over to a bunch of distant relatives and people from my high school” Grantaire muttered defensively, tossing his book on top of his bag.

 

Enjolras gave him a funny look that Grantaire couldn't quite place and shifted his shoulders slightly so that his crossed arms looked less like a reprimand and more relaxed. “I'm sorry.” He said stiffly. “I hadn't thought of it like that.”

 

Grantaire shrugged. “It's alright, I just don't want to deal with it right now.” He stood up so that he didn't have to feel as though he was being talked down to. “How did Chetta know that anyway? She doesn't even have a facebook page.” This was something Courfeyrac hadn't been able to comprehend straight away after he'd asked her why she hadn't added him as a friend yet. After he'd recovered from shock enough to ask her why she didn't have one she'd merely shrugged and stated “It's not as though its mandatory.”

 

Enjolras shifted again looking down at his feet. “I think it might have actually been more of Joly's worry than Musichetta's.”

 

“So why didn't he just ask you?” Grantaire asked frowning. “He hasn't lost his phone too has he?” More likely, Grantaire thought, Bossuet had dropped it and fatally destroyed it beyond repair somehow.

 

“No he hasn't.” Enjolras cleared his throat “Anyway if you're going to keep everything deleted it might be a good idea to see everybody in person soon so they don't worry. They've been hinting not so subtly that they'd all like to come over as a group. Obviously though if you're not up for it-”

 

“No that'd be great.” Grantaire said quickly. He wanted company more than ever to stop him from having a moment with his thoughts alone, and something wasn't quite adding up with the way that Enjolras' was dodging questions about Joly. Maybe if he looked sympathetic enough he could find out what was going on from Bossuet or Chetta. “Speaking of... Weren't you going to tell me what was happening with the ABC that was keeping you up for an ungodly amount of time?”

 

Enjolras looked visibly stressed again at the mention of the ABC and Grantaire felt a small amount of guilt for being the one that made his face look that way. “It'll probably be better if we wait until every bodies here before discussing that.” He said “Besides they might think I'll somehow influence your opinion if I tell you everything without them here” He added slightly bitterly.

 

 _Ok._ Grantaire thought. _Something weird is definitely going on._ “Apollo, when have you ever been able to change my opinion?” Grantaire teased hoping to lighten the mood a little bit. Surprisingly, it worked as Enjolras smiled at him. “I'm sure there's been at least one occasion.” He said mysteriously before leaving the room, and leaving Grantaire more than a little bit confused.

 

*

 

Everybody was due to come by at around 6:00pm, and Grantaire found himself glancing at the clock on his laptop screen every 30 seconds or so since about 4:00. Finding himself restless in the guest room, he'd moved himself out into Enjolras lounge room and onto Enjolras' couch, although he was finding it rather difficult to stay there. He'd just gotten up from the couch for about the tenth time when he heard Enjolras sigh from the kitchen counter and snap his laptop screen closed. “Can you sit still for more than five minutes?” He asked, not unkindly.

 

“Sorry. I'm just bored and I don't want to start doing something fun because as soon as I do everybody will get here. And I kind of have this thing where I find it hard to pay attention once I'm doing something fun.”

 

“There's still half an hour before they get here. You could watch an episode of something.”

 

“Yeah but you watch, I'll start watching something and get really into it and then everybody will arrive early and I'll turn it off but then I'll start zoning out while you're all talking about something important because I won't be able to stop wondering if Rachel gets off the plane.”

 

“That's been out for ten years. If you don't know she gets off the plane by now that's really your own fault.”

 

“Whoa, man! Spoilers!” Grantaire gasped in mock offense, dramatically clutching his hand to his chest. “And of course I know she ends up happily ever after with Ross. It's just an example. And really though I'm still low-key mad about that. Who would choose bland, boring, Dinosaur boning Ross over the chance to live in greatest city in the world?”

 

Enjolras shot him an amused smile. “I thought you were a romantic?”

 

Grantaire shrugged “What's more romantic than living your passion in a city of dreamers? Besides Ross, was a fuckboy. There was nothing romantic about him. They were bad for each other.”

 

Enjolras opened his mouth, whether to argue or agree Grantaire didn't know as they were interrupted suddenly with a sharp knock on the door.

 

“See.” Grantaire grinned as Enjolras went to answer the door. “I told you they'd be early. And you were to have me _watch_ something.” He mocked following a step behind Enjolras.

 

“The Tragedy.” Enjolras said rolling his eyes, but he was smiling. He opened the door to reveal Joly standing in his scrubs with his coat undone on the opposite side of the door looking slightly distressed.

 

“I came straight from the hospital so I'm afraid I'm a little bit early.” Joly said stiffly. He relaxed a little when he set his eyes on Grantaire.

 

“Hey.” He smiled. “Can I talk to you out here for a second.”

 

“Uh, yeah sure.” Grantaire said confused, he looked at Enjolras for some kind of explanation but he was already heading back into the living room without a word.

 

Grantaire closed the door behind him and was about to lay into Joly for being rude but his words escaped him as he was pulled into a deep hug. He couldn't help but sink into and be comforted by it. When Joly let go of him he held him by his shoulders at arms length, examining his bruises.

 

“Joly, I'm fine. I promise. My face is so numb right now you could probably punch me and I wouldn't feel a thing.”

 

Joly pressed his lips together. “You're not taking more painkillers than what you've been prescribed are you?”

 

“What? No, of course I'm not! I'm not completely incapable of taking care of myself you know.”

 

Joly gave him a look that seemed to say he doubted that. Grantaire sighed. “You didn't drag me out here just to nag me did you? You know I have an actual mother to do that for me, right”

 

“No actually, I came early to ask you to consider staying with Boss and Chetta and me instead of staying here.” Joly said looking at him sternly.

 

“What?” Grantaire asked confused. “Why?”

 

“Well... I mean I could keep an eye on you and you'd be staying with somebody with actual medical experience not somebody who...” He trailed off sighing. “ Anyway it would be fun and you'd get to have Thai food almost every night.”

 

“As much as I love Chetta's cooking, you guys only have a one bedroom place, and no offense but for an apartment with three people in it, your couch is _so_ tiny. Where would I even sleep?”

 

“You could have our bed.”

 

“And you'd all, what? Camp out in the kitchen or something? I don't get it Joly, why don't you want me to stay with Enjolras? What's going on with you two?” It was Grantaire's turn to look at Joly sternly, which felt very strange. Joly gave him a very unconvincing smile.

 

“Nothings going on.”

 

“That's Bullshit, Joly. You're both being really weird.”

 

“I just think it would be better if you stayed with us, that's all. For everybody.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean?” Grantaire asked exasperated. “Now I'm even more confused than before.”

 

The elevator dinged and the doors opened to reveal Courfeyrac, Marius, Cosette, Jehan and Combeferre who looked very suprised to see Grantaire and Joly looking intense outside of the apartment.

 

“Uh, did we interrupt a deep and meaningful?” Courfeyrac asked as they stepped out.

 

Grantaire pressed a smile at them, a little annoyed that he didn't get a straight answer out of Joly. “Nah, Joly was just nagging me about taking my meds in the recommended dosage.”

 

Combeferre furrowed his brow. “Well, he's right you know. That's not something you want to mess with.”

 

“Oh My God!” Grantaire exclaimed throwing his good arm up in defeat. “How incapable do you all think I am? I can follow directions on a box!”

 

“Well I think that oven pizza you tried to make me would disagree.” Jehan teased.

 

“That was one time!” Grantaire whined.

 

“I think we should probably move this conversation inside before Enjolras' neighbours get upset at the noise.” Cosette said smiling and waving a hand at an older man down the hall who was sticking his head of his door curiously.

 

“Good idea. Then you can all gang up on Enjolras instead of me.”

 

They made to go inside and Courfeyrac moved beside him. “So hows that going anyway?” He asked in a low voice “You guys tear each other to shreds yet?”

 

“Um no, actually. We've both just kind of been sleeping.”

 

Courfeyrac grin widened and he wiggled his eyebrows at Grantaire who rolled his eyes. “Don't get any ideas. Separate bedrooms, Courf.”

 

“Well that's not any fun.” He pouted.

 

Soon enough everybody else had arrived and although Enjolras' apartment wasn't exactly small there was a distinct lack of places for everybody to sit, which lead to Enjolras standing, Cosette taking a seat on Marius' lap and Grantaire wedged kind of uncomfortably on the two seater couch between Eponine and Bossuet. After a good amount of chit chat Eponine finally turned to look at Grantaire seriously.

 

“So.” She said staring him down, the room went oddly quiet and Grantaire shifted uncomfortably under their gaze. “Obviously you're the one this has effected the most. What do you think we should do?”

 

Grantaire blinked at her and looked around at the expectant faces around him. “Um... About what?” He asked confused.

 

Eponine snapped her head around to where Enjolras was standing and gave him a dangerous look. “Seriously? You haven't told him?”

 

“Enjolras!” Cosette and Combeferre scolded at the same time.

 

“Wait. Told me what?” Grantaire asked feeling thoroughly out of the loop and then remembering the look on Enjolras' face when he mentioned the ABC earlier. “Hang on, is this the ABC thing? What's happening?”

 

“I didn't want any of you to think I wasn't being objective” Enjolras said looking pointedly in Joly's direction.

 

“You still could have filled him in on the details” Combeferre said in a rational tone.

 

“Would somebody please just tell me what's going on?” Grantaire asked exasperated.

 

“We've been getting death threats.” Bahorel said in a tone that was way too casual for that type of subject matter. “Not everybody, but most of us.”

 

“And as far as we can tell their only targeting original ABC members so far.” Feuilly added. “They've been pretty run of the mill-”

 

“Run of the Mill?! How the hell can a death threat be run of the mill?” Grantaire exclaimed. Everybody was acting way too calm about this.

 

“Well you know, nothing specific, no names or personal threats, just a sentence usually comprised of Magazine cutouts, I mean honestly, how cliché can you get?” Jehan sniffed sounding more offended by the aesthetic than by the death threat.

 

“Am I missing something?” Grantaire asked looking around the room wildly “Why aren't you guys... I don't know freaking out more?”

 

“We were.” Marius said earnestly. “Cosette's dad was the one who found hers, he wanted to send her to their country summer house straight away.” Grantaire saw his grip on her hand tighten.

 

“Yes, Marius. But like I said to him and to you, I'm not going anywhere. Running away isn't going to solve anything” She said this in the agitated tone of somebody who'd had to repeat it multiple times already.

 

“We've had more than a full day to process this, Grantaire.” Combeferre said carefully. “What we were trying to decide as a group though, is whether we should stop our focus on these people for sake of the groups safety or ignore the danger and continue trying to expose the corruption.”

 

“It's not exactly like they're making empty threats! They've already tried to kill Grantaire.” Joly almost shouted and Grantaire felt a coldness hit his chest and a shiver hit his spine when he heard the word kill and suddenly recalled waking up feeling confused and disoriented to three people discussing killing him. He pushed the thought as far back into his mind as he could and tried to redirect his focus to the conversation. People were still talking, in voices that were tense and raised. He had missed what they'd said so far and tried to tune into what Enjolras was saying.

 

“-That mentality means that they can go around terrorising whoever they want and nobody will try to stop them.”

 

“But why should the people trying to stop them have be us?” Marius said. “I mean it's a problem that the police should be dealing with-”

 

“The police are the problem.” Feuilly said. “If we just hand it over to them it will disappear into a mess of bureaucracy and corruption.”

 

“Ok! Ok!” Eponine said loudly. “We've heard all of these arguments before, remember? We don't need to hear them again.”

 

“That's right.” Combeferre said pushing his glasses up his nose. “There's only one person whose actually been effected physically by these people and that's you Grantaire. So...”

 

“So we've decided whatever you want to do, as a group that's what we'll do too.” Courfeyrac finished for him.

 

“You want me to be the deciding vote?” Grantaire asked surprised. He didn't think his opinion had ever mattered.

 

“Well Like Ferre said... It's effected you the most, and it might keep effecting you depending on what we do.” Bossuet said sympathetically.

 

Grantaire was silent. He thought about how good it would feel to be able to tell them their cause wasn't worth it and to have them actually listen and not follow through because of something he had said. How many times had he tried to convince them not to go into danger only for it to fall upon deaf ears? He also thought about how much easier he would sleep knowing that his friends weren't getting death threats or that the people who had hurt him wouldn't be a problem if they just left things alone.

 

It would just be so easy to give this one up, let it be somebody else's problem for once, the messages from near strangers would stop, his face would eventually disappear from news outlets as though it had never happened and he could go back to his own apartment and pretend that it had never happened. Then the cause would pick up some other worthy problem soon enough and then they'd all forget too. It'd just be somebody else's problem-

 

“No.” He said suddenly.

 

“No, what?” Feuilly asked tentatively.

 

“No we shouldn't just give up. I mean I know it's dangerous and its probably a stupid idea to continue but I mean that's what we wanted to do right? Change the world or whatever? And if they're pushing back it might mean that it's kinda working, and they're getting scared. If they weren't scared of what we could do they wouldn't bother. So it means we're doing the right thing and I mean it won't be the only time somebody tries to stop us. If we back off every time things get dangerous we won't ever actually get anything done, right?”

 

He looked around the room and saw that for the majority their reactions were positive. However, Joly was looking at him as though slightly conflicted. “Are you sure?” He asked quietly.

 

“Yeah, I guess.” He said shooting him what he hoped was an encouraging smile. Joly didn't return it.

 

Bahorel clapped him on the back awkwardly, narrowly missing knocking Bossuet out as he did so.

 

“Right, now that that's settled we should really talk our next move and we should also stay together for the most part. I don't want anybody walking down dark alleys at night by themselves” Combeferre said looking sternly around the room. The room began to buzz again as the conversation started up for ideas of what to do next.

 

Grantaire looked over to where Enjolras was standing, expecting to see him looking to where Marius was talking only to find his eyes lock onto his own.

 

Enjolras was beaming at him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire has some strong opinions about TV shows, as do I. The chapter title is kind of a joke but also I just really like writing friendship, especially Joly worried over Grantaire. Again sorry about the delay. Please comment any constructive criticism so I can get better for you all. Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos so far.


	6. Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Grantaire was speechless for a moment, if there was one thing they didn't talk about it was his horribly crushing feelings for Enjolras. It was an unspoken rule. And Grantaire was suddenly hyper aware that Enjolras was somewhere on the other end of the door."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up! There's a lot of dialogue in this chapter, hence the title.

Grantaire was finding it hard to concentrate on what anybody was saying and was finding his temptation of looking over to where Enjolras was every few seconds unbearable. Even worse though was the way Joly kept looking at him as though he wanted to say something in private, but being on the opposite end of the room and surrounded by their friends was preventing him from doing so.

 

Finally, Chetta stifled a yawn and looked down at her watch. “Oh my goodness. It's almost 10:00PM and I have an early start tomorrow. Boss, Joly; we'd better go.”

 

“Enjolras probably wants his apartment back.” Combeferre said getting to his feet. “I wasn't kidding about walking back in groups. We should all leave together.”

 

After multiple goodbyes, they all began to file out. “Seriously, R. How am I going to share cute pictures of cats with you now? Did you have to delete _everything_?” Courfeyrac whined as he left. “You're killing me here.”

 

“Think of it as a sort of rehabilitation for your serial tagging.” Grataire smiled at him. “I'll get a new phone soon though... Probably.”

 

Courfeyrac gave him a pained look before leaving. Despite being the first one to insist that they leave, Musichetta, Bossuet and Joly were the last to go. Joly hovering awkwardly at the door. Grantaire followed them out to the hallway.

 

“Do you guys mind waiting downstairs while I talk to Joly?” He asked not wanting to make his friend ask to speak to him alone for a second time that night.

 

“Of course.” Chetta said giving him a kiss on the forehead before joining Bossuet in the elevator. “But you should know he tells us everything.” She blew them a kiss as the doors closed.

 

There was an odd silence, Grantaire knew being the one who asked, he should speak first but he didn't know what to say.

 

“I know you said you were worried about me-”

 

“Of course I'm worried about you. Sometimes I think you have some kind of death wish R... I mean why would you even agree to stay with Enjolras. Surely that's not helping your emotional state right now.”

 

Grantaire was speechless for a moment, if there was one thing they didn't talk about it was his horribly crushing feelings for Enjolras. It was an unspoken rule. And Grantaire was suddenly hyper aware that Enjolras was somewhere on the other end of the door. He decided to try and pretend he didn't know what Joly was talking about. “Ok, you seriously have to tell me why all of a sudden you two hate each other. You guys were staring daggers in there.”

 

“He doesn't care about you, R!” Joly said keeping his voice low but sharp. And as much as Grantaire could try and ignore what Joly had said before he couldn't ignore that or the sting it brought to his chest. “It's Just...” Joly continued, brushing a hand through his dark hair. “You were passed out when all of this death threat stuff was happening and we were still processing what had happened to you and you weren't there... You couldn't hear what he was saying. The moment some of us started saying we should back off from putting the spotlight on these people- I can't really explain it but everything he said just made me so mad. It was like nothing you went through mattered. Like it was all just another accomplishment to add to the ABC's wall or something.”

 

Grantaire didn't know what to say for a moment and considered this. It made more sense that Enjolras was letting him stay at his place for some kind of favour to the cause then it was for him to be actually capable of caring about Grantaire. And now that he thought about it, he was oddly fast to volunteer his apartment, he'd apparently been asking his mother questions about him, he'd also been unusually accommodating. Grantaire had a brief moment of panic thinking that Enjolras might be trying to mould him into some kind poster child for what was capable of happening when you stood up to a corrupt system.

 

“I'm not trying to make you upset.” Joly continued. “But you have to admit that this thing you have with him is slightly unhealthy? Or at the very least it hurts you more than it helps you.”

 

“What _thing_?” Grantaire asked, but he had a feeling he knew where Joly was going.

 

“If you want me to spell it out for you...” Joly sighed. “When you're not fighting with him you're pining over him like some kind of mistreated puppy. Lately you've been avoiding all of us and I know its not something _we've_ done. It's been like this since the rally and I know something weird happened between you two around that time. I mean you said it yourself that those men thought you were together for Christ's sake. If you don't want to tell me about it, fine. But please don't push us away. And don't you dare try to deny that he had something to do with you acting all distant with us.”

 

Grantaire had honestly not expected Joly to have noticed as much as he did. Everything including avoiding the groups company he'd thought he'd been hiding so well. He felt transparent and exposed. There was a lump rising up in his throat. “I'm sorry.” He managed to choke out before it overcame him and he threw himself into Joly's arms trying to tell him without words just how much he knew he'd fucked up. “After the rally I just felt like I didn't deserve you guys. And I thought it was only a matter of time before you all realised that so I started to distance myself so that it wouldn't be as hard to let go when you finally did.”

 

“Grantaire!” Joly exclaimed sounding horrified and pressing him tightly. “That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Why on earth would you think that?”

 

“I don't know.” He was trying to hold back his tears. “I know I fucked up. All I could think about while I was in that stupid truck was how much time I could have spent with you guys instead of avoiding you. I'm so sorry.”

 

He let go of Joly so that he'd have a chance to see just how honest he was being. Joly looked concerned. “Was it something he did? To make you feel like that?” He asked quietly.

 

“I don't know? I don't think so...” Grantaire said and when Joly gave him a sceptical look he added “Honestly. I don't know what it was. It was just kind of...” He took a deep breath “I woke up one day and I couldn't get out of bed. I can't explain it. I had a million things to do. I wasn't sick, I wasn't tired I just couldn't move. All I could think about was how if I couldn't even get out of bed for myself what could I do for you guys? For anybody? I'd just drag you down or something. You're all doing amazing things and being exceptional people and I'm just sort of... There. And that thought never went away, even when I could eventually get up it just lingered and manifested and it made me feel guilty for spending time with all of you.”

 

When Grantaire looked up to see Joly's reaction he was met with a frightened and slightly horrified expression. It pained him to know he was causing his friend some kind of torment. _This is why you should keep these things to yourself._ He thought bitterly. Joly was silent for a moment, running his hand over his mouth repeatedly in a motion Grantaire knew meant he was wording and rewording an argument in his head before saying it aloud. Grantaire mentally braced himself for a beration, but none came. Instead Joly fixed him with a serious look.

 

“Have you ever considered talking to somebody about this?” He asked quietly.

 

Grantaire was taken aback. “Well I'm... Talking to you?”

 

“No.” Joly said shaking his head. “I mean a professional. I think... I think you might have depression, R.”

 

Grantaire was struck dumb. If he was honest with himself, he had considered it as a possibility before; he knew his days were generally a lot more difficult to get through then what was considered normal and he'd always suffered from crippling self doubt but to put a name on it was ridiculous. He couldn't be depressed. There were people all around in much worse positions then he was and he didn't have a right to label himself depressed when it was probably just him pathetically feeling sorry for himself. And sure- he was in a near-constant emotional state of being completely numb or completely in pain but that didn't mean it was anything more serious then a couple of off days... Did it?

 

“I don't know...” Grantaire sighed running his hand through his hair, before realising his response didn't at all match up to what Joly was saying. He seemed to understand though, giving his arm a reassuring squeeze.

 

“Look, I don't want you isolating yourself away from everybody. At least let us talk to you without having to come here. Can you promise me you'll get a new phone as soon as possible?”

 

Grantaire nodded.

 

“And talk to me whenever you begin to feel like it's too much, Okay?”

 

Grantaire cleared his throat, trying desperately to keep his voice even. “Okay.”

 

Joly gave a tentative look towards the elevator. “I'd better go... Do you need anything? Seriously, R, anything?”

 

Grantaire hated asking for favours but he knew if he was forced to go too long without some kind of creative outlet everything would get a lot worse in a very short time-frame.

 

“In my apartment... If you could bring me my drawing tablet? I mean if it's too out of the way don't worry abou-”

 

“Consider it done. I'll bring it over before work tomorrow, alright?”

 

“Do you still have a spare key to my place?”

 

“Yeah I had to lend it to your mum but I'm pretty sure she gave it back.” He pulled his mini-stethoscope keyring out of his pocket and fanned the 4 keys on the chain apart. “Yup. Anything else you want? Favourite shirt? Comfort food? That teddy bear you hide under your pillow that I totally don't know you have?”

 

Grantaire let out a small laugh, feeling some of the tension in his shoulders loosen. “I'll be fine. Really.”

 

Joly gave him a reassuring smile. “The offer still stands by the way... Staying with us I mean.”

 

Grantaires thoughts snapped back to Enjolras. He shot a glance towards the door, biting his lip. Just moments ago he'd been aching to look over in his direction for just the slightest sign of approval, but now he felt like he couldn't even look him in the eye. He had a sort of morbid curiosity as to what Enjolras would have had to say to make Joly so mad.

 

“I'm good. I don't want to put you out, and try not to be too hard on Enjolras. This wasn't his fault.”

 

Joly merely sighed and shook his head. “If you feel like you're up for it you can ask him what he said yourself. Call me if you change your mind.”

 

Joly ruffled Grantaires hair before getting into the elevator. Grantaire stood watching the floor numbers above the elevator change as Joly made his way down. He was in no rush to go back into the apartment and be alone with Enjolras. He could always just pretend he was tired and go straight to bed, but he was stubborn and he knew he wouldn't be able to rest without confronting Enjolras. Just when things seemed to be going so well too. The elevator had reached the ground level and Grantaire dragged his feet towards the door. He laid his head against the cold wood for a moment and took a deep breath before straightening and opening the door.

 

He could feel his heart hammering faster in his chest and his hands had begun to shake again. He stuffed them hastily into his hoodie's pockets and continued onwards. Ever since he'd stopped drinking he'd been this way about confrontation. When he was in his glory days he would be treading the fine line between tipsy and drunk and be able to construe an argument for anyone and anything, although he did always specialise in arguing with Enjolras. Now it seemed like such an impossible fate, almost a death march. Who would be idiotic enough to argue with the sun and expect to not get burnt? What he wouldn't give for a shot of something strong.

 

He swallowed tentatively. Enjolras was sitting at the kitchen counter typing something on his laptop when he came into Grantaire's view. Enjolras looked up, giving him a warm smile as he looked straight at Grantaire, who almost felt his nerve retreat.

 

“I was just about to go see where you were. I thought for a moment you'd left with the others.” Enjolras said getting to his feet.

 

Grantaire forced a smile. “Nah, I was just talking to Joly.”

 

“Listen I wanted to-”

 

“He was saying that-”

 

“Oh, sorry. You go.” Enjolras said giving him another breathtaking smile. _You can do this._ Grantaire thought. Yet at the same time he knew he would do anything to see Enjolras smile at him like that forever and the knowledge that what he was going to ask him was probably going to start a fight was temporarily muting him.

 

“I just wanted to ask you...” Grantaire started, he realised suddenly that at some point he had taken his hands out of his pockets and was twisting them together nervously. He shoved them back in and cleared his throat, starting again. “Look, I know you and Joly aren't really getting along at the moment, and that probably has something to do with... Well with me.” He looked up and saw that Enjolras' smile was faltering and he kicked himself mentally.

 

“He won't tell me what's going on” Grantaire continued. If he had to twist the truth a little to get it out of Enjolras then so be it. “Did you say something that might have made him upset? I mean if I'm totally off the mark and it's none of my business just tell me to shut up or something.”

 

Enjolras gave him a fixed look. “Are you sure you want to talk about this right now?”

 

“Not really.” Grantaire admitted. “But I want to fix this. Especially if it has something to do with me.”

 

Enjolras was quiet for a long time but didn't look away from Grantaire. Just like with Joly beforehand Grantaire knew this meant he was considering his words carefully before speaking. Grantaire wondered for a moment if Enjolras would lie to him.

 

Enjolras spoke carefully. “Joly seems to be under the impression that I'm actively trying to throw everybody into danger out of some kind of false bravado or out of wanting some kind of empty recognition for bravery.”

 

“Did you maybe say something that might have been taken out of context to make him think that?” Grantaire asked just as carefully.

 

Enjolras rapped his fingers on the counter a few times before stepping closer to Grantaire. “Can I show you something?” He asked.

 

Grantaire cocked an eyebrow at him, trying not to notice how close they were. “Um... Only if you're not trying to get out of answering the question. I know I'm easily distracted but its not going to work.”

 

Enjolras just shook his head and slid his laptop towards them. He typed in the address for the news website he worked for and brought up an article from the day after Grantaire's attack. “I wrote this not long after I saw you in the hospital.” Enjolras said and angled the screen towards Grantaire, who had no choice but to look at it. His attempts to avoid ever having to read or see anything that related to what had happened was obviously going to stop tonight. Grantaire pulled the laptop towards him and began to read.

 

To Enjolras' credit, the article barely mentioned Grantaire by name. The opening paragraph prefaced what had happened, but the majority of it was an overcap of what the Les Amis had been looking into and trying to accomplish and a plea to people to fight against the corruption. Like everything Enjolras wrote it was filled with passion and towards the end there was a heated paragraph that assured the readers that they would not be bullied into backing down.

 

“I don't understand.” Grantaire said when he got to the end. Reading the article had not made him angry at Enjolras it had just made him more confused.

 

“Joly's argument is that I was talking for you. For all of the Les Amis, and that by insisting we won't back down we're practically inviting a response or an attack.”

 

“I can kind of see where he's coming from, but this can't be the only reason he's mad at you.”

 

“So I was talking for you?” Enjolras asked sharply.

 

“What? No, not that... I wouldn't really care even if you did but I mean... You're not exactly passive. This is one step away from being taunting. It's like... I don't know it kinda reads like you're saying 'What else have you got? We can take you.' Which I'm not exactly sure we can.”

 

“You seemed to think we could earlier this evening.” Enjolras said in a dangerous tone and Grantaire had to resist the urge to slam his own face into the counter.

 

“I think we should _try_. And I don't know maybe we can take them, but...” Grantaire rubbed his left temple with his good hand to try and relieve the pounding that had begun to consume his head. “You kind of make it sound like we're an army... Or some sort of unstoppable force to be reckoned with, which don't get me wrong is really inspiring and everything but... They could very easily backfire if they wanted to test that out... Ugh, I'm not wording this right. Look what I'm trying to say is...” He looked up at Enjolras and saw fire in his eyes. His words faltered in his throat.

 

“I don't know what I'm saying.” He sighed and closed his eyes, he folded his left arm against his cast and buried his head in his arms on the counter. He didn't want Enjolras to look at him in that way and he definitely didn't want Enjolras to see his face right now. Why did he have to push at something that could have gone away?

 

He was surprised when a moment later he felt a warm hand grip his shoulder firmly. He tilted his head and opened his eyes, risking being burnt. The only thing he saw in Enjolras' eyes however was kindness. “I get it.” Enjolras said softly. “We don't know how it's going to turn out now that we've decided to push back. There is a possibility that we will lose. But I think it's our civil duty, when we see and are effected by corruption to stand up for it and not to back down before it becomes too big to handle.”

 

Grantaire smiled up at him. He was relieved that his ineloquent sputtering hadn't caused another fight. But he also knew that they weren't quite finished. “And what you said to Joly?” Grantaire asked hoping that Enjolras' patience could be stretched. Enjolras took his hand off of Grantaires shoulder.

 

“I may have said something similar but in a more... Accusatory tone.”

 

“Did you maybe say something along the lines of 'If you don't take a stand against them because you're scared you're no better than them?'” Grantaire asked taking a stab in the dark.

 

Enjolras frowned at him. “So he did tell you, then.”

 

“Uh... No, actually. Lucky guess. Wait, you seriously said that?” Grantaire asked raising his eyebrow.

 

Enjolras sighed. “I was mad and he seemed to have an argument for every point I was making. I was trying to get everybody motivated and riled up to do something about it and he was trying to get us to back down. I obviously didn't mean it come out like that but... When I'm in a heated argument I-”

 

“-Can get pretty mean.” Grantaire finished for him, shooting him a sad smile. “Yeah, I know.”

 

“I'm working on it.” Enjolras said, which Grantaire knew would be the closest he'd get to an apology.

 

“Well that makes more sense now.” Grantaire said letting out a breath of relief, his head was still pounding relentlessly. He was exhausted from the just the sheer amount of heavy conversations he'd had. “I think you need to explain yourself to him a little, though. He's under the impression that you don't care about me.” Grantaire snapped his mouth shut. He hadn't meant to say the last part out loud but with his head tormenting him the way it was it had just kind of slipped out.

 

Enjolras looked taken aback and if there was something that Grantaire didn't think he could handle at that moment, it was an awkward silence that would only confirm that Joly was right. It was one thing to know it deep down but to have Enjolras admit it himself... He didn't think he had the strength to hear it.

 

“Of course I care about you.” Enjolras said quietly.

 

Grantaire didn't know what to say. All he could do was stare at Enjolras' stupid perfect face and wonder how on earth somebody so above him could even consider him to be anything more than an annoyance, let alone care for him. He had to be wrong, it had to be some kind of by-product of being with The ABC. Enjolras cared about him because he was one of them. He cared about him out of association. That was the only explanation.

 

“You know that right?” Enjolras prompted sounding slightly hurt, and _Oh God,_ Enjolras sounding hurt was not something Grantaire had ever wanted to hear.

 

“I... Well, I know that you do now.” Grantaire cringed inwards as he said it wishing he could take it back straight away.

 

Grantaire saw something flicker behind Enjolras' eyes, but his face remained unchanged. Then all of a sudden Enjolras was laughing. It was so out of the blue and manic sounding that Grantaire startled and could only stare at him.

 

“You don't know... Of course you don't know.” Enjolras said. He wasn't laughing anymore and Grantaire was shocked to see that his eyes were glassy and he looked close to tears. “I've treated you... So terribly, and not entirely on accident either.”

 

“What? Enjolras. No you haven't!”

 

Enjolras ignored him and snatched Grantaires hand up his own. “But you have to know Grantaire, I _do_ care about you. You have to understand.”

 

“Ok. I... I'm sorry. I do. I promise.” Grantaire said feeling his heart leap into his throat at the conviction in Enjolras' voice. He was sure that Enjolras could feel his pulse beating in his hands and Grantaire suddenly realised that they were very close to each other. Enjolras was looking at him so intensely and all of a sudden Enjolras was holding him tightly.

 

It took a second for Grantaire to comprehend what was going on but when his brain had started to function again he realised it would be incredibly rude not to hug Enjolras back. So fighting back every instinct screaming in his mind to run away he tightened his arms around his back and tried to squeeze everything he could to tell Enjolras he understood into the embrace. He had never done anything this physically intimate with Enjolras before but he realised with a stab of longing that he could very easily get used to it.

 

When Enjolras relinquished his grip he knew his face was burning but he barely cared. Enjolras was smiling at him. They stood in semi comfortable silence for a while before Enjolras cleared his throat.

 

“It's been a long night.” He said quietly. “I should call Joly and apologise.”

 

“Yeah... I should probably get to bed.” Grantaire said looking away.

 

They made their way into the separate bedrooms bidding each other an awkward goodnight and when Grantaire closed the door he slid down against it almost instantly. His emotions were doing somersaults, he didn't know what he was feeling but it was crushing him.

 

Joly's worried voice echoed in his mind “ _It hurts you more than it helps you._ ” But the voice that followed was kind and gentle and belonged to Enjolras. “ _Of course I care about you_ ”.

 

Grantaire banged his head against the door as quietly as he could.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) Hope everybody had a good easter. x


	7. Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He only realised he was crying when Enjolras used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe his tears away. His sharp blue eyes were looking at him with such ferocity that for a horrible moment Grantaire thought he'd done something to upset him. But then Grantaire remembered how passionately Enjolras had told him he'd cared about him the night before and he realised with a shock that Enjolras was mad for him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY! I'm celebrating with wine and fic ^.^

“Grantaire. Wake up.”

 

“Mmm... Just gimme... Another hour.” Grantaire moaned nuzzling the pillow he was cuddling closer to him. He was halfway between awake and asleep and could so easily fall back-

 

“Isn't it usually standard to ask for five minutes, not an hour?” The voice sounded amused and familiar. Almost like-

 

 _Enjolras' voice!_ Grantaire realised waking up immediately.

 

He was dazed and confused for half a moment wondering why Enjolras was in his bedroom before his brain caught up with him and he remembered where he was. Grantaire sat up straight rubbing his eyes and trying to subtly hide the heat that had risen to his cheeks. He looked over to where Enjolras was standing fully dressed in a button up long-sleeved shirt and smiling amusedly down at him and thought about how unfair it was that he had to handle Enjolras _looking_ this way so early in the morning. Especially when Enjolras had just caught him practically spooning a pillow in nothing but his boxer shorts.

 

“You have a phone call.” Enjolras said holding his phone out to Grantaire. “It's Joly.”

 

“Thanks... And no judging me before 8:00am!” He muttered as Enjolras made his way out. Enjolras stopped in the doorway turning to smile at him.

 

“It's actually closer to 9:00 but I'll give you a free pass.” He grinned, heading to the kitchen. Grantaire took a second to compose himself before bringing the phone to his ear.

 

“Hey Joly, what's up?” Grantaire said through a yawn falling back onto the pillow.

 

“Well, judging by your chipper tone I'm guessing you haven't been awake enough to buy a new phone yet?” Joly teased. Grantaire figured by the way he was slightly out of breath that he was walking while talking.

 

“I woke up like 10 seconds ago!”

 

Joly laughed. “I'm almost at your apartment now. I just wanted to make sure you didn't need anything else while I'm here.”

 

“I would literally murder somebody for a coffee.” Grantaire moaned blinking rapidly to focus his eyes.

 

“Well I'll stop by that place you like and get you one. Bossuet said that their muffins are also to die for so I might-”

 

The other end of the line went deadly quiet all of a sudden and Grantaire sat up abruptly.

 

“Joly? You ok?” He asked trying to keep the panic out of his voice.

 

“Shit...” Joly whispered.

 

“What's happened? Jo-”

 

“-Umm. No. It's- it's Fine. Listen... Umm, is there a possibility that you're doing some weird art project in your apartment at the moment”

 

“No...” Grantaire said slowly feeling his anxiety begin to build. “In fact I cleaned up before I left for the meeting.”

 

“Oh. Um. Okay. Coooool. Cool. So is your- Do you think your mum would have tidied up a little bit after she picked up your stuff?”

 

Grantaire gave a nervous laugh, apprehensive to where this was going. “I know she would have. In fact she probably would have spent the first hour there ignoring my stuff and scrubbing the coffee table. What's going on?”

 

“Ok, well. Listen, don't freak out or anything okay? But... I think you might have been robbed.”

 

Grantaire didn't freak out. In fact he didn't even feel surprised, the only thing he felt at that moment was an odd sensation to laugh out loud. _Of course!_ He thought wildly. Because that's just something that apparently happened to him now.

 

“I'm not freaking out, Joly.” He said in an impassive tone.

 

“Okay well do you mind if I freak out a little bit and call you back?” Joly's voice was getting more and more high pitched and Grantaire knew if he stayed on the line he eventually wouldn't be able to make out a word he was saying.

 

“Knock yourself out.” Grantaire sighed hanging up the phone

 

Staring emptily ahead of him, for a moment he contemplated what exactly he must have done in a past life to deserve this kind of bad luck. _Maybe I just caught it from Bossuet_. He thought cynically before throwing on an old band t-shirt and heading to the kitchen.

 

Enjolras was absent-mindedly chewing on a piece of toast while reading something on his laptop. It must have been particularly intriguing because he hadn't noticed Grantaire had joined him at the counter until he spoke.

 

“So Joly's just been to my place. He thinks I've been robbed.” Grantaire said casually using his index finger and thumb to untangle a knot in his hair.

 

Enjolras' eyes snapped up from the laptop. “What?!”

 

“I said, Joly thinks I've been robbed.” Grantaire repeated smoothing out the curl he'd just unravelled.

 

“No. I heard you, it's just- are you alright?” Enjolras asked looking at him intensely. Grantaire merely shrugged. “It's not like I was there for it or anything.”

 

“Do you think it was the same people? It could be a possibility they were looking for you again and if that's the case-”

 

“-If that's the case then it's a good thing I'm on the top floor of an apartment block way too fancy to hold somebody like me and probably in the last place they'd look.”

 

“It's not the last place they'd look if they think you're my boyfriend.”

 

Grantaire merely shrugged trying not to let the fact that he just heard Enjolras say _you're my boyfriend_ affect him too much; outwardly at least.

 

“Well let's just hope your doorman is also secretly a ninja.” He dead-panned getting up from the counter, Enjolras looked like he wanted to keep talking so Grantaire decided to make his exit, heading back to the guest room instead. After the night before where all he'd had were conversations that were emotionally difficult he wanted nothing more than to just go back to bed and never speak again. Settling instead for a hot shower to clear his head, he began to gather some clean clothes from his overnight bag.

 

“Where do you think you're going?” Enjolras demanded blocking the doorway.

 

“Um. To the shower? Is that allowed or do you think I need some kind of bodyguard in there too?” Grantaire asked in a stoney voice.

 

Enjolras sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. “Look, obviously this has made you upset but-”

 

“-I'm not upset!”

 

“But I don't think you realise how serious this is.”

 

“I don't- _I_ don't realise?” Grantaire asked his mouth falling open in disbelief.

 

Enjolras looked away quickly. “That's not what I meant.”

 

“I'm sorry if I'm not reacting the way you think I should be.” Grantaire said his voice shaking and rising with anger. “But I just don't feel like I have the energy or the capacity right now to have an emotional breakdown over _another_ shitty thing that's happened to me in the last few days. So do you think you could give me like five minutes where I can just act like every thing's okay even if it's not?”

 

Enjolras went quiet. “Okay.”

 

“Thank you.” Grantaire replied bitterly. He expected Enjolras to leave and give him some space to cool down but instead he took a few more steps into the room. Grantaire sat down on the bed furling the shirt he was holding in his hands and looking down at the floor. A bubble of guilt had began to form in the pit of his stomach.

 

“I didn't mean to yell at you.” He said quietly, he could feel a hot sting as his eyes became watery and tried to blink it away before tears formed.

 

Grantaire felt the mattress beside him shift slightly as Enjolras sat down on the bed next to him.

 

“I know.”

 

Grantaire drew his legs up to his chest and curled his good arm around his legs pushing his face into his knees. “I just want this to end.” He said more to himself than to Enjolras.

 

He thought bitterly too himself that maybe if he withdrew himself completely he'd eventually just disappear all together. Suddenly, he felt Enjolras' hand brush against his back and reach around to his shoulder. Gently, Enjolras pulled him sideways so that Grantaire's head could rest between the nook between his neck and shoulder. Silently they stayed like that for a time frame that was unclear. Time didn't exist in that moment, all that existed was Enjolras' warmth and comfort. Grantaire was so lost within the shadows of his mind and Enjolras that he had no idea if they'd remained like that for a minute or an hour.

 

They both jumped when Enjolras' phone began to vibrate on the desk beside them. Joly's name was flashing on the caller ID.

 

“Do you want me to get it?” Enjolras asked softly.

 

Grantaire would have snarked back saying something like “It's your phone.” but he didn't think he had it in him to talk at that point so he merely shrugged. Grantaire felt the warmth that wasn't entirely due to body heat leave him the moment Enjolras got up to answer the phone.

 

“Hey, It's me.” Enjolras said. There was a pause and Enjolras looked towards Grantaire before replying. “No, not right now.”

 

Joly must have been talking for a long time because the next pause lasted minutes, only interceded by Enjolras occasionally saying “Yes.” or “Okay.”. Finally Enjolras said. “Okay, I'll let him know. We'll see you soon.” before hanging up.

 

“So you guys are talking again?” Grantaire asked in a low tone, his throat feeling hoarse and fragile.

 

“Yes.” Enjolras smiled at him. “Thanks to you.”

 

“Don't thank me, thank the magical power of communication.”

 

“I like thanking you more.”

 

Grantaire didn't really know how to respond to that so he just pressed his lips together in what he hoped passed as a reasonable smile.

 

 _Rip it off like a band-aid._ Grantaire thought to himself.“So what did he say?”

 

“Do you really want me to tell you? We can talk about something else if you'd prefer. Or we don't have to talk at all.”

 

“Nah, just tell me. I won't stop thinking about it if you don't.” Grantaire said sighing and adjusting his position on the bed.

 

Enjolras was silent for a moment, he sat down next to Grantaire.

 

“He thinks it was them. He said that your place has been completely trashed as though they were looking for something. He doesn't think anything has actually been taken though so its likely it wasn't a burglary.”

 

“Or maybe it was and they just got mad when they realised I have nothing of value worth stealing.” Grantaire tried to keep his tone lighter than he felt.

 

“There's something else...” Enjolras said turning his body so that he could face him properly.

 

“Just tell me. I honestly don't think I have the capacity to be surprised anymore.”

 

Enjolras hesitated. “Joly said he found a stack of your paintings slashed to pieces.”

 

“Oh.” Was all Grantaire could say. Because honestly, how else was he supposed to articulate the piercing pain that had just stabbed him in his very soul. “I guess I do have the capacity...”

 

He didn't know why this news had effected him more than Joly's original phone call. It felt like somebody had ripped out a part of him and burnt it while he watched. He'd taken pictures of his paintings so that he'd have a digital copy but of course they'd all been on his phone, lost forever just like the originals. It wasn't like Grantaire had thought they were particularly good or worth saving or anything, but each one had helped him get through his sobriety and looking at them had reminded him in his darkest times that he'd made it through.

 

He only realised he was crying when Enjolras used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe his tears away. His sharp blue eyes were looking at him with such ferocity that for a horrible moment Grantaire thought he'd done something to upset him. But then Grantaire remembered how passionately Enjolras had told him he'd cared about him the night before and he realised with a shock that Enjolras was mad _for_ him.

 

“I promise you R, I will make them pay.” Enjolras said with such force and heat that Grantaire felt his entire body burning.

 

Grantaire laughed shakily in an attempt to stop crying. “Can I watch?” He asked jokingly. But Enjolras' expression didn't waiver.

 

“Grantaire.” He said with a steady voice. “You'll see them suffer.”

 

 

*

 

The thing about Enjolras was that he used touch the same way he used his voice, it wasn't just a meaningless gesture. It was a weapon and he was the master of it. He could win just as many arguments by not saying a word and laying a hand on your shoulder, fixing you with his steely gaze then he could with verbal debates.

 

The thing about Grantaire was that every time he was in the same vicinity as Enjolras, let alone touched by him, his brain would have to work overtime to catch up with everything else going on inside of him. His entire being would sometimes shut down and operate on a faulty code. On good days it would just mean saying some stupid things before his brain could stop his mouth but on bad days, he felt his mind going around in circles, criticising and veneering every move and word he'd made and said around him.

 

Which is how Grantaire found himself in Enjolras' shower. Absent-mindedly scrubbing harder than was necessary and silently cursing himself for being so Goddamn stupid and vulnerable around him. Enjolras must be thinking so little of him at that moment. He'd been crying over fucking canvasses for God's sakes, and not particularly good ones either. Grantaire knew how little Enjolras thought of art, he'd referred to forms of it such as poetry more than once as a waste of time, so to see somebody so weakened by hearing it had been destroyed must have made him think of Grantaire as weak and stupid.

 

And did he have to make everything such a fucking ordeal for himself? Why couldn't he just have a normal conversation about things that were happening like normal people do? Why did he have to pick fights and get prickly and-

 

And Grantaire realised his skin was glaring an ugly red. He hit his head against the cold tiles, feeling a dull ache in his forehead as he did so. He was supposed to be healing, not hurting himself more. It was one thing to do so consciously but subconsciously? He really was pathetic. Maybe Joly was right and he really did have a death wish. At least if he was dead he wouldn't be able to embarrass himself so woefully.

 

Turning off the shower he stepped out carefully, he changed the gauze over the gash on his chest cringing as he cleaned it then towled himself off in a clumsy hurry and got dressed quickly. He hadn't done a very good job of drying himself, as he found his shirt sticking to his back uncomfortably. He took great care not to look in the mirror as he opened the bathroom door.

 

Enjolras was talking to Joly, who must have arrived while Grantaire was still in the shower, at the front door. Neither of them had heard Grantaire emerge or they surely would have abruptly stopped talking in hushed tones the moment he stepped out. Grantaire took a tentative step closer to try and overhear what they were discussing.

 

“-Bahorel thinks he's making headway with his contact at the station, but it's hard to say at this point. Everybody's still too scared to talk openly when they don't only have their jobs but their lives at risk. Honestly though, we need to move faster. If we drag this out it's only going to get worse.” Joly was saying hurriedly. His voice sounded anxious and fluttery.

 

“I should speak to his contact directly. I can make people talk.” Enjolras replied slowly.

 

“You'll only scare him off. Feuilly reckons he's a flight risk already, he's apparently been talking about leaving Paris for years and if we push too hard-”

 

“-If we don't push at all we'll be in the exact position we're in now. It's time to press harder, he's either got information for us or he doesn't and he can leave the country for all I care once we're done with him.”

 

Joly went quiet. He was either formulating an argument or silently agreeing with Enjolras, but being unable to see what either of their expressions were from his vantage point in the kitchen Grantaire couldn't be sure of which.

 

“I have to go.” Was all that Joly ended up replying with, obviously what needed to be said didn't need to be done with words. “Please don't leave Grantaire by himself for too long.”

 

Grantaire felt his stomach drop and his face flush, he stepped out of the kitchen and into the hallway. “I'm not a fucking child, you know.” He heard himself say before he could stop it from coming out.

 

Joly and Enjolras looked over to where he was standing, surprised to see him. Joly shifted his cane from one hand to the other, he looked as though he didn't know whether he should step further into the apartment or out of it completely.

 

“I know, R.” He said in a hurried and slightly frustrated tone. “Don't make me explain to you why I don't want you to be on your own when I've just found your apartment ransacked and torn to shreds.”

 

Grantaire huffed, folding his arms (as well as he could with a cast) and looking away. He knew Joly's point wasn't unreasonable but he didn't want them fussing. Enjolras already probably thought low of him, to think he needed some kind of _babysitter..._

 

“I have to go.” Joly repeated tapping his index finger on the top of his cane“I'm running really late. Just... Take care, okay?” Without waiting for a reply he hurried off.

 

Grantaire looked over to the door. Enjolras was still standing there looking at him with an oddly surprised expression, as though he still hadn't registered his presence. Grantaire felt instantly self concious. “What?” He asked defensively. He had a feeling Enjolras was going to hit him with a speech about why he shouldn't be left on his own.

 

“Your hair.” Was all Enjolras said.

 

Grantaire instinctively reached up and felt it. He immediately knew what Enjolras was referring to. In his hurry to dry himself off he'd completely ignored his hair and hadn't bothered to run a comb through it.

 

“Oh.” He replied cringing. “Yeah, when it's wet and stuff it kind of gets... Puffy...” He chanced a look back to Enjolras who had the ghost of a grin on his face. Grantaire hurriedly ran his hands through it in a vain attempt to smooth it down. He didn't think he could feel any more like an idiot.

 

“Joly bought some things back with him” Enjolras said with just the slightest hint of amusement in his voice. Grantaire suddenly noticed his guitar case by the door and his drawing tablet cradled in the nook of Enjolras' arm. He was more than glad for the change of subject.

 

“I thought all my stuff was ruined?” He said excitedly stepping towards Enjolras to grab his tablet. He tried hard not to brush against Enjolras as it exchanged hands. He instantly felt relief when he held it and resisted the urge to hug the device against his chest.

 

“Not everything. I didn't know you played guitar.” Enjolras stated.

 

“Yeah I can play, just not very well. I like listening to music more than playing it.”

 

Enjolras was looking at him oddly again and Grantaire crouched down to pick up the case to avoid his gaze.

 

“I don't know why Joly brought this over though. It's not exactly like I can play with this huge thing.” He straightened up gesturing to his cast.

 

Enjolras shrugged and headed towards the living room. “Well isn't all you have to do strum? It seems like you could do that.”

 

“Umm... It's a little bit more complicated then that.” Enjolras did have a point though. Maybe if he worked at it he could find a way to play and not sound like a dying cat even with half a working arm.

 

“I want to ask you something.” Enjolras said looking at Grantaire. “But you can't get defensive when I ask you though, alright?”

 

“Well don't give me a reason to get defensive.” Grantaire muttered.

 

Enjolras ignored him. “I have to go to a work meeting. It's not really something I can get out of or I would, but do you think you'll be alright by yourself for the next couple of hours? It won't be more than that. If you want though I can call somebody to stay with you.”

 

Grantaire had to use all the self control he had to not snap back a response that he actually wanted to say. Instead he did the more mature thing and took a breath, planning what he said before he saying it aloud.

 

“I think I can manage a few hours by myself. And it's not exactly like you can have somebody with me every second of the day. Although if it were up to Joly, he'd probably try... No, that's fine. Go enjoy your meeting.”

 

Enjolras was looking at him carefully, as though trying to tell if Grantaire was putting on some act of bravado. “Okay.” He said finally. “It's not exactly enjoyable though, I'd rather not go.”

 

After making sure Grantaire knew where everything was and that he had access to one of Enjolras' old phones, Enjolras left the apartment, locking the door behind him. It felt strangely quiet with just him and for a moment Grantaire didn't know what to do with himself.

 

Eventually, he decided the best way to pass the time and distract himself would be to test his drawing skills. Setting up his tablet and laptop he positioned himself as close to the balcony as he could and soaked in the view.

 

The moment he touched the pen to the digital pad he felt himself loosen up and breathe easier. It was messy and rough and his hand was not as steady as he needed it to be but it felt right. He felt at home.

 

Taking a step back he looked at the finished product and felt relatively peaceful. He wasn't entirely happy with it, he'd taken some artistic license with the buildings opposite and the colours were less than perfect but he'd created something beautiful. Although the more he looked at it the more faults he could find.

 

One of the chimneys he'd drawn was slanted oddly, none of the artchitecture had accurate perspectives and the more he looked at how roughly he'd shaded the colour the more horrible it looked to him. It was a disaster. What had he been thinking?

 

He was just about to scrap the whole thing and start again when he startled at a noise close behind him and turned to see Enjolras standing there with wide eyes and an open mouth.

 

“That's Incredible.” Enjolras said.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a lot to say about this chapter. But thank you so much for your positive words and Kudos. It just fills me with so much joy. Peace ☮ ✌


	8. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Courfeyrac frowned at him, lowering his voice. “Grantaire, if you think you're going back to your apartment by yourself any time soon then you're in more denial then usual. Seriously do you think Enjolras- Scratch that, do you think any of us would let you leave after everything that's gone on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this chapter is a little bit shorter than the previous ones and I apologise profusely. I meant to write more but I got horribly, terribly ill today with a really bad fever and I won't be able to write again until mid next week and I didn't want to leave it that long for an update. So please accept my apologies. I will make it up to you all with a longer chapter next week.

Grantaire stared at Enjorlas, and then quickly back to the picture on his laptop. He didn't feel as though such a rough attempt at scenery could be described as anything other than mediocre (if that).

 

“How long were you gone for?” He asked changing the subject and brushing Enjolras' compliment aside. He knew he could get lost in his art but he felt like it had been less than an hour since he started. Especially considering the poor quality of his work.

 

“Just over two hours.” Enjolras replied, setting his laptop bag down on the kitchen counter.

 

“Seriously?” Grantaire muttered shutting his laptop screen down, not sparing a thought for if the work was to be lost or not.

 

“Are you hungry? We could go down to the market and grab something.”

 

Grantaire made a face. He didn't exactly feel like leaving the apartment just to have his mangled face receive stares. The swelling had gone down almost completely, but there were still bruises across his face, and now they had discoloured to an ugly blue/green. Even without the bruises Grantaire was never the biggest fan of his facial structure, drawing peoples attention to it just felt cruel to both parties.

 

Enjolras must have noticed his discomfort because he added quickly “Or we could order something in. I don't think I have much here I could make you, unfortunately. You must be so sick of different combinations of bread and cheese by now.”

 

Grantaire grinned back at him. “Au Contraire. There is no combination as perfectly suited to each other as bread and cheese. Like Orpheus and Eurydice before them, they were made for each other. How could one ever tire of two things that blend so well?”

 

“Are you trying to tell me that you'd be happy with a grilled cheese?”

 

“Very much so.”

 

As they ate together Enjolras asked him who Orpheus and Eurydice were and Grantaire gladly told him all about the Greek mythos. Grantaire was just telling him how Orpheus' songs were so sad that they softened the heart of Hades himself and was beginning to feel slightly comfortable in Enjolras' company when the abrupt sound of the door opening suddenly and voices in the hallway made him flinch in a brief panic.

 

He relaxed when he recognised they they belonged to Combeferre and Courfeyrac.

 

“Hello, Enjolras! Hello, Enjolras' roommate!” Courfeyrac greeted them with a huge grin entering the kitchen with Combeferre following slightly behind him.

 

“Do you always let yourselves in without warning or were you just feeling particularly rude today?” Grantaire asked him irritably. His heart rate was still going faster than he'd like it too and was not feeling particularly in the mood to fight off an anxiety attack.

 

“Whoa. Somebody's crabby today. Don't be mad, we come bearing gifts!” Courfeyrac placed the brown paper carry bag he was holding onto the kitchen counter and began to rifle through it.

 

“You'll get used to them just coming in, unannounced like that.” Enjolras said to him, Grantaire pressed his lips together and made a humming noise. Just how long was Enjolras' intending for him to stay here? A week? A month? The fact that his apartment had just been broken into probably didn't bode well for a short stay. That was a conversation for another time however, Courfeyrac was excitedly pulling out a rectangular shaped box wrapped in brown paper with a huge green bow too big for a box that size wrapped around it.

 

Grantaire stood up and walked over to them. “What's this?” He asked curiously.

 

“Open it and find out.” Combeferre said smiling kindly down at him.

 

“Wait? It's for me?” He asked confused as Courfeyrac pushed the package into his hands.

 

“No. It's for Marius. That's why we brought it over here to you and asked you to open it.” Courfeyrac said sarcastically “Of course it's for you!”

 

“But, why?”

 

“Oh, would you just open it?” Enjolras said in a slightly frustrated tone. Grantaire hadn't noticed he'd joined them at the counter. He gave him a curious look before turning his attention to the messily wrapped package. He struggled a bit to get the bow off before tearing the paper open.

 

“No way.” He said breathlessly, staring down at the box. He couldn't believe what he was looking at. He was holding a brand new boxed phone, the same model that he'd had and loved before.

 

“We all pitched in to get you a new one.” Combeferre explained.

 

“Yeah, and we knew if we left it up to you to replace, we'd be waiting for weeks.” Courfeyrac teased rolling his eyes. “I can't wait that long. I have pictures that need to be shared, dammit.”

 

Grantaire didn't know what to say. He was getting choked up and emotional. “You didn't have to do this.” He said quietly.

 

“Yeah, but we wanted to.” Combeferre shrugged, grinning at him.

 

Grantaire pulled them into a strong embrace as Courfeyrac laughed. “Thank you.” Grantaire said gratefully. “All of you.”

 

“Group hug!” Courfeyrac exclaimed, pulling Enjolras by the middle of his shirt over to join them.

 

 

Grantaire spent the next hour on the couch with Courfeyrac, coming up with nicknames and pictures for the Amis to add into his phone before sending out a mass text thanking them for their generosity. While they were distracted, Enjolras and Combeferre used the opportunity to slink into Enjolras' room and talk about more important things.

 

After Courfeyrac had showed him the tenth picture of a kitten in a bow-tie and sunglasses that he'd been saving for Grantaire, he turned to him seriously. “Joly told us that you're place got trashed. That sucks.”

 

“Yeah, well I haven't really had a chance to check it out yet. I have no idea how bad it is. I'm kind of trying not to think about it at the moment.”

  
“Ah! The tried and true ' _deny anything is wrong and everything will turn out fine'_ method. Because that always works out for you.” He elbowed him playfully in the side.

 

Grantaire laughed. “I'm sure I don't know _what_ you're talking about.” He fiddled with his new phone for a minute. “Anyway, I'll be back there for good pretty soon and I'll check it out properly. There's still plenty of opportunities for me to freak out. Don't worry about that.”

 

Courfeyrac frowned at him, lowering his voice. “Grantaire, if you think you're going back to your apartment by yourself any time soon then you're in more denial then usual. Seriously do you think Enjolras- Scratch that, do you think any of us would let you leave after everything that's gone on.”

 

“Come on, Courf. You seriously don't expect me to stay here forever do you? I only agreed to stay here so that my mum wouldn't drag me back with her! And I only have to keep that up for a few more days before she'll stop asking if I'm still here, so...” Grantaire looked at Courfeyrac expectantly, but seeing the sceptical look on his face he began to panic. “Wait, how long do you guys expect me to stay here?”

 

Courfeyrac shrugged. “Well honestly it was never really _officially_ discussed. But the general understanding we all had was that you'd stay here until the guys who did this were caught.”

 

Grantaire let his mouth hang open in shock. “You cannot be serious, Courfeyrac! That could take months! It could never happen!”

 

Courfeyrac raised his hands up defensively. “Whoa, whoa! Like I said it was never _officially_ discussed-”

 

“-Yeah! And it wasn't discussed with me at all!” Grantaire ran a hand through his hair absent-mindedly. He had half the mind to run out the door right there and then. “Courf...” He said in a desperate undertone. “I thought I'd only be staying a week tops... I can't stay here forever. It will literally kill me.”

 

“Ok, let's just calm down with the 'literally's' or I'm going to have to hand my royally appointed drama queen title over to you. Besides, we have a couple of leads that may mean we can catch them in the near future.” Courfeyrac gave him a reassuring smile. “Anyway, with the information that Enjolras got out of Moreau today we won't have to worry about the case being silenced by the higher ups for much longer.”

 

Grantaire was hit with a sudden and horrible realisation. “Enjolras went to see the man that Joly was talking about.” He said quietly.

 

“Well... Yeah.” Courfeyrac, said frowning confusedly at him. “I thought... I thought he told you that?”

 

It took everything that was inside of Grantaire not to get up and leave, or hit something, or scream out loud but somehow he composed himself. He looked over to where Courfeyrac was now staring wide eyed at him and mentally pushed away his anger, trying to smile genuinely. “It doesn't matter.” He said in a slightly higher pitched voice then normal. “Honestly, I should be used to not knowing these things by now.”

 

“Grantaire-”

 

“No. Seriously. It's fine. I'm sure he had a good reason to lie. He probably just thought I'd have _another_ mental breakdown or that I'd lash out at him again or something. It's _fine_. I get it. Obviously I don't have the capability to handle this kind of information at the same time as everybody else. I mean it's not like it affects me or anything so why should I know?” He asked slightly manically, standing up.

 

Courfeyrac looked at him concernedly. “I thought you knew. You should know this stuff. Obviously there's just... A slight communication error between you guys right now.” Grantaire gave a bitter laugh but Courfeyrac continued on as if he didn't hear it. “The most important thing is that we're making progress! If things keep going this way you won't have to stay here for much longer.”

 

Grantaire didn't know whether he wanted to pace the room, run out of the apartment or walk straight over to Enjolras and scream at him, so instead he decided to sit back down on the couch with such force that the cushion next to him bounced upwards.

 

He picked up his phone and rapidly started typing something into the search engine, thoroughly aware of Courfeyrac looking over at him worriedly.

 

“There.” He said shoving the phone in his face. Courfeyrac looked at him tentatively before looking down at the screen, his eyes going wide.

 

“Oh. My. God.” Courfeyrac squealed. “A ragdoll kitten wearing bunny ears?! How can something this cute even exist?”

 

And just like that, they were back on lighter topics. But Grantaire wasn't completely distracted. The storm of emotions brewing underneath his jokes and laughter was threatening to burst.

 

*

 

By the time Courfeyrac and Combeferre decided to leave the sun was beginning to set outside. Courfeyrac gave Grantaire a long hug at the door and one of his trademark broad smiles before making his way out to the hall.

 

Enjolras and Combeferre were still discussing something in a hushed tone at the door so Grantaire made his way back to the couch, trying hard to keep his temper. He knew it was going to hard not to let his emotions get the better of him but on another level he also knew that if everybody truly expected him to stay here longer he couldn't just blow up at Enjolras every time they had misunderstanding or a disagreement. They'd both end up equally miserable and Grantaire would probably end up doing something very stupid like storming out and that would only worry his friends even more.

 

He'd done enough of that for a lifetime and the guilt of it was already ebbing away at him.

 

While he waited he began to think of ways to start the conversation.

 

_So how was your meeting? No... That's too passive aggressive. I can't get mad at Enjolras for being dishonest and then pretend as though I don't know exactly where he went. So maybe something like Don't think I don't know exactly where you've been? God no. That sounds like I'm some jealous housewife accusing her husband of going to a strip club or something. Is stop lying to me too confrontational? God why is it so hard to just talk to him like a normal person?_

 

He was lost. He didn't know where to begin, and now the door was closing and Enjolras was making his way back into the room.

 

He took a deep breathe as Enjolras entered.

 

“Look.” He started. “I know you probably have some logical explanation as to why you think you can't tell me things to do with the ABC or that you can't tell me the truth about where you actually went today... And I'm the first to admit I haven't really been reacting to things in the healthiest way lately. Or ever for that matter. Anyway. The point I'm trying to get at is please stop keeping things from me because it honestly sucks getting all of my information second hand and I think it's actually making me react to things worse knowing that you're deliberately keeping these things from me. So... Maybe, stop? Please?”

 

The last part came out as a sort of beg, and Grantaire cringed at how horribly he had rambled on. He looked up to where Enjolras was standing to see him looking slightly surprised. He braced himself for an argument but instead Enjolras made his way over to him and sat next to him on the couch.

 

They were both oddly silent as Grantaire anxiously waited for Enjolras response. Enjolras had clasped his hands together and had slightly bowed his head so that his curls fell loosely in front of his face.

 

“Okay.” He said calmly. “I realise I shouldn't have lied to you about where I was going today...”

 

Grantaire nodded silently, gesturing for him to continue.

 

Enjolras looked as though he was considering his words carefully before speaking them aloud. “I'm not deliberately withholding things from you because I think you're incapable of handling the subject matter. Obviously you are, you're capable of things that most others aren't. But, my reasons for not relaying information to you have been admittedly selfish.”

 

“What do you mean?” Grantaire asked frowning. His anger was slowly dissipating, and he wasn't completely sure but he thought he'd heard a compliment from Enjolras.

 

Enjolras looked at Grantaire, contemplating his reply. “I didn't tell you about the death threats we were receiving because I knew you wouldn't be able to just leave it at that. You'd want to know what our next move was. I didn't want to have that conversation with you at the time. Not because I thought I could manipulate your opinion but because I knew that would be something I'd be accused of. It was completely self-serving, it had nothing to do with me thinking you couldn't handle it.”

 

He brushed the hair that had fallen into his face aside. “I also didn't feel as though I could discuss what was happening between myself and Joly with you at the time because you two are obviously closer than you and I. I knew there was a possibility anything I said on the matter could get back to him and exacerbate the issue further if it was misconstrued.”

 

Grantaire snorted and rolled his eyes. “Enjolras, I wasn't going going to _gossip_ about you with Joly just because you two were arguing. I mean, he's my best friend but that doesn't mean I'm going to hate you without a second thought just because he does.”

 

“I wasn't exactly thinking clearly at the time.” Enjolras sighed tucking a stray strand behind his ear. The sun was gone by now and the room was only illuminated by a small lamp on an end table.

 

“So what about today? Why didn't you just tell me the truth?” He asked, he wasn't feeling angry anymore.

 

“I was determined to go. I knew you would probably try to stop me if you knew what I was doing.”

 

Grantaire felt his anxiety building. He looked closely at Enjolras' face looking for a sign to tell him what he already knew. His gaze moved down to Enjolras' hands and he found it. His knuckles were an angry red and beginning to bruise. He wondered how he hadn't noticed it until now.

 

“How badly did you beat him up?” Grantaire asked feeling his stomach drop.

 

Enjolras sighed running a hand through his hair. “Thankfully, not too much. It didn't take much to get him to talk.”

 

“And the others? They're totally okay with this?” Grantaire asked in disbelief.

 

“They aren't aware of the method I used. All they know is that I got the information eventually. In the end that's all that matters.”

 

“Enjolras, if this gets out-”

 

“-It won't.”

 

“But it would be the end of the ABC. You could get _arrested._ He's a cop right? How do you know he's not already sending a bunch of squad cars here right now?”

 

“He _was_ a cop, a dirty one too that was looking to get out of the game. Trust me, all he wanted was to get out of Paris, and with everything I gave him-”

 

“You gave him _money_!?”

 

“No.” Enjolras said shaking his head. “I gave him a way out.”

 

Grantaire stared at him incredulously. “Do I even want to know what that means?”

 

Enjolras looked him straight in the eyes. “No.” He replied.

 

Grantaire sat there dumbstruck. He knew Enjolras was capable of being dangerous when he wanted to be, but he'd never actually heard it from the man himself. There was a strange feeling growing inside him now that the shock of what Enjolras had told him was finally settling in. He realised with a start that it was adulation. He shouldn't be excited about the prospect of Enjolras doing what he needed to do to get what he wanted. He shouldn't be _attracted_ to it. But he was.

 

Enjolras was still looking at him intensely as though waiting for him to speak. Even with such a hard expression, in the dim light of the room he looked oddly soft. Grantaire cleared his throat. “Okay. Next time you go out to... Do what you have to do. Just tell me. If you're really set on doing something so much we both know nothing I say would stop you from doing it anyway.”

 

Enjolras looked surprised at his answer for a moment before breaking into a soft smile. Grantaire felt his heart skip a beat. He definitely needed to get out of here as soon as possible, and if Enjolras had to beat up a hundred dirty cops to speed up the process then so be it.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't encourage him, Grantaire. :/
> 
> (Again sorry about the length. My body hates me right now and apparently wants me to suffer.)


	9. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " “My secret?” He asked in a slightly guarded voice. 
> 
> Grantaire's mind began to wander. Enjolras had looked concerned when Grantaire mentioned a secret. Although, he supposed rationally, it probably wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Everybody had secrets.
> 
> He definitely had things that he never wanted Enjolras to know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand this is the chapter you're all going to kinkshame me for. Well- Maybe also in chapters to come... 
> 
> Anyway. As promised this chapter is a lot longer than normal to make up for the super short chapter last week. 
> 
> Also, thank you all so much for your wonderful comments and love sent my way for this fic. It honestly inspires me so much.

_Enjolras slowly lifted his brilliantly blue eyes up at him. His lips were smiling dangerously as he cupped Grantaire's face in his soft hands. His face was so close to his own that Grantaire could see the fire behind his eyes._

 

“ _This is for you.” Enjolras purred at him, sounding unbelievably calm considering he looked so wild. His hands parted from his face hesitantly as he turned away from Grantaire. Enjolras was now facing the men surrounding them, their faces wrapped in shadows, poised, ready to hurt them._

 

_Grantaire could do nothing except for watch, captivated, as Enjolras took them out with surprising grace and speed. One by one they all fell to their knees, collapsing under Enjolras' power. Finally, Enjolras stood victorious amongst a pile of fallen enemies. He turned to face Grantaire again and with bloodied fists and wrapped him in a warm embrace. Their mouths entwined in a kiss that exploded like fireworks as Grantaire felt his hot tongue melt against the chasm of Enjolras inviting mouth._

 

_Enjolras had done this for him._

 

Grantaire awoke grapsing at the sheets beneath him, an almost silent moan escaping his mouth as he shuddered under his climax.

 

“Shit.” He gasped out, taking a moment to steady his breath.

 

A wave of shame and guilt washed over him. He had had embarrassing dreams of Enjolras before, but none like this.

 

“Fuck. Shit. Damnit.” He cursed at himself hiding his face under his arm as the realisation of what just occurred hit him like a punch to the gut.

 

How the hell was he supposed to look Enjolras in the eye after thinking about him in such a degrading way. It felt like a betrayal. Enjolras would surely see right through him, the pitiful shame and lust hiding inside of him would be obvious on Grantaire's face and if he knew the thoughts that plagued Grantaire he'd recoil in horror and tell him to leave.

 

Leave.

 

That was a plan.

 

He should leave.

 

He needed to get out of there.

 

The sooner the better.

 

He should leave now.

 

Grantaire looked down at the mess he'd created and thanked whatever silent entity that was out there that none of it had gotten on Enjolras' sheets or duvet. He cringed thinking of what he'd have to say to try and explain that. _Oh hey. Thanks for letting me crash at your place for the last couple of days and for being really fucking nice to me. By the way you should probably wash your sheets considering I'm secretly in love with you and the thought of you beating somebody up for me turns me on and apparently makes me lose all control. I'll see myself out._

 

Grantaire hissed out another curse, grabbing the box of tissues Enjolras kept on his study desk and cleaning himself up with a shaking hand. He pushed past the dark into Enjolras' bathroom and flushed away the evidence. Washing his hands thoroughly he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror; something he'd been deliberately trying to avoid.

 

He fought the urge to punch the desperate, ugly reflection staring back at him in the face as he tore his eyes away.

 

He really was pathetic.

 

Back in the guest room Grantaire began to haphazardly pack up his bag in a desperate rush. Throwing the clothes he'd scattered around the room into it and shoving them down. The scar forming on his chest was stinging painfully, he grabbed the packet of painkillers and tossed a few down.

 

His phone read that it was close to 4:00 in the morning and if he left soon he would be home well before the sun rose.

 

Enjolras would probably worry if he woke up to see him gone. He'd leave a note, or send a text, or _something_. But right now he needed to get out of here. For both of their sakes.

 

He pulled his night-bag over his shoulder and had to stifle a groan as a wave of pain shot through him. He was straining himself when he should be resting, but really, what else was new? He could always take more painkillers while he walked... Fuck. He didn't even know how far away his apartment was in regards to Enjolras'. His head was already spinning from the pain in his side and shoulder and he hadn't even taken a step out of the room yet.

 

Grantaire sat on the bed in defeat, dumping the bag on the floor below him. Maybe running away in the middle of the night wasn't the smartest idea. He brought his hand up the his face and rested his forehead against it, sighing heavily.

 

It took a while for him to regulate his breathing enough to finally lay back down on the bed. He was beginning to feel the pain in his body diminish as the painkillers took effect. He berated himself silently in his mind until he was simply to tired to think of anything anymore, and drifted off once more into an uncomfortable sleep.

 

He dreamt of Enjolras again, but this time there were no soft touches or soft words. He looked at Grantaire with revulsion and disapproval.

 

“ _You're disgusting. How could anybody love somebody like you?”_ Dream Enjolras spat.

 

*

 

Enjolras' ceiling was suddenly a very interesting subject to gaze upon. Grantaire had been awake for a good ten minutes, but he hadn't moved a muscle. There was light spilling into the room now and outside he could hear Enjolras moving plates and cutlery around in the kitchen.

 

To say that Grantaire was dreading facing him was an understatement.

 

Using all of the energy he had, he forced himself into a sitting position, hesitantly pulling his legs over the side of the bed. He rubbed his face as best he could and attempted to smooth his hair down. _It's useless_. He thought to himself. _He's going to see right through you, you know. You're fucked._

 

He was just going to have to make it less unpleasant for both of them, and tell Enjolras that he was going to leave today. There was no way Enjolras would fight him on it if he knew what he'd done in his bed in the early hours of the morning. Grantaire had half convinced himself that Enjolras already knew, he had no idea what kind of noises he'd been making whilst he was asleep but if Enjolras had heard any of it...

 

Grantaire sighed, resisting the urge to slam his head into the desk. He looked towards his phone and saw that it was late morning.

 

He dressed silently before making his over to the door. Letting his hand linger on the handle. He took a deep breathe, mentally preparing himself for an awkward discussion as he steeled his face opening the door.

 

Walking the few steps into the kitchen felt like a death march. Each one getting heavier then the last. Grantaire was keeping his head down, trying to delay the eventual moment Enjolras would see the humiliation in his eyes.

 

“Good Morning!” A very happy voice greeted him.

 

Grantaire snapped his eyes up in confusion, forgetting for a moment to feel embarrassed.

 

Standing in front of him in a very vintage looking Hawaiian short sleeve button up and clashing chequered shorts was Jehan, holding a rather large pastry.

 

“Oh!” Grantaire said, forcing a smile out to his friend. “Morning. What are you doing here? Wait a minute.” Grantaire frowned at him. “Does everyone just walk in here unannounced?”

 

Jehan laughed offering him a pastry from a plate on the counter, Grantaire took one of the smaller ones. “No, I'm afraid that's a right reserved for the dynamic duo. It's my day off and Enjolras was lovely enough to invite me over.”

 

Grantaire looked around the kitchen confused. “Where is he, anyway?”

 

“He was called in for an emergency work meeting.”

 

Grantaire frowned at Jehan sceptically. “This wouldn't happen to be like the “Work Meeting” he said he was going to yesterday would it?”

 

Jehans eyes widened. “That's right! You don't know yet.” Grantaire's frown deepened and Jehan shook his head. “No, this one is real. Here.”

 

Jehan grabbed a newspaper that was lying by their satchel on the opposite end of the counter and folded it out. Pointing to the headline on the front page.

 

**PARIS' “FINEST”: SCANDAL AFTER 3 HIGHLY DECORATED OFFICERS ARRESTED UNDER SUSPICION OF CORRUPTION, DESTRUCTION OF EVIDENCE, MONEY LAUNDERING AND MORE. DETAILS PAGE 3.**

 

Grantaire let out a low whistle.

 

“Is this all based off of the information Enjolras got yesterday?”

 

Jehan shrugged. “By the looks of it. I don't know the details so I couldn't say for sure, but it definitely looks like whatever Enjolras said to the guy worked a charm. This is much more than we ever expected we could get from him.” Jehan said in admiration. “It's sort of beautifully ironic. Enjolras despises poetry and yet he has such a way with words that he could convince even the most logical of men that the earth was flat if he really wanted to.”

 

Grantaire took the opportunity to take a bite of his pastry so he wouldn't have to reply. It wasn't his place to tell Jehan the real reason the man had been so willing to spill his secrets.

 

“Anyway I guess fate has intervened and it's your company that I was destined to have.” Jehan said with a grin. “Feeling particularly creative today?” They added with a wink.

 

Grantaire grinned back at them, knowing exactly what Jehan was alluding to, “Fuck yeah!” He said enthusiastically throwing his half-eaten pastry back onto the plate and dusting off his fingers on his jeans.

 

“I don't have much here, though.” Grantaire admitted in a slight apologetic tone. “Just my guitar and my laptop.”

 

“Hmm...” Jehan hummed rifling through their bag and pulling out an expensive looking leather-bound notebook. “Okay then. Why don't we mix it up a bit. This time you provide the music and I'll provide the art!”

 

“I thought you didn't like drawing.” Grantaire said opening his guitar case.

 

Jehan shook their head. “Oh, Grantaire, for a creative type you can be so one minded at times. Poetry _is_ an art form.”

 

“Yeah.” Grantaire smirked back at them “An _inferior_ art form.”

 

Jehan rolled their eyes at him, sitting on the couch and pulling their feet up and motioning for Grantaire to begin.

 

It was something they'd done many times before. It had started when Grantaire had been experiencing a particularly terrible art block and had texted Jehan in a bout of frustration begging for tips to get past it. Jehan had merely replied with ' _I'll be over in 10_ ' and the rest was history. Whenever one was in a rut the other would attempt to act as a muse, a transaction of creative trade. More often than not, Jehan would play their flute or compose a sonnet while Grantaire painted. It had helped Grantaire get through the worst of his self doubts about his art and Jehan said it helped them be more experimental with words and music.

 

Grantaire had the feeling Jehan would only say those things so that he wouldn't feel guilty asking for help.

 

“I haven't tried playing with my cast yet.” Grantaire explained, slinging his guitar strap around his neck and sitting on Enjolras' coffee table opposite Jehan. “This may be incredibly messy.”

 

Jehans eyes glistened in excitement. “The best kind of art is messy, R. Besides, if you play the wrong notes you're still playing jazz correctly.”

 

Grantaire laughed and began to play. It took a while for him to play without knocking his cast against the body of his guitar but once he got the hang of it he found that the way the cast bended his arm into an L shape worked quite well for strumming.

 

They kept like this for hours, occasionally changing positions (another thing that was common between them was that neither could sit still for too long) until Grantaire finally ran out of things to improvise and just started to play the songs he knew.

 

“Hey!” Jehan interrupted as they recognised the tune that Grantaire began to play. “If you're going to go on-book then I may as well read mine.” They made their way over to their satchel and pulled out a copy of _The Taming of the Shrew_ and rejoined their place on the carpet, laying on their stomach.

 

“Sorry.” Grantaire said. “I guess I've run out of creative juices for the day.”

 

“It's okay. We'll take a break. My hand was getting a cramp anyway.” Jehan said putting their bookmark to the side.

 

Grantaire laid down on his back on the couch, balancing his guitar on his stomach and shifting his head against the arm rest. He began to strum the chords of a song he'd just recently learned to play, and began to sing quietly.

 

“ _You lined me up_ __  
_Across the room_ __  
_Two falling sparks_ __  
_One willing fool_ __  
_And I, I always knew_ __  
_That I would love you from afar_ __  
_You told me 'boy look the other way'_ __  
_You told me 'boy hide those hands'_ __  
_But I've been living on the crumbs of your love_ __  
_And I'm starving now_ __  
_And that is just the way that we remain_ _  
__Ah that will be the way that we remain_ ”

 

 

“That's kind of sad.” Enjolras said.

 

Grantaire twisted his head around to see Enjolras standing in the doorway. Grantaire averted his eyes almost immediately, the feeling of shame that he'd temporarily pushed aside returning to him at full volume.

 

“Hey Enjolras.” Jehan said, marking their place and standing up to greet their friend.

 

“Whose it about?” Enjojlras asked.

 

“What?”

 

“Your song.”

 

“Oh. It's not my song. It's just one I know how to play.” Grantaire said strumming a few random chords out and avoiding Enjolras' gaze.

 

“Ah.” Enjolras nodded. “I thought you might have written it.”

 

“Nah my songs are worse than that slam poetry night Jehan took us too.”

 

“Hey!” Jehan protested. Throwing their pencil at Grantaire, who laughed and batted it away.

 

“So how was your meeting?” Jehan asked Enjolras.

 

“It wasn't so much a meeting as it was an interrogation.” Enjolras said sighing and putting his laptop bag down. “My boss was absolutely livid that we didn't get the exclusive. He knows that The ABC has been looking at these guys and was accusing me of selling out to another paper. Luckily I'm confident there's no way they can link it back to us so-”

 

“Wait a minute.” Grantaire said sitting up and putting his guitar to the side. “You're not taking credit for the leak?”

 

“But you did all of the hard work!” Jehan said indignantly, and Grantaire was relieved to discover he wasn't the only one out of the loop this time.

 

“It doesn't matter who leaked the information. What matters is that it's finally out there now and justice can begin it's due process.” He said sternly. “Besides we don't want this coming back to the ABC.” He looked straight at Grantaire giving him a knowing look before turning his attention back to Jehan. “I'll be explaining everything tonight at 6:00, if you're free. I'm calling an emergency group meeting. Original members only.”

 

“I'll have to move some things around, but I'll be there.” Jehan said putting their things away and looking at their phone. “Actually I should leave now if I want to get anything done today. Thanks for the jam session, R.”

 

“Later, dude.” Grantaire said giving them a wave.

 

“And Enjolras.” Jehan said shooting him a meaningful smile. “Remember what I told you this morning.”

 

Grantaire looked towards Enjolras' curiously as Jehan left. Enjolras seemed to be pointedly looking away from him as he dumped the leftover pastries in the bin and began to rinse off the plate. Grantaire had a rush of panic go through him as he thought the worst, wondering if Enjolras somehow knew about what had happened this morning. Grantaire swallowed and began to pack away his guitar. _Just tell him you're leaving now._ He thought with a stab of melancholy.

 

“I wanted to say thank you, by the way.” Enjolras said making his way into the living room.

 

“What for?” Grantaire asked, surprised. He looked over to where Enjolras was standing on the other side of the coffee table. He was holding a slightly chipped ceramic mug that was painted to look like a small, blue elephant. The handle was even curved at the bottom to resemble a trunk. Grantaire crushed down the sensation that suddenly took hold of him, making him want to grab Enjolras by the back of the head and kiss him hard. He needed to leave. _Now._

 

“For being so understanding yesterday. When I told you about everything.” Enjolras explained giving Grantaire a small smile. “I honestly didn't know how you would react. It means a lot to me that you weren't repelled by what I did. I have to admit that when I told you I was half expecting you to cuss me out and leave.” Enjolras gave a nervous laugh, looking down into his mug. “I'm glad you didn't.”

 

Enjolras looked so content that Grantaire knew in his heart there was no way he could leave now. He couldn't be the one to make his smile falter. Not again. Grantaire mentally kicked himself. “I'm glad you did what you did.” Grantaire said shrugging and cringed internally. _And if you knew just how true that was, I think you'd find you'd be wanting me to leave._ He wanted to add, but kept his mouth shut.

 

“So, you're not scared of me, then?” Enjolras joked.

 

“Of course I'm not scared of you.” Grantaire said grinning back at him. “Besides, you can't touch me, I know your secret and if you try anything so will everybody else”

 

Enjolras' smile twitched a little and Grantaire thought he saw something flicker behind his eyes. “My secret?” He asked in a slightly guarded voice.

 

“Yeah. The fact that you're actually a huge softie who drinks from an elephant.” Grantaire said pointing at his mug.

 

Enjolras looked down and his face broke into a relieved smile. Suddenly he was laughing with such warmth that the room was filled with sunlight. His happiness was infectious, Grantaire began to laugh as well. Though his mind began to wander. Enjolras had looked concerned when Grantaire mentioned a secret. Although, he supposed rationally, it probably wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Everybody had secrets.

 

He definitely had things that he never wanted Enjolras to know...

 

“So... Are you going to tell everybody tonight?” Grantaire asked changing the subject.

 

Enjolras sighed rubbing the back of his hair absent-mindedly. “No. I think it's better if they don't know. That way if it does ever get back to me they can always plead ignorance and have it be somewhat believable. I wouldn't want to see Marius attempting to commit perjury believably.” He added cringing at the thought.

 

“So what are we going to talk about?” Grantaire asked.

 

“You'll just have to wait and see.” Enjolras teased.

 

“Oh come on!”

 

“It's really not that exciting. I just want to go over a few things so that we're all on the same page in terms of keeping the real source of the leak between the group and not spreading it around.”

 

“You're right. That's not exciting at all. You've definitely taken way too much liberty throwing the word ' _emergency_ ' in there too.”

 

Enjolras merely shrugged. “Times a factor. Besides, if I call it an emergency nobody will blow it off to lose a street dance contest with a bunch of American tourists.”

 

“Wow. You're never going to let me live that down are you?”

 

“Never.” Enjolras grinned.

 

*

 

When it came time to leave for the meeting Grantaire donned the warmest clothes his mother had managed to pack for: A tee-shirt, jeans and a hoodie. Enjolras took one look at him in the hallway and shook his head.

 

“You're going to freeze to death.” He said annoyed.

 

“I think I'll survive.” Grantaire said tucking his hand into his pocket. “Besides I didn't exactly bring my entire closet with me.”

 

“You know you can ask to borrow something right? I'm not going to bite your head off.”

 

Grantaire scrunched his face up. “Seriously. I'm fine. Let's just go we'll be late.” Grantaire pushed the thought of wearing Enjolras' clothes out of his mind as quickly as they came in. To have to wear the same fabric that touched Enjolras' skin, that _smelled_ like him; that would be torture.

 

Enjolras gave him a frustrated look and brushed past him, making his way into his bedroom.

 

“Enjolras!” Grantaire called out to him, equally annoyed. “Seriously, can we just go?”

 

Enjolras didn't answer him. Grantaire sighed and followed him to bedroom. Standing awkwardly in the doorway he watched as Enjolras pulled out a warm looking coat, quite similar to the one he himself was wearing, but black in colour.

 

“Seriously.” He repeated. “We're running late.”

 

“You've never cared about being late to a meeting before.” Enjolras said throwing the coat to him, making Grantaire do an awkward one handed catch with his good arm. “If you're not careful, people will think I'm having a positive influence on you.”

 

Grantaire snorted. Looking down at the coat he knew now that Enjolras had pulled it out he couldn't exactly say no to wearing it, unless he found a loophole.

 

“I can't wear this anyway. The sleeves are too tight for my cast.” He said holding the coat out for Enjolras to take back.

 

Enjolras took it, but instead of hanging it up, he held it out in front of him with his right hand.

 

“Stay still.”

 

Enjolras moved the coat behind Grantaires back, he brought his left hand behind Grantaire as well, slightly brushing his neck as he did so, moving the coat to his shoulders. Grantaire kept very still. Not out of obedience but because he didn't think he could move if his life depended on it. Enjolras brushed both shoulders of the coat down so that the sleeves hung loose on the sides.

 

“There.” He said satisfied, “Now we can leave.”

 

“Thanks.” Grantaire muttered as Enjolras moved past him towards the door.

 

 

 

The walk to the meeting was going fine. Grantaire didn't mind being outside so much now that it was dark. He did occasionally have the odd person throw him a side-glance in well lit areas, but he barely noticed them.

 

“I don't even know where we're going.” Grantaire said after about ten minutes of walking. “Are we just holding it at the regular place?”

 

“No, I couldn't book it on such a short notice. Besides, it's a bit large for just us. I thought the old back room in Musaine would be large enough and it...”

 

Enjolras trailed off, Grantaire had stopped in his tracks at the mention of the Musaine. “Are you alright?” Enjolras asked concerned.

 

Grantaire shook his head, shaking the mess of thoughts that had just raced through his mind away. “I'm fine.” He said picking up his pace, Enjolras walked beside him, eyeing him sceptically.

 

Grantaire pretended he didn't notice. He focused on putting on foot in front of the other and not on the memory of hands grabbing him and pulling him into an alley, or the lingering of a strange chemical smell on cloth that he could sometimes still taste on his tongue in the middle of the night.

 

They walked in silence, as they drew closer Grantaire felt his heart pounding quicker, he was skittish as well, flinching at any unexpected sound and finding himself looking over his shoulder every few minutes.

 

They were about at the end of the street where the Musaine was. As much as Grantaire had tried to prepare himself, seeing the familiar building and the dark path opposite it sent Grantaire into a spiral. He had to stop walking. He couldn't breathe. Enjolras clasped his arm and turned him around to face him.

 

“Grantaire. Tell me what's wrong.” His voice seemed so far away. Grantaire couldn't even see him clearly. His chest was too tight and all he could do was stare at the ground below him, hoping that the vertigo sensation and nausea would go away.

 

“Grantaire. Please” Enjolras' desperate tone brought him halfway back to reality. But reality wasn't what Grantaire wanted. Reality was cruel. Suddenly everything came crashing down.

 

He swallowed, closing his eyes and taking a shaky breathe. He couldn't speak, his throat was sealed shut. Enjolras placed his other hand on Grantaire's forehead, feeling for a fever, and his touch was so soothing that Grantaire couldn't help but fall into it, hard. Enjolras, made a startled noise as Grantaire collided into his shoulder. Enjolras grabbed Grantaire by the shoulders so he wouldn't collapse onto the floor.

 

“Hey.” He heard Enjolras call out as though in a vacuum. “Help!”

 

Grantaire didn't hear the footsteps approach him, but he heard the voices when they reached him. A hand tried to pull him away from Enjolras but Grantaire panicked, lashing out at it and clutching desperately at the shirt he was holding onto as though it was a life support ring.

 

He was in the truck again. They were going to kill him. He was helpless.

 

“R. It's okay. It's me. It's Joly.”

 

“Nooo... Joly. Don't. Let. Them. Hurt Me..” Grantaire cried out through desperate chokes. Still clutching to the shirt around him.

 

“What's happening?” Enjolras asked sounding panicked. The tone of his voice only making things worse. If Enjolras was worried it meant something was going horribly wrong.

 

“I think he's having a panic attack.” Joly said in a strangely calm tone. “Hey. Listen to me, R. Everythings alright. You're with your friends. Nobody here is going to hurt you alright?”

 

Grantaire didn't say anything. But he nodded against the chest he was leaning on.

 

“Okay, good. Now I want you to try and slow your breathing, you're going to make yourself sick if you don't. Think you can do that for me?” There was a hand on his back rubbing slowly, up and down. The regularity of the movement was soothing. He was beginning to feel less detached, but he couldn't breathe. He couldn't. He shook his head.

 

“Yes, you can. I know you can. Listen, you're doing it already. Follow my breathing alright? In...” He heard Joly inhale deeply. “...And Out.” He exhaled. Grantaire tried to mirror him. His breathe shaking and lungs burning with every gasp.

 

“You're doing great. Now slower.”

 

Grantaire could feel the rush in his lungs as he eventually began to breathe normally again. He kept his head against the warm fabric, trying his hardest to focus on not feeling as detached.

 

“I think we should be able to move him inside now.” He heard Bossuet whisper.

 

Grantaire felt himself being guided, somehow his feet were moving one in front of the other but he wasn't doing it consciously. There was an arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders leading him forward. He didn't remember coming inside the Musaine, but somehow his surroundings became clear to him. He was on a couch in the back-room, he was holding a glass of water, somebody had wrapped what felt like a blanket around his shoulders, and his friends were all around him, looking very concerned.

 

“Hey.” Joly shot him a relieved smile, talking in a hushed tone. “Welcome back.”

 

“Hey.” Grantaire said in a small voice.

 

“You had a panic attack, R. You're in the cafe now. Your friends are here.” Joly moved Grantaires hand to touch the couch. Grounding him.

 

“Tell me where you are.” Joly asked in a calm voice.

 

“The Musaine. With my friends.”

 

“Good.” Joly said smiling at him. “I think you're getting there. Now we want to remove anything that makes you uncomfortable alright. So, if you know what triggered you please tell me.”

 

“The street.” Grantaire said shutting his eyes.

 

“I'm sorry, 'Taire, If I could remove the street for you I would but I can't. Can you be more specific?”

 

Grantaire raised a shaking finger pointing to the opposite of the room. “The alleyway. That's where it happened. That's where they-”

 

“-It's okay, Grantaire. Don't say any more. Have a drink of water, for me, okay?”

 

Grantaire drank obediently, silently wishing for something stronger. Joly squeezed Grantaire's hand before grabbing the empty glass and departing to get more. Grantaire looked around the room, his friends were a small distance away, looking over to him every now and then. Joly must have ushered them away.

 

“Grantaire.” Enjolras was kneeling beside the couch.

 

“Hey.” Grantaire smiled faintly. “Sorry I used you as a pillow.”

 

Enjolras just shook his head. “You should have told me. I would have cancelled.”

 

Grantaire let out a weak laugh. “You can't cancel an emergency meeting.”

 

“I can cancel a fake emergency for a real one.”

 

“Shh..” Grantaire whispered placing a finger clumsily to his lips. “Nobody's supposed to know it's a fake emergency.”

 

Enjolras smiled up at him. “They won't.” He said, looking thoroughly relieved that Grantaire was sounding relatively normal again. “It will be our secret, okay?”

 

Grantaire smiled back at him. “'Kay. I'm sorry I freaked out on you.”

 

“Stop apologising.”

 

“But-”

 

“Don't.”

 

Grantaire fell silent. A moment later Joly returned, holding another glass of water out to him. He gave Enjolras a look, that Grantaire figured meant to leave because Enjolras got to his feet and joined Combeferre at the other end of the room.

 

“Feeling better?”

 

“I feel thoroughly embarrassed if that's what you mean.”

 

“You sound better. And you shouldn't feel embarrassed. God knows how many attacks I've had in front of you guys. Do you want anything to eat.”

 

“No. I just want to go home. Can we hurry up and get this over with?”

 

Joly looked at him surprised. “You're not seriously suggesting staying here? I'll take you home. Or back to Enjolras'... Not like there's a difference anymore...”

 

“No. After the meeting.” Grantaire said.

 

Joly sighed. “If that's what you really want.”

 

It took a while for everybody to settle down enough for the meeting to actually start. Bossuet and Joly had asked him if he was sure he wanted to stay about ten more times. Finally, Enjolras addressed the room, motioning for everybody to sit down.

 

It was strange seeing everybody slide back into their places at their regular tables and chairs as though they'd never left the Musaine. It was like travelling back to some strange timeline where everything remained the way it was before the rally.

 

Grantaire watched Enjolras as he addressed his friends with confidence and passion and felt a slight pang hit his chest when he realised that this was the place he was always destined to come back to.

 

Enjolras was incredible and so many things that Grantaire could never be and never have. Grantaire was destined to remain pathetic and stay in the shadows of mediocrity.

 

But as long as Grantaire could stay here, could watch Enjolras be incredible, he was oddly okay with that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY WHOA. So. First off.
> 
> The song Grantaire is singing is called "From Afar" By Vance Joy. His work is always so bittersweet I often listen to it while I write this fic. If you're interested you can watch the music video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYUcqmpHJbk 
> 
> I really recommend his stuff (and not just because he looks slightly like how I imagine Grantaire looks but anyway...) 
> 
> The panic attack stuff is mostly drawn from personal experience, and ways I've learned to calm myself/friends down when attacks occur. Honestly I was a little bit reluctant about including it, because writing about attacks makes me very anxious and I'd like to represent them accurately.
> 
> Drink lots of water kiddos. Much love. <3


	10. Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck.What the fuck.What the fuck.What the fuck was all his mind could spout out on repeat. Frantically, he knew he should do something, he should move, or think, or run, or approach but it was all he could do to stand there and stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I'm updating early this week! It must have been the 10,000 coffee's I've consumed!

Grantaire couldn't quite describe the way he was feeling. It wasn't unrest, he wasn't unnerved and he wasn't spaced out. Yet the sensation he felt throughout his mind and body was almost one of being stuck between a surreal limbo of the real world and the mindset he'd been trapped in whilst experiencing his attack.

 

His thoughts were crashing in and out of focus, but they didn't feel like his thoughts. They didn't sound the way his thoughts usually sounded. It felt like his body was on autopilot. His chin resting against his hand on against the armrest of the couch, yet his mind was disconnected from it all. He couldn't remember making the movements needed to place himself in such a position.

 

Enjolras was still talking, the room was rapt with their attention to him. Usually he wouldn't be able to blame them, but tonight all he felt was an odd detachment from those around him. Joly and Bossuet were sitting beside him, occasionally giving him an encouraging smile or nudging the glass of water resting on the coffee table closer towards him. He didn't touch it.

 

He leaned closer towards them. “Joly?” He kept his voice just above a whisper, trying hard not to draw attention to himself.

 

Joly looked towards him. “What do you need?” He murmured back.

 

“I feel weird.”

 

“Do you think you're going to throw up?”

 

Grantaire shook his head. “Not like that. My heads all fuzzy. Like I'm not really here or something.”

 

“Ah.” Joly said with a sympathetic smile. “Depersonalisation.” He said as if that explained everything. Grantaire's confusion must have shown on his face because Joly went on, leaning in closer so he could hear him clearer. “It's kind of like an after-shock for some people. I used to get it really bad.”

 

“Can I take anything to make it go away?”

 

Joly's smile faded and was replaced with a look of pity. He didn't have to say anything for Grantaire to know the answer.

  
Bossuet leaned in to the conversation, placing a supportive hand on Joly's thigh. “Didn't you used to drink something that made you feel better?” He looked towards Grantaire and smiled “I remember cause he used to drink it in this cute little Jurassic Park mug with the dinosaur holding a teacup that said “Tea-Rex”.” Bossuet's smile turned into a slightly guilty look. “Then I accidentally knocked it off our Balcony.” He muttered.

 

Joly smiled fondly at Bossuet. “It was a herbal tea Jehan gave me. It was more of a placebo affect then an actual treatment. I would think to myself: 'this is the tea that comforts me and makes me feel better' and then it would. Chetta keeps some behind the bar. I can get her to make you some.”

 

It was only then that Grantaire realised Musichetta wasn't in the room. He'd come in in such a frenzy he hadn't taken note of who was present and who wasn't. “Is she working tonight?” Musichetta had been working behind the bar at the Musaine for as long as he'd known her.

 

“Yeah, she'd love an excuse to come in here and disrupt our meeting though. How about it?”

 

Grantaire nodded. Joly took out his phone and sent a text message.

 

Ten minutes later Musichetta came in with a large tray of drinks, boisterous, distracting and charming in a way that only she could be. Not only had she brought Grantaire a mug of a strange, green looking tea, she'd also been kind enough to bring everybody a round of their favourites, meaning that any intention to chastise her for interrupting the meeting was quickly stifled.

 

After making sure everybody was satisfied and giving her boyfriends a quick peck on the cheek she made her exit, but not before ruffling Grantaire's hair and hugging him from behind. Grantaire felt so incredibly thankful for her presence.

 

The moment he cupped his hands around the mug he felt a warmness tingling throughout his body. He'd had so many bad days lately, and perhaps it was a placebo effect, or maybe it just grounded him to feel, taste and smell something so strong all at once, but he began to feel more like himself. Once all that remained at the bottom of the cup were a few dregs of tea leaves he leaned back into the couch, curling his legs up beside him. He tugged the coat Enjolras had leant him around him tighter.

 

He was so tired.

 

Mentally, physically and emotionally drained.

 

Enjolras had begun to speak again, even though his voice was steel and fire and passion it was still so comforting and soothing to Grantaire, he didn't fight it when he felt himself drifting off.

 

He was so tired of fighting.

 

*

 

“Hey.” The voice was soft and low. Grantaire felt a nudge at his shoulder. He shut his eyes tighter in protest and made a small noise.

 

His shoulder was nudged again, this time with a small bit of force behind it.

 

“Grantaire, wake up.”

 

He blinked a few times, letting his eyes gain focus and his mind wake up a fraction, only to meet Enjolras' piercing blue eyes.

 

Grantaire sat up quickly, Enjolras' coat falling off his shoulders and onto the couch beside him. Looking around he realised that all the other members had left, leaving just he and Enjolras in the room.

 

“Where is everybody?” He asked one-handedly rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

 

“At the bar.” Enjolras replied, rising from his crouching position. “You're place isn't too far from here, right?”

 

“Yeah. It's only two blocks away.” Grantaire replied frowning slightly. “How come?”

 

“I was thinking it might be a good idea to grab some more things from your place before we head back. Sensible winter clothes, for example.” He added with a smile.

 

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that...” Grantaire said swinging his legs over the side of the couch and getting to his feet. “Just how long were you intending for me to stay?”

 

Enjolras fixed him with a serious look. “As long as it takes to keep you safe.”

 

“You realise that's not actually an answer right?” Grantaire replied raising an eyebrow at him. “I mean, let's be realistic. You know it could take months for these guys to be found let alone processed by the system. It could be half a year before they're even charged with anything.”

 

“Then you'll stay for half a year.” Enjolras said firmly.

 

Grantaire was taken aback. He could only laugh in disbelief.

 

“Enjolras, That's crazy. I can't just crash at your place for half a year. And what the hell am I supposed to do with my apartment in the meantime? Just pay my rent but not live in it like some kind of expensive storage locker? I don't think you've thought this thr-”

 

“-Grantaire I don't mean for you to 'crash' at my place I mean for you to move in with me.” Enjolras interrupted in a frustrated tone.

 

If Grantaire was taken aback before it was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. It was like being slapped in the face.

 

“What?!” He asked flabbergasted. He didn't think he had the current mental capacity to say anything else.

 

“You should live with me.” Enjolras repeated in an earnest tone. “Logically, it makes sense. Like you said, we don't have a time-frame to predict how long this is going to take to get justice. By the way things have gone we can only assume they are going to escalate before they get better. You've already been targeted more than once and we're the only ones in the group who currently live alone. I have a spare room, you only have a month left on your current lease. Trust me, I have thought this through more than you know.”

 

Grantaire was dumbstruck, Enjolras was losing his mind, it was the only explanation. There was no way in hell they could _live_ together.

 

“Hang on a second.” He said, a sudden realisation dawning on him. “How do you know I only have a month left on my lease?”

 

“I asked Jehan about your current living situation and they told me you'd mentioned your landlord was raising your rent and you had to find a new place to live in a months time.” Enjolras explained unabashedly.

 

“I told you, I've thought this through. Besides this is partly my fault, the least I can do-”

 

“-Wait, wait, wait.” Grantaire said face-palming in exasperation. “That's what this is about!? You're seriously asking me to live with you out of some kind of misplaced guilt? I don't think you realise just how much you'd have to put up with me! I mean you don't even _like_ me that much and I'd be in your life almost twenty four hours a day! There's a reason I live alone, you know. People don't _like_ living with me. Let alone you. I'm messy and obnoxious and-”

 

“I am not doing this out of guilt!” Enjolras snapped back at him. His cheeks had turned a bright shade of red.

 

“Sorry to interrupt-”

 

Musichetta was sticking her head through the door tentatively. If the look on her face was anything to go by; ' _sorry_ ' was an understatement.

 

“There's a guy at the bar asking for you, 'Taire. I've never seen him before but he says he knows you?”

 

He nodded at her and she closed the door behind her as she left.

 

Grantaire snatched the coat from the couch and pointed a finger straight at Enjolras. “I'm not done talking about this.” He warned brushing past him and striding towards the door.

 

He could hear Enjolras following him a few steps behind but he tried to ignore it. His head was buzzing, his fists were curled and he felt like he could scream. He'd almost forgotten about the whole reason he'd been summoned from the room until he reached the bar.

 

Musichetta was cleaning up a few empty glasses when he approached her. “Who was asking for me?” He asked her shortly. She looked up in surprise. “Oh. I didn't catch his name. He said to meet him outside in the smoking area. Hey-” She grabbed his arm as he made to turn around and head outside. “Are you alright?”

 

Grantaire shook his head, Enjolras had caught up with him, and looked as though he too was not done talking.

 

“I'm _fine_.” He muttered pulling himself out of her grip and heading towards a side-door that led to a small outdoor courtyard for smokers. Grantaire was determined to get whatever was happening over with so he could continue his argument.

 

Just before he reached the door however, he stopped dead in his tracks. The window looking out to the courtyard showed a familiar face waiting for him. Looking away from his direction and taking a long drag of a cigarette was unmistakably the young man from the truck.

 

_What the fuck.What the fuck.What the fuck.What the fuck_ was all his mind could spout out on repeat. Frantically, he knew he should do something, he should move, or think, or run, or approach but it was all he could do to stand there and stare.

 

“Hey, you okay there buddy?” Bahorel had gotten up from the table next to him and given him a supportive clap on the back snapping him out of his broken mental state.

 

“That's... That's the guy from the truck. The one with the badge.” He said in disbelief, refusing to tear his eyes away from the window.

 

Somebody pushed past him, hard and fast. He was knocked into Bahorels side. He looked up just in time to see Enjolras disappear into the courtyard. Without thinking, Grantaire scrambled to follow him.

 

He made it outside just in time to see Enjolras rapidly approach the man, raising his arm. The young man turned his head towards them and-

 

**WHACK.**

 

His head lurched back with a sickening crunch as Enjolras' fist collided with his nose; hard.

 

“Enjolras!” Grantaire heard himself exclaim.

 

Enjolras' face was curled into a snarl, he pushed the man against the wall behind them with such force that his head hit the cobbled brick. The weight of his arm pressed against the man's chest, pinning him there.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Bahorel practically yelled, running to Grantaire's side.

 

“Talk!” Enjolras barked out, ignoring Bahorel. “What the fuck do you want?”

 

“Get off me!”

 

“Tell me what you're doing here!” Enjolras demanded. He raised his fist again in a threatening motion and Grantaire lurched forward, grabbing Enjolras by the wrist.

 

“Enjolras, stop!”

 

“Get out of the way, Grantaire.” Enjolras growled, not taking his eyes off of the man. “You're going to pay for what you did to him.” He threatened, his voice low and dangerous. Enjolras tried to lurch his arm out of Grantaire's grip but Grantaire held on tighter.

 

“I never fucking touched your boyfriend, man!” His eyes had gone wide and his voice was caught between fear and anger.

 

“No. But you watched. You were there. That's good enough for me.” Enjolras snarled pressing him tighter against the wall.

 

“Enjolras!” Grantaire pleaded. “He's the one who got me out.”

 

“Yeah, you should be thanking me, you-”

  
**BAM.**

 

Grantaire had been unable to hold Enjolras back anymore as his fist collided with the man's face for a second time, hitting him square in the jaw.

 

Thankfully Bahorel moved in, pushing the two apart with ease as though they were both made of paper. Bahorel held the man against the wall with one hand and was holding Enjolras back with his other.

 

He motioned his head towards Enjolras. “You need to calm down. And you-” He added, turning his head towards the bloody faced young man before him. “You need to talk. Fast. Before I decide to punch you myself.”

 

The man looked positively terrified at the prospect. He raised his hand to his face in a vain attempt to stifle the blood flowing from his nose. “We're on the same side.” He said thickly. “I'm not with those guys. I want them taken down, just like you.”

 

Enjolras scoffed.

 

“You've got a real strange way to showing it.” Bahorel said suspiciously. “I think you can understand why we might find it hard to believe you.”

 

“I was infiltrating them! Why else would I put myself at risk to sabotage them? Do you understand if they had any idea I was talking to any of you I'd be found in a ditch somewhere by morning?”

 

“But why?” Grantaire asked perplexed. “If you're not with them who are you with?”

 

He looked towards Grantaire and Grantaire felt himself wishing he'd kept his mouth shut. This guy had seen him at his lowest point, almost begging for his life. To be faced with conversing with him was making his stomach crawl.

 

“All you need to know is that your little group wouldn't be the only one benefiting from their organisation being taken out. There are organisations outside of the law that you'd be better off with being on top.”

 

Grantaire had to tear his eyes away from him to avoid his nerves from failing. He found himself instead looking in Enjolras' direction. Enjolras looked as though he was capable of murder.

 

“What do you want?” He asked, his voice uneven with unbridled anger.

 

The man smiled at Enjolras sickeningly, his teeth bloodied. “A fair trade. Names for names. We need to know whose going down next, for our safety . You give us the names of the other cops you have and I'll tell you exactly where you can find the men who took him.”

 

Grantaire's mouth felt like ash and a terrible feeling washed over him.

 

“Names?” Enjolras asked confused. “What names? We don't have that kind of information.”

 

Grantaire felt sick, he was single-handedly going to ruin everything the ABC was trying to achieve.

 

“Yes you do. I know you do. Moreau was one of ours you know.” The man said with a taunting smile towards Enjolras. “He's always been a talker. Did you really think him taking the man away from France would stop him from letting us know just who paid him a visit yesterday?”

 

Enjolras looked affronted. The man bit out a bitter laugh. “Besides...” He said gesturing his head in Grantaire's direction. “ _He_ told us that you did.”

 

Bahorel and Enjolras looked at Grantaire perplexed. He had lied in the truck to save his life, now it was coming back to haunt him.

 

“I had to.” Grantaire said, his voice strained. He looked Enjolras straight in the eye hoping he'd take the hint and understand not to accidentally tell the young man the truth. If they could pretend they had something this new group wanted there was the tiniest ray of hope for him to not be constantly looking over his shoulder, or worrying about going outside alone, or even living with Enjolras.

 

Something registered on Enjolras' face, something more than understanding.

 

“I need to discuss this with the group.” Enjolras said, his voice was back to steel and his face set in marble. “If it were up to me, I'd tell you now. But it's not.”

 

Bahorel still seemed confused but he kept his mouth shut, relinquishing his grip on Enjolras and the man.

 

“You do what you have to do.” The man said in an obnoxious tone, straightening his shirt and wiping his face on his sleeve. “If I were you however, I'd ' _discuss'_ quickly.” He turned towards Grantaire placing a small business card in his hand. “They really want you dead, you know.” He warned before departing. Grantaire turned to watch him go.

 

All three of them were silent until they were absolutely sure the man was well out of earshot. “What the fuck just happened? Since when do we have names?” Bahorel asked them desperately.

 

“We don't have anything.” Grantaire said miserably “I fucked up.. I... I told them we didn't but we were looking into stuff like that. I've completely fucked this up.”

 

He turned around to face them only to find that Enjolras was gone. Bahorel was looking at Grantaire sympathetically. Grantaire hated the feeling of being pitied.

 

“Come on,” He said averting his eyes and making his way towards the door. “It's freezing out here.”

 

 

They found Enjolras in the backroom, he'd gathered Combeferre and was talking to him in a hurried and hushed tone. When he saw Bahorel and Grantaire enter he stopped in the middle of his sentence and strode over to them.

 

“What did he give you?” Enjolras asked Grantaire in an abrupt tone, pointing to the small card he was holding.

 

Grantaire looked down and examined the card. It was a simple white background with only a phone number and no name on it.

 

“It's just a phone number.” Grantaire said holding it out, Enjolras snatched it from him, holding it up to the light as though hoping it would reveal some secret code.

 

“What do you think?” Enjolras asked Combeferre with the same rushed tone. “We could demand that they give the information over first. Although once they find out we don't know anything it could be dangerous. We don't know who they are yet. We definitely need to find any information we can on them before we make any kind of deals. For all we know they could be just as bad as the others. If we get the upper hand before they have a chance to realise we're bluffing however-”

 

“ _I_ think.” Combeferre said slowly, looking at Enjolras over his glasses. “That this isn't the time to discuss it. You're almost shaking with adrenaline, Grantaire looks exhausted and has already had an anxiety attack tonight. Any decision either of you come to at the moment won't be one made rationally. There's a reason people advise you to sleep over a decision” He said seriously.

 

Grantaire was surprised that Combeferre included him in his rationale. Since when did he make decisions with Enjolras? Since when did he make decisions at all?

 

Enjolras let out an impatient puff of air. “We don't have time to sleep on anything. We need to act now. We need to do something”

 

Combeferre raised his eyebrows at Enjolras. “And what exactly are you going to do?”

 

Enjolras opened his mouth to reply, but shut it quickly. It was obvious that he desperately wanted to act, and yet he didn't even have the beginnings of a plan.

 

“Go to bed.” Combeferre said with a tone of finality. “Get some sleep. Discuss it in the morning.”

 

Enjolras looked as though he wanted to argue with him but instead he let out a frustrated sigh and turned on his heel. When he reached the door he looked over to Grantaire and jerked his head towards the exit, meaning for him to follow.

 

“Umm.. Goodnight, I guess.” Grantaire said shooting them an apologetic look before rushing to the door.

 

He caught up with Enjolras just outside the doors of the Musaine. He looked very much on edge and seemed to be fighting off the urge to say something to Grantaire.

 

“I know I shouldn't have told them that stuff...” Grantaire said quietly feeling guiltier by the second.

 

Enjolras twisted his head towards him sharply. “What?” He asked frustratedly. “Grantaire you did what you had to do. I'm not mad at you.”

 

“You kind of sound mad.” Grantaire said tentatively.

 

Enjolras began to walk down the street, in the direction of Grantaire's apartment. “I'm not mad at _you_.” He repeated before sighing heavily. “It's... Well it's this entire situation. I feel like we should be able to catch these guys without having to bow to the whims of men like them. It's despicable. I feel contaminated just thinking about giving somebody like that _anything._ ”

 

Enjolras made a disgusted face and looked down at his bloodstained hands. “It's not enough to just do the right thing anymore. In order to get justice you have to sink to their level. You have to dirty yourself. I _hate_ it.”

 

Grantaire didn't know what possessed him to do it, all he knew was that he couldn't stand seeing Enjolras look at any part of himself with such revulsion. He took Enjolras' hand in his just the way he had the night of the rally. He expected Enjolras to pull away, or look at him surprisedly, or even ask him what he was doing. Instead however, Enjolras just entwined his fingers around Grantaires, squeezing them tightly, his face remained unreadable, but his shoulders lost their tension.

 

They walked the short distance in silence, hand in hand.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :):):):) You guys are the greatest. Your messages and comments are so so so so so so so amazing :):):):):)
> 
> I'm going away on a holiday for a few days with my boyfriend and my friends to a music festival. The next update may be later than usual. Swings and roundabouts I suppose <3


	11. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there he was looking at Grantaire with that expression he couldn't place again... Was it pity? Sympathy? Frustration? Stubbornness? No... Grantaire knew what all of those expressions looked like on Enjolras. This was new. He'd only recently began to look at him like this and it was driving Grantaire crazy not knowing what it meant.
> 
>  
> 
> Grantaire let out a deep sigh tearing his eyes away from Enjolras. This was going to be painful. For both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all thank you all so much for your patience with this chapter. I know it's been a long time coming, my life got crazy, my work got busy and my friends got... Well let's just say I had to spend a lot of spare time helping them out with some complicated stuff.
> 
> Also your comments, kudos and otherwise encouraging words have absolutely made me last few weeks through all of that so thank you thank you thank you.
> 
> Basically what I'm trying to say is, I love you all and I'm not worthy of you guys! <3
> 
> Anyway, without further ado...

 

Arriving back at his apartment, Grantaire only reluctantly let go of Enjolras' hand because he had to open the door. He mentally cursed the fact that the walk over was such a short distance, wanting to extend the time he had with Enjolras' touch as long as possible. The warmth and comfort it provided him disappearing as their hands separated.

 

He expected the worst upon entering his place and was met with it. Almost everything he owned; clothes, photos, CD's, papers, were strewn throughout the room haphazardly. Some of them broken, some of them cut up, some of them just thrown down in a careless mix of destruction and desperation. Whatever they were looking for they obviously didn't find and the deep cuts littering the paintings spread across the floor reflected the assailants frustration at this.

 

Grantaire took a second to take it all in, breathing sharply through his teeth.

 

“I guess I should be grateful they didn't burn the place down.” He said trying to keep his tone light and airy, but his voice cracked halfway through.

 

Enjolras looked at him intensely with a mix of pity and something else Grantaire couldn't quite place. He turned away from him, pretending to inspect the damage in his small kitchen. A scattering of broken china and glass was strewn before him. Carefully he stepped over them, heading into his bedroom.

 

His bed was stripped down and his mattress turned over, covers ripped off the pillows, the whole room looked a disaster. Perhaps if he wasn't so exhausted Grantaire would feel a sense of dread or melancholy at the state of his room, but it was all that he could do to let out a low sigh.

 

Enjolras was standing in his door-frame, Grantaire could not remember a time that he'd ever seen him looking so drained and down. He looked just as exhausted as Grantaire felt.

 

“Would it be ok,” Enjolras said slowly, looking down at the floor “If we stay here for the night?”

 

Grantaire looked at him surprised. Looking around his apartment he couldn't think of a singular reason why he'd want to spend another second more than necessary there. Especially considering Enjolras' apartment had a better bed, a better neighbourhood and didn't currently appear as though a bomb had hit it. Although he supposed it was a while away. Even thinking about walking back there in his current state of fatigue was making him weary.

 

“Okay. I'll go set up the couch if you want to fix all this,” He said gesturing to the overturned mattress. “I'd do it my self but... Well you know.” He raised his cast a little and shot Enjolras an apologetic smile.

 

Enjolras merely nodded in the same defeated expression he'd been wearing since their conversation outside of the Musain. Grantaire wanted nothing more than to wipe the look off his face and replace it with anything else. Even having Enjolras' unfiltered fury directed at him would be better than this.

  
As he made his way into the living room he tried not to focus on what a fucking disaster the night had been. He was stopped dead in his tracks however upon seeing the state of his couch.

 

Every cushion had been hacked and slashed and pulled apart, leaving a trail of fluff and fabric strewn about the room. He ran his hands over the exposed springs and frayed upholstery and wondered how he hadn't noticed it before. He knew there was no way Enjolras or he could sleep there, which left two alternatives, making the long, awkward walk back with an Enjolras he didn't know how to handle or-

 

_Shit._

 

Tonight could go fuck itself.

 

He paced the living room for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts and occasionally half-tripping over something in his trails. He couldn't do it. There was just no way. Yet the alternative choice of _forcing_ Enjolras to go home when he clearly just wanted the night to be over just as much as Grantaire did was making him cringe. He could feel his chest tightening and forced himself to stop and take a deep breathe. He refused to have another attack; not now.

 

_It could be Enjolras' choice_ , he decided suddenly. If he just explained to him the situation without telling him they should go home Enjolras would almost certainly come to that conclusion himself anyway. Surely he was sick of Grantaire's company by now, having to share a room with him- let alone a bed... No, Enjolras wouldn't want that. No matter how tired he was.

 

Grantaire entered his bedroom once more to find Enjolras sitting on the edge of the bed. Not only had he fixed it but he had also made it, the sheets were flattened out and the pillows arranged neatly at the head of the bed. He fought back a chuckle in the back of his throat at how bizarre a perfectly made bed looked in a room full of destruction and made a mental note to perhaps take a quick sketch down at a more appropriate time.

  
Enjolras didn't look at him as let himself in and sat down next to him on the bed. Instead, he was looking straight down, his lips thinned in frustrated pensiveness. His hair had fallen in front of his face, slightly shadowing it, and Grantaire had to fight back an urge to tuck it behind his ear.

 

“We may have a problem with the whole 'sleeping here' situation,” Grantaire said, he waited for a sign from Enjolras to continue but he just remained staring down at Grantaire's messy floor. Grantaire cleared his throat. “My couch has pretty much been murdered... So I mean we can still sleep here but well... Yeah. We'll have to share.” Grantaire tried not to outwardly cringe as he said the words aloud.

 

Enjolras nodded slowly. “Okay.”

 

Grantaire was slightly taken aback at how suddenly Enjolras had agreed. “I mean, if you feel more comfortable going home-”

 

“It's fine,” Enjolras said shaking his head and finally moving the hair out of his face. He looked over to Grantaire, some of the fierceness returning to his face. “You understand where I'm coming from now though, don't you? Imagine if you were here when this happened. God...” He clenched his fist on his thigh. “Just thinking about them being _here_ , looking for you...”

 

“Yeah but I mean I wasn't here, right? I was with you-”

 

“Exactly,” Enjolras said firmly. “I don't want to fight with you about this again. Not tonight, but...” He bit his lip and softened his tone “Just think about it... Please?”

 

And there he was looking at Grantaire with that expression he couldn't place again... Was it pity? Sympathy? Frustration? Stubbornness? No... Grantaire knew what all of those expressions looked like on Enjolras. This was new. He'd only recently began to look at him like this and it was driving Grantaire crazy not knowing what it meant.

 

Grantaire let out a deep sigh tearing his eyes away from Enjolras. This was going to be painful. For both of them.

 

“Fine.” He huffed.

 

“You'll think about it?” Enjolras asked hopefully.

 

“No, I'll do it.”

 

Enjolras blinked at him, then, realisation dawning on him, his expression changed as he beamed at Grantaire, and his entire face lit up. Grantaire couldn't stop himself from smiling slightly back. Although he was annoyed at himself and the prospect of spending every day with Enjolras was daunting and frightening to him, it would almost be worth the torture he was putting himself through to see that look on Enjolras' face. Enjolras was smiling at _him_. Enjolras was approving of _him_. He really was smiling back now.

 

Grantaire got up and crossed the room to where his wardrobe was, busying himself with finding two pairs of pyjamas to try and hide the hotness he felt envelope his face that he was almost certain would be noticeable if he were to turn around.

 

“I think it's only fair that you get to wear some of my clothes since I've been wearing yours tonight,” He explained awkwardly as he threw an old band tee-shirt and long flannel pants into Enjolras' lap. “Bathrooms just through there.” He added pointing across the room.

 

_I guess we're really doing this_. He thought to himself as he began to remove his layers. He tried to ignore the screaming voice of panic at the back at his head as he removed his hoodie, then his shirt.

 

He realised suddenly that Enjolras was still in the room. He had in fact, not moved and was still on the edge of the bed and looking up at Grantaire, who suddenly felt very self concious.

 

“What's the matter?” He asked trying to keep his voice casual, despite being painfully aware of his body and trying not to think of all the faults he had that were currently very clearly on display.

 

Enjolras seemed to snap out of whatever thoughts he'd been wrapped up in. He shook his head. “It's nothing... I'll go get changed.” He said leaving the room in a hurry.

 

A paranoid thought suddenly struck Grantaire.

 

_He knows_. He thought frantically. _Oh god, he knows I have **feelings** for him. _ Grantaire began to change quickly in a panic.

 

_No that can't be it... He can't know. There's no way he'd agree to sleep with me if he did... Not sleep with me, sleep in the same bed as me. Oh shit. Fuck. This is really happening. What the fuck am I doing?_

 

He climbed into his bed, trying hard not to panic and slowly convinced himself that Enjolras didn't know, _couldn't_ know. Especially not now, that he'd agreed to live with him. _Oh God. Why did I do that??? Joly was right about me. I do have a death wish. Because this is going to actually kill me._ He scrunched his eyes closed and cringed at himself. Fighting the urge to hide under the covers and never come out.

 

By the time Enjolras came back into the room Grantaire had calmed himself down enough to look nonchalant and pretend to be looking at something on his phone. He looked up, putting his phone on his night-stand and saw himself greeted by Enjolras, standing there in his pyjamas. And God, they should not look so good on him. It was unfair how good they looked on him. He mentally kicked himself as Enjolras shut off the light.

 

He felt the mattress shift slightly beneath him as Enjolras lay down next to him and was thankful for the darkness hiding his face. Despite the fact that he was exhausted he doubted very much that he'd be getting any sleep.

 

 

“Grantaire?” Enjolras asked quietly, Grantaire heard him shift beside him and wondered if he had moved to face him.

 

“Yeah?” Grantaire replied, trying to sound as casual as possible and not let his paranoid thoughts take over.

 

“You're wrong, by the way.”

 

Grantaire let out a surprised laugh. “Uh, I'm wrong about a lot of things... You're going to have to be more specific.”

 

Enjolras was silent for a moment.

 

“Earlier tonight. When we were arguing at the Musain. You said I didn't even like you that much,” He paused before continuing. “I do... Like you, that is. I consider you my friend or I wouldn't have offered my apartment. I mean it. I'm not doing this out of guilt.” He said the last sentence so earnestly and with so much conviction that for a moment Grantaire was speechless.

 

“I... Okay.” Grantaire said awkwardly.

 

“I also meant it when I said I care for you.” Enjolras continued. “I know we don't always see eye to eye on things but... I need you to know that that doesn't mean I don't care about you, or consider you less of a friend, or...” He trailed off, clearing his throat.

 

Grantaire couldn't put into words what he was feeling, and he didn't know quite what to say. “Thank you... For saying that...” He said softly, hoping that Enjolras would know it meant a lot to him, even if he himself couldn't say it aloud.

 

There was movement again, and Enjolras was shifting onto his back once more.

 

_Friends_. So that's what they were. It felt incredibly heart-warming to hear it said.

 

“Grantaire?” Enjolras asked again.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Never mind... I'm keeping you up.”

 

“I don't mind.” Grantaire said amusedly. He was incredibly thankful that the pitch black room was hiding the dumb smile that was currently plastered on his face.

 

Enjolras was silent for a long time, Grantaire wondered if he'd fallen asleep, but then in a very quiet and drifting voice he spoke again.

 

“I just want to be able to keep you safe...”

 

Grantaire's smile grew, and he had to resist the urge to hide his face deep into his pillow. Usually he'd be annoyed, think he was being treated like a child or somebody who couldn't take care of themselves; but to hear it from a sleepy Enjolras was oddly endearing. “I know,” he whispered back to him. “Don't worry, I'll let you this time.”

 

Enjolras made a satisfied noise.

 

Grantaire tensed slightly at the sudden, unexpected warmth enveloping his hand. Enjolras hand was on-top of his own. Grantaire had to force himself not to over-think his movements as this time, as it was his turn to entwine their fingers and give Enjolras' hand an encouraging squeeze.   
  
They were friends. Enjolras had said so himself. He couldn't ruin that with his _feelings_.

 

He thought being in such close proximity to Enjolras, that it would be difficult to get to sleep, but it was surprisingly easy with the warmth of Enjolras' body heat next to his own and the comfort of his touch, Grantaire drifted off to sleep.

 

The night was finally over.

 

*

 

Grantaire woke suddenly to the loud, intrusive noise of an incoming text message. There was a soft light filtering through his window, he was slightly disoriented and it took a while for him to realise that he was back in his apartment in his own bed and-

 

And there was something pressed against him.

 

Not something, _someone_.

 

In a rush, the events from the night before all came flooding back to him, and he held his breathe when he realised that Enjolras was here, pressed against him, his arm wrapped casually around his waist. _How the hell did that happen???_ He thought desperately, before remembering to breathe again.

 

_Okay, it's no big deal, except that it is, but we're just going to pretend it's not. We're friends, remember. Friends. Just move and get up out of bed._

 

Grantaire attempted to shift himself into an upright position, but the moment he moved even in the slightest, the grip around him tightened, preventing him from leaving. He cringed at the feeling of Enjolras' warmth pressed closer to him, and hated the fact that it didn't at all feel uncomfortable or wrong. If it had felt strange or weird he could have at least felt less guilty about it, but it didn't; in fact the way Enjolras' body curved into his it almost felt as though they were made to be this close.

 

_That's ridiculous. You're being ridiculous._ He thought desperately, as Enjolras shifted slightly up behind him and he tried not to panic as he felt his warm breathe against his neck, and goosebumps began to rise. _Fuck._

 

He had no choice but to just lie there and accept it, trying furtively to pretend that he wanted to leave.

 

He flinched slightly when his phone went off a second time, and reached over to read his messages.

 

_A Joly Good Time: WTF?????? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? BAHOREL JUST TOLD US WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT WHAT THE HELL???!!!! WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME????? YOU CANT JUST NOT TELL ME WHEN FUCKED UP SHIT HAPPENS TO U!!!! D: <_

 

_Received 8:16am_

 

_A Joly Good Time: YOU BETTER CALL ME ASAP OR IM GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR PHONE EVERY MINUTE WITH ANGRY FACED EMOJIS UNTIL YOU DO_ (◣_◢)(◣_◢)(◣_◢)

 

_Received 8:19am_

 

 

Just as Grantaire was about to text out a reply another message buzzed through, making him hurriedly switch his phone to silent as Enjolras groaned behind him.

 

_A Joly Good Time: (_ _ノ_ _ಠ_ _益_ _ಠ_ _)_ _ノ彡┻━┻_

 

_Received 8:20am_

 

“Grantaire...” Enjolras grumbled.

 

“Yeah?” Grantaire cringed, expecting Enjolras to chastise him for waking him up. Only silence followed.

 

“What is it?” Grantaire asked. Again he was met with silence.

 

Grantaire realised suddenly that Enjolras was asleep, and had more than likely been asleep when he had said Grantaire's name.

 

Did that mean that Enjolras was dreaming about him?

 

This was getting too weird for Grantaire. Enjolras didn't dream about Grantaire. Enjolras probably dreamed of revolution and equality and all the things that Grantaire was unworthy of being associated with.

 

He had to leave.

 

Carefully he wrapped his hand around Enjolras' wrist and, rather difficultly, pried his grip from around his waist. It was an odd balance, trying to be gentle enough not to wake Enjolras up but forceful enough to get him to let go. After about five minutes of this strange dance of the limbs he was finally free. Fighting every urge he had to look back at Enjolras in his bed and making his way into the living room with his phone, shutting the bedroom door behind him.

 

He looked down to see seven new unread messages from Joly. Not even bothering to open the barrage of emojis they surely contained, he opened up the contacts screen and hit call on the dinosaur picture next to Joly's name.

  
Joly picked up before the first ring had even rung out.

 

“What the hell Grantaire?!”

 

“Joly-”

 

“You could have at least sent us a text message or something.”   
  
“Chetta-”

 

“I mean we had to find out from Bahorel. Do you know how long it takes for that guy to tell a story?”

 

“Bossuet-”

 

“Don't let it happen again!”

 

“Seriously just a text message. One text.”

 

“I mean he kept going on and on about this new juice cleanse he was on-”

 

“ _GUYS!_ ”

 

There was finally silence on the other end.

 

“I'm sorry okay? I know I should have told you about it. It just... Happened. And then I went home and it was a bit overwhelming seeing my apartment like that for the first time-”

 

“-Wait, you're at your place?” Joly said suddenly.

 

“Well yeah. Enjolras wanted me to grab some more things and then we were too tired to head back and-”

 

“So you're both at your place,” Joly said slowly. “But your couch-”

 

“-Is ruined. Like everything else in my apartment. Yeah.”

 

“Well clearly your bed isn't.” Joly mumbled.

 

Grantaire didn't know what to say to that, he felt his cheeks getting hot and tried to ignore the implication in Joly's tone.

 

“So can you tell us what happened?” Bossuet asked quickly “I'm not sure if I trust Bahorel's version of events. I'm like 80% sure there wasn't a dragon involved...”

 

Happy for a change of subject, Grantaire gladly launched into the story. Only occasionally being interrupted by questions from the three.

 

“So what are we going to do?” Chetta asked him when he finally finished, explaining the dilemma about the man asking for names they clearly didn't have.

 

“I don't know,” He sighed “I guess we'll have to figure that out today.”

 

As Bossuet and Joly began to think of a few ideas for what they thought the group should do, Grantaire heard the click of the bedroom door opening behind him. He turned to see Enjolras standing in the doorway rubbing the sleep from his eyes. When Enjolras looked up and smiled at Grantaire, Grantaire smiled back, trying not to let the memories of the morning falter him. He pointed towards the phone and mouthed “ _Joly_ ” to him. Enjolras nodded and withdrew back into his bedroom.

 

“-Or we could do both. What do you think R?” Bossuet finished.

 

Grantaire snapped back to the conversation. “Uh yeah. I still don't know. I'll see what Enjolras thinks and I'll get back to you. I should go though.”

 

“Okay, well just be careful, alright?” Chetta said. “And we better hear from you, or else!”

 

“Or else you'll flood my phone with emojis?” Grantaire said grinning.

 

“Oh you don't even _know_ how much more we'll do.” Joly said.

 

“Bye guys.” Grantaire chuckled, hanging up.

 

Grantaire headed towards his bedroom, Enjolras had dressed himself in yesterdays clothes and was just pulling his coat over his shoulders.

 

“So,” Grantaire began “Any ideas strike you in the middle of the night?”

 

Enjolras looked at him strangely. “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean about what we're supposed to do about this whole 'giving somebody names we don't have' thing.”

 

“Oh.” Enjolras said frowning, he let out a frustrated sigh. “I wish I could say I had an answer but I don't. I don't have anything.”

 

Grantaire looked at him sadly. “Well if it makes you feel any better I've got shit all, as well.” Grantaire paused. “I'm sorry I've put us in this whole situation.”

 

“Grantaire if you apologise one more time for things that aren't your fault-”

 

“Okay, okay! But still... I feel bad about it.”

 

“Well you shouldn't.” Enjolras said firmly.

 

Grantaire couldn't help but smile at him.

 

After throwing a few things in a backpack to take back to Enjolras' and getting changed, they departed Grantaire's apartment, they were in the hallway when Grantaire remembered something.

 

“Oh, shit. Hang on a sec, I should check my mail.”

 

He fiddled with his keys until he found the one for his mailbox, grabbing the small stack of letters inside he rejoined Enjolras at the entrance.

 

“Anything interesting?” Enjolras asked as they passed by a small cafe and bookshop.

 

“Ah, you know just the usual, bills, bills and more bills.” Grantaire said flicking through them, stopping when he came to a slightly bent blank envelope, unaddressed to him or anybody else for that matter.

 

“What's that?” Enjolras asked concerned.

 

“I don't know.” Grantaire said tearing the envelope open. “Probably just one of those death threat things you guys received. I mean it was only a matter of time.”

 

Grantaire opened up the paper, expecting to see a mess of cut-out magazine letters and broken words, instead he was greeted by a rather neat handwriting gracing the page. Grantaire ran his eyes quickly over the paper, it suddenly dawned on him exactly what the letter was.

 

“This is....” He breathed, not daring to believe it. He read it one more time making sure he wasn't mistaken.

 

“What?” Enjolras asked concerned, stopping in his tracks. “Is there something wrong?”

 

Grantaire stopped as well, laughing in disbelief. “Nothings wrong! For once everything's right! Enjolras, this is our answer!” He said waving the paper in front of his face.

 

Enjolras looked bemusedly at him before snatching the letter out of his hands and reading quickly. Grantaire watched, grinning as Enjolras' eyes widened whilst he read the letter.

 

“Grantaire!” He said breathlessly.

 

“I know!” Grantaire grinned.

 

“This is-”

 

“This is a member of the police!” Grantaire finished equally breathlessly. Grabbing Enjolras by the shoulders in his excitement and laughing. “And he actually wants to help us!”

 

Enjolras grinned back at him. Pulling Grantaire into himself and hugging him tightly. As Grantaire felt the warmth of Enjolras' embrace tighten around him once more, he finally felt safe.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you all so much for your patience, I promise you won't have to wait as long as you did for the next chapter.
> 
> :):):):):) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3


	12. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire felt a sense of cold dread clutch at his chest. So Enjolras had an issue with him. He should have known things would go downhill this quickly. Enjolras was probably sick of him, didn't want to live with him anymore and didn't know how to tell him. He should have known this would happen. He did know this would happen. He had tried to warn Enjolras.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to say much except as always you guys are the greatest. Your comments and kudos and messages make me incredibly overjoyed.
> 
> This is the chapter I've been waiting to write since I started this fic. It is slightly longer than usual, and there's a teeny weeny time skip at the beginning.

The next few days held a clear and crisp winter air that provided Grantaire with ample cause to stay inside, where the warmth and security of Enjolras' place was beginning to feel like home. He was even getting used to using Enjolras' cups and glasses without asking permission first, a concept that would have been alien to him a week ago. It still felt strange and he still felt unworthy of Enjolras' kindness and hospitality, but it was definitely a lot easier getting accustomed to it when Enjolras wasn't there.

 

In fact since they got the letter from the mysterious member of the police, Grantaire had barely seen Enjolras. The anonymous sender had addressed it to all of the ABC society, despite dropping it in Grantaire's mailbox and Enjolras had taken it upon himself to lead the communication effort with him. His justification being that it would be easier to gain his trust if they stuck to one person communicating with him; he felt the situation needed to be treated delicately and if they made a wrong move he might be scared off. As a result, Enjolras had spent a lot of time dashing out of the apartment to meet with him or locked in his bedroom with various members of the ABC (usually Combeferre or Courfeyrac) discussing things in hushed tones behind closed doors.

 

Grantaire tried to stay out of their way. He busied himself by attempting to get back into his work, knowing he'd put it off for long enough. It was difficult getting back into the swing of things and he found himself taking much longer than he normally would to complete a basic rough design. It was still progress though and a great distraction. Infinitely better than staying in an empty apartment and feeling sorry for himself all day.

 

On the third night after the letters arrival, Enjolras came home looking frazzled and worn out, a genuine smile brushed his lips upon seeing Grantaire on the couch, taking a break from his latest design and reading a book he'd brought back from his apartment on modern art movements of the 20th century.

 

“Hey.” Grantaire smiled back at him, marking his place and joining Enjolras in the kitchen. “Any luck today?”

 

Enjolras heaved a sigh. “Getting there. He's still really hesitant to hand anything over to us, but I think we're making progress.”

 

“Is he scared?” Grantaire asked. He'd been trying to stay out of the conversations regarding the man and give Enjolras time to sort things out but curiosity was getting the better of him.

 

Enjolras brushed his hair back out of his face and shook his head. “No it's nothing like that. He just doesn't completely trust us yet.”

 

“Then why'd he reach out to us?” Grantaire asked frowning.

 

“Well I mean obviously he trusts us to a degree, just not enough to hand anything over yet. He really doesn't want this stuff to get into the wrong peoples hands and honestly, after the stories he's told me I really don't blame his hesitance... This thing goes pretty deep.” Enjolras placed his shoulder bag onto the counter and fixed Grantaire with a serious look. “Which is actually something I wanted to talk to you about.”

 

“Alright then...”

 

Enjolras ran his hands through his hair again. “I know if we go with what we originally planned and hand over this information to the man from the van that we'd receive the others location almost instantly... But I've been thinking and...” Enjolras looked away from Grantaire.

 

“And you don't want to give it to them.” Grantaire finished for him. He would be lying if he said he didn't see this conversation coming.

 

“It just doesn't feel right, handing this kind of stuff over to people like that,” Enjolras said exasperatedly. “Who knows what they'll do with it. They obviously want to get rid of any links they might be connected to before it goes public and in order to do that they could kill some of the people involved. I've been spending the last few days trying to convince this guy that his knowledge is going to be put into the right hands, to turn around and do the opposite... That would make us just as bad as they are. It's unethical.”

 

Grantaire nodded silently, looking down at the cold kitchen tiles. He felt a lump forming in his throat. He knew that what Enjolras was saying made sense, but it didn't make it any less disappointing for him to know that this wasn't over and wouldn't be over for a very long time. He didn't want to spend his life looking over his shoulder, but it seemed like every time they got close to a solution they were just taking 3 steps backwards.

 

“Hey.” Enjolras said softly, he placed a hand on Grantaire's shoulder, making him look up to see a determined expression on Enjolras' tired face. “We're still going to get them. This information will help us get them. Just... Not in the way or time-frame we originally intended.”

 

“I get it.” Grantaire said gently, trying to press a smile. “It's fine.”

 

“Is it?” Enjolras asked earnestly.

 

“'Course it is.” Grantaire said. “It's for the greater good... The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and all of that other stuff, right?”

 

Enjolras frowned at him, taking his hand away. “I wasn't going to say that.”

 

“Why not?” Grantaire shrugged “It's true. It applies.”

 

Enjolras looked at him carefully. “I haven't upset you, have I?”

 

“Nope.” Grantaire lied. “Although I do feel in the mood to watch some star trek now... You wouldn't happen to have any of the movies would you?”

 

Enjolras didn't look convinced. He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He looked at Grantaire uncertainly before taking the call.

 

“Ferre. Hi. Yes. No. Yes. I just had to drop by my apartment, I'll be there soon though-”

 

Grantaire didn't wait to hear the rest of the conversation. He made his way into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He turned on the shower without any intention of getting in. He looked at himself in the mirror, numb to the reflection before him. His bruises had faded from his face, the swelling completely healed, yet he still felt disfigured and grossly ashamed of the appearance that was staring back at him.

 

He waited to hear the footsteps pass the room, and the faint sound of the front door closing alerting him of Enjolras' exit before he turned the water off.

 

He was alone again.

 

If he was completely honest with himself he'd missed the casual comfort that Enjolras' constant presence had been providing him. Without him in the apartment he'd found his intrusive thoughts often started to get the better of him.

 

His friends had only stopped by to briefly talk to Enjolras and he was beginning to feel isolated from them once more. He knew logically that three days wasn't a long time, that they all had jobs and lives and better things to do then constantly check up on him but he was beginning to feel himself unwind.

 

Almost as though somebody was reading his mind, his phone began to vibrate.

 

_A Joly Good Time is calling._

 

He had half a mind to ignore it, but he knew he'd instantly feel guilty for wanting contact from his friends and then immediately pushing them away if he did.

 

“Hey, Joly”

 

“You sound kinda bummed out. Something happen?”

 

“Diagnosing me through the phone now?” Grantaire asked smiling “I'm just tired, what's up?”

 

“I've planned something super fun for you to do tomorrow, and you can't back out of it.” Joly said excitedly. “You have to go to the hospital, 10:30 sharp.”

 

“There's nothing super fun to do at a hospital Joly. Even for a medical nerd like you, that's reaching. What's really going on?”

 

“Ouch. Okay, busted.” Joly said laughing. “Alright, I may or may not have booked you in for a check up tomorrow. I knew if I left it up to you you'd never go back and that you'd cut that damn plaster off yourself with a pair of kitchen scissors, so there. I've done my reliable duty for the day and stopped you from accidentally amputating yourself, you just need to be there tomorrow to follow it through.”

 

“It's been a week already?” Grantaire asked surprised.

 

So much had occurred since he left the hospital that a week felt too soon and too far away all at once.

 

“It feels like it's been a month for me.” Joly said sighing. “Anyway, 10:30. I baked the receptionists cupcakes so they owe me a favour. If you're not there on the dot, I'll know.”

 

“Jeez, okay _Mum_ , settle down I'll be there.”

 

“I've got to get back to my shift. _10:30_! Or else!”

 

Joly hung up before Grantaire could say anything else.

 

Grantaire, tapped the screen, wanting to talk to somebody, anybody to clear his head. He opened up the last conversation he'd recently had, a brief picture swap of cute animals with Courfeyrac from the day before and began to type out a message.

 

_Hey Courf :)_

_This last week has been pretty crazy huh? I feel like im going a bit crazy myself tho so if u wanted to meet up tomorro or something we could chill at that place that does those huge disgusting chocolate things u like or catch a movie or something? Just want to do something normal for a change lol. I hav to do this thing at the hospital tomorrow or joly will actually murder me but we could hang in the afternoon?_

 

He stared at the message, reading and re-reading it with his thumb hovering over the send icon, before moving to the text bar and deleting the whole paragraph, feeling stupid for even thinking of asking. He knew they were all busy, and he shouldn't bother them by guilt tripping them into spending time with him.

 

Instead he made his way into what was practically his bedroom now, not bothering to turn on the lights he threw himself under the covers, despite the fact that it was too early to go to sleep. There was nothing but silence filling the apartment, and his thoughts began to turn self deprecating and nasty.

 

 

 

Hours later, he was just beginning to drift off to sleep when he heard the door open and whispered voices drift in.

 

“-Don't know what to do.” He heard Enjolras whisper to whomever was walking in with him.

 

“Yes you do.” He heard Combeferre reply in a quiet yet firm tone. “You just don't want to do it”

 

They were in the kitchen now and over the noise of somebody moving cutlery around he couldn't make out the next few whispers that were said.. He silently cursed himself for shutting the door all the way, only feeling half guilty about eavesdropping.

 

“-sorted. I still don't know what to do about... You know... The other issue.” Enjolras said, his voice so quiet Grantaire could barely make it out.

 

“You have to tell Grantaire about it.” Combeferre said equally as firmly. “Is it really an issue though?”

 

“Of course it is.” He heard Enjolras hiss fiercely.

 

“Okay, then. Tell him.”

 

There voices grew dimmer as Grantaire heard them make their way into Enjolras' bedroom. He heard Enjolras shut the door, and once again the apartment was silent.

 

Grantaire felt a sense of cold dread clutch at his chest. So Enjolras had an issue with him. He should have known things would go downhill this quickly. Enjolras was probably sick of him, didn't want to live with him anymore and didn't know how to tell him. He should have known this would happen. He did know this would happen. He had tried to warn Enjolras.

 

He could feel himself getting upset and cursed himself for believing even for a second that things could work out. That he could grow comfortable here. That he could start considering it his home.

 

It was hours later before he calmed himself down enough to get to sleep.

 

*

 

Grantaire woke up feeling horrible and wanted nothing more than to go straight back to sleep, looking at the time however, he knew it wasn't an option. He slowly pulled himself out of the bed, not even bothering to make himself look more presentable and opened the door, heading to the bathroom.

  
He was surprised to see Combeferre asleep on Enjolras' couch when he passed the living room, and wondered vaguely just how late the two were up.

 

He was careful this time, not to look into the mirror. He didn't like the chances of liking what he would see staring back at him, especially after a fitful night of broken sleep and paranoia driven dreams.

 

When he emerged once more into the living room he found Combeferre sitting up and cleaning his glasses on his shirt, he didn't look as though he'd gotten much sleep.

 

“Good morning.” He said through a yawn.

 

“Morning. I didn't know you stayed over. Long night?”

 

“Long week,” Combeferre replied frowning. “But yes. I'm afraid by the time Enjolras and I were finished discussing things it was much too late for me to head home. And as Enjolras reminded me, I did come up with the 'buddy system after dark' idea. It's only fair I enforce it on myself as well.”

 

Grantaire gave a small laugh. “Is Enjolras here? I was hoping to speak to him before I go.”

 

“He headed out early.” Combeferre replied as he folded the blanket he had been using.

 

“Figures.” Grantaire mumbled and began to make his way back to the bedroom.

 

“Where are you off to?”

 

“I'm just going back to the hospital for a check up.” Grantaire said turning back around to face him and lifting his cast. “Joly says I can't cut this thing off myself. What a killjoy, right?”

 

“Would you like a lift? I only live a few blocks from there.”

 

“Oh,” Grantaire said surprised. He hadn't expected company today, but it was definitely not unwelcome. “Yeah sure that would be great. Let me just get ready.”

 

 

Grantaire had expected Combeferre's car to be tidy and neat a mirror of the man himself, he hadn't expected a mountain of empty energy drink cans and fast food wrappers to be littering the back-seat.

 

Combeferre looked at him apologetically. “Like I said, it's been a long week.”

 

“Hey, I'm not judging.” Grantaire said happily, at the end of the day he could have been taken in a garbage truck and he just would have been glad for the company. “It has been pretty crazy.”

 

“You know, I never thought when this group was started that we'd ever get this far emerged into something like this... When I first met Enjolras I thought he was like every other activist I'd met; all talk and big speeches and never actually getting anything done. I've never been more wrong about anything in my entire life.”

 

Grantaire laughed. “Sometimes I don't even think a bullet could stop him.”

 

“Yes... Well, even he can be stopped in his tracks from time to time. It's rare but it happens. At the moment for instance...”

 

“Umm... Are we still talking about the same Enjolras? He hasn't stopped these last three days. I've barely seen him.”

 

Combeferre shook his head, keeping his eyes on the road. “I mean to say he's questioning himself. He's distracted.”

 

“By what?”

 

Combeferre was quiet for a moment, his eyes flickered to Grantaire then back to the road again. “By you.” He said astutely.

 

“Me?” Grantaire said surprised. “That's impossible, like I said, I've barely seen him. I know sometimes I can be a dick and purposely derail conversations and shit like that but I haven't been doing that! I've stayed out of the way! Seriously, I've-”

 

“-I don't mean that you're purposefully distracting him, I just mean that you're causing him a slight moral dilemma at the moment.”

 

“What do you mean?” Grantaire asked frowning. “How?”

 

“I'm assuming he's talked to you about how we're not going to be handing over the information to that horrible man?”

 

“Yeah.” Grantaire said, still thoroughly confused. “I told him I was fine with it.”

 

“He doesn't seem to think you are, despite what you said.”

 

“What does it matter what I want to do with that stuff anyway?” Grantaire shrugged, deflecting Combeferre's implication. “He's the leader. Oh, sorry- you guys are the leaders. It's not my decision, and it shouldn't be. I barely have an opinion about anything.”

 

Combeferre was quiet. It was clear from his expression that he clearly wanted to call Grantaire out on something. Grantaire was thankful that they were drawing closer to the hospital when something dawned on him.

 

“Wait a minute, are you telling me that he's considering handing everything over to that guy- despite being very clear that he's morally and ethically against it- just because there's a slight possibility that that's the direction I think we should go in?”

 

“Like I said, he's having a moral dilemma.”

 

“But why would he care what I think we should do?”

 

They had pulled up at the drop-off zone outside of the hospital, yet Combeferre was still determinedly looking ahead. “Because he cares about you.” He said quietly.

 

“I know that.” Grantaire said impatiently, thoroughly aware of the cars waiting for him to leave behind them. “But that doesn't explain why it could possibly change his opinion on something he's so strongly against.”

 

The sedan behind them beeped obnoxiously.

 

Combeferre smiled kindly at him. “I think you'd better go inside. You don't want Joly to think you're missing your appointment.”

 

Grantaire knew that he wasn't going to get a straight answer out of Combeferre. He sighed in defeat before flashing him a begrudging smile. “Thanks for the lift.” He said as he departed, waving his good arm.

 

Once he was directed to a waiting room by reception he pulled out his phone and decided to settle this himself.

 

_Me: Hey,_

_I know ur not convinved that im fine with what we talked about last nite but I am. Seriously. Its a little disappointing knowing that its not going to be a quick fix or anything but quick fixes usually dont work anyway and id rather not be the reason that everything goes to shit. So if ur still debating with urself about wat we should do (btw two enjolras' debating would be epic to watch but would also probs start a war, so thats a bad idea) dont cause im fine with it. Seriusly. Fine with it. FINE_  
F  
I  
N  
E

_and not like in a saying im fine way but secretly not being fine with it way. Im fine. Dont do the quick fix thing. Also fuck that guy he doesnt deserve to be given shit. Ur right and ur ways better (dont use that against me)_

 

_Delivered: 10:30am_

 

Grantaire didn't hesitate at all to press send. He had purposefully kept the message as vague as possible in case Enjolras was with the letter sender, he didn't for a second want him to think that Enjolras was untrustworthy.

 

Grantaire tried not to think about his phone, but he couldn't help but routinely check his messages every 10 seconds, waiting for Enjolras' reply. When his phone finally buzzed he anxiously opened the message.

 

_Enjolras:_

_R,_

_Thank you._  
So I'm guessing that you talked to Ferre? Its true I wasn't completely convinced last night. I wish we had a chance to talk more but by the time I got back you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you on a hunch.  
So you're sure you're FINE with this? (That's a joke btw. I'm referencing the amount of times you used the word fine in your message.)

_Also I would never willingly start a war, especially against myself that would be self-serving and a complete waste of resources._

_I'm coming back to the apartment now. Can we talk when I get back?_

 

_Received: 10:36am_

 

Grantaire found himself grinning like an idiot, he was about to begin his reply when a second message came through.

 

_Enjolras: P.S. I am definitely using that against you. I'm going to get it framed._

 

_Received 10:37am_

 

He had to stifle a laugh as he reminded himself that he was in a hospital.

 

_Me: You kno if u have to explain the joke then its not really a joke rite?_

_Yea ok but im not hearing u argue that it wouldnt be epic. Self serving? Yes. Waste of resources? Sure why not. Epic? No question about it._

_We can talk but im not at ur apartment rite now. Im at the hospital. Apparently u need a phd to cut plaster off an arm :( talk about a waste of resources_

_if u frame that thing im moving out_

 

_Delivered 10:40am_

 

Grantaire only realised after sending, when a sick feeling crawled back into his stomach that perhaps him moving out was the exact issue Enjolras was planning to talk about with him. He desperately wished he could take it back.

 

_Enjolras: Fine. It would probably be 'epic'. Still would never happen though._

_There are a lot of wasteful resources when it comes to government spending but providing people like yourself with proper medical after-care is not one of them. Also I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to use your phone in a hospital? So I'll stop messaging you after this.  
Maybe it's better if we talk tonight. I have a few more things to sort out and I don't want to rush this. _

_Fine. No frame then. :-)_

 

_received 10:44am_

 

So it wasn't an issue with Grantaire living there, then. Grantaire was at a loss of what else it could be. It was definitely an issue, Enjolras had practically stressed that to Combeferre last night. Now Grantaire would have to wait the whole day before he found out what it was.  
  
He was about to type out his reply to Enjolras, when a nurse called his name and told him to make his way into the X-ray room. He pocketed his phone, making his way into the room.

 

*

 

“This is a printout of a few physiotherapy exercises you can do at home to increase your arm's movement. It's going to be stiff for a few weeks so don't be alarmed if you can't get full extension right away.” The doctor said as he handed Grantaire a slip of paper, and a box of pills. “Now, those painkillers are weaker then the last ones you were prescribed, that's because the pain should be almost gone now. Only use them as needed as opposed to taking them hourly.”

 

Grantaire nodded.

 

“How does it feel?” The Doctor asked.

 

“Stiff. And weirdly tingly. And soft.”

 

“Everything will begin to feel a bit more normal in the next few days. No heavy lifting for 3 weeks and if you get any sharp shooting pains that last more then a few minutes make another appointment.”

 

Grantaire got up to leave. “Cool. Thanks.”

 

“Oh and Monsieur Grantaire? I can see in your file that the last doctor gave you a referral for therapy. How's that working out for you?”

 

Grantaire was struck suddenly by an anxious tightening in his chest. “Yeah it's fine. I've got another appointment tomorrow.” He lied.

 

“Good. Don't forget to contact us if you experience unbearable pain.”

 

“You mean my life?” Grantaire laughed at his own joke. The doctor looked at him sternly. “Just... Kidding... Umm. Bye” He said awkwardly as he turned on his heel and walked out the door.

 

 

 

 

Enjolras wasn't home when Grantaire let himself into the apartment, using the spare key that he'd been given and trying not to think of all the ways he could have fucked up.

 

Enjolras had an issue, seemingly with him, and it was the only thing he could think about.

 

He spent most of the day trying to distract himself, taking full advantage of the fact that he could now almost use his arm properly again. The novelty wore off quickly though once he realised that after a week of non-use it got sore and tired rather fast. He attempted to get some work done, but ended up mindlessly doodling instead.

 

By the time the sun began to set he was almost completely on edge. His mind had conjured up 1000 reasons and possibilities as to why Enjolras would have a problem with him, each one worse then the last. He found himself pacing in the lounge room when he finally heard the click of the door being opened.

 

“Grantaire?” Enjolras asked. “Why is it so dark in here?” He flicked the light on, flooding the room with warmth and clarity.

 

“Sorry.” Grantaire cringed. “I didn't even notice it.”

 

“Wow.” Enjolras said as he approached Grantaire, grabbing his right arm, inspecting it. “It must be a relief to finally have that thing off.”

 

“Yeah,” Grantaire laughed nervously, he hadn't been expecting Enjolras' touch and it had thrown him off guard. “Almost as good as new.”

 

Enjolras let go of his arm. “So...”

 

“You wanted to talk.” Grantaire said, feeling his chest tighten.

 

“Did you want to sit down?” Enjolras asked motioning to the couch.

 

“Do I need to sit down?” Grantaire asked before inwardly cringing. Why was he making this difficult for himself? “I'm just joking.” He said quickly when he realised Enjolras was about to answer.

 

He took a seat and Enjolras did too, he faced his body inwards to better face Enjolras. Who looked as though he was ready to make a speech. Grantaire was not mentally prepared for this.

 

“Do you remember the last thing I said to you, that night at the riot, before we took to the streets?”

 

Grantaire had not been expecting that.

 

He had also not been expecting the hurt that those memories brought back to him. He remembered the exact words Enjolras said, they were etched into his mind permanently. He'd repeated them to himself at his lowest points. There was no way Enjolras could know that though.

 

“Umm... Yeah.” Grantaire said clearing his throat, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. “You said that I was incapable of... Well lots of things...” He trailed off, unable to repeat the words out loud.

 

Enjolras nodded. “Firstly, I wanted to apologise for saying that.”

 

“You don't have to-”

 

“I do.” Enjolras said fiercely. “I was wrong. That was wrong of me to say and you don't deserve that. It took me a long time to see how wrong I can be, and even longer to see how inaccurately I can read a person. Especially a person like you. I never got you. But, I think I'm starting to get you now.”

 

Grantaire didn't know what to say, but Enjolras wasn't finished.

 

“And I want to apologise for never talking to you about it after the riot. We had the perfect opportunity at the perfect time and I fucked it up because I didn't know what to do. I was confused, and scared and ashamed for the way I treated you and I decided to avoid it instead. Then you began to avoid me, and avoid us, all of us, and I knew I'd made a mistake. But every time I tried to catch you, or corner you, it was like you had a radar or something. You were gone.”

 

“I didn't think you wanted to talk to me.” Grantaire said in a rough voice, he could feel a pressure at the back of his throat, and his emotions were on edge.

 

“I know. And I'm sorry.”

 

“So am I.” Grantaire said sincerely. “I guess we both kinda suck at this whole communication thing.”

 

Enjolras nodded glumly.

 

“Is that it?” Grantaire asked daring to feel a touch of relief.

 

Enjolras shook his head. “No... There's... Something else.”

 

Grantaire felt his chest tighten again. “Well, what is it?”

 

“It's just... I think... Well.. It's...” Enjolras sighed running a hand through his hair, the movement loosened his curls, making a stray one catch the tip of his ear.

  
Grantaire laughed nervously. “Wow. It must be something big. I don't think I've ever seen you tongue tied.”

 

Enjolras looked up at him. It was the same look that had been confusing and haunting Grantaire for the last few days, then one he couldn't pinpoint or connect. This time though it was mixed with a hint of determination.

 

“Fuck it.” Enjolras breathed.

 

In an instant he had moved forward, breaking the space between them, he pulled Grantaire towards him, crushing their lips together in a passionate tumble of determination and desperation.

 

Grantaire's entire brain was screaming as though it was about to shut down. It didn't make any sense. Enjolras was kissing him! _Enjolras! Him! Kissing_!

 

It was as though his entire mind and body rebooted suddenly, he was kissing back just as desperately, his hands reached to cradle Enjolras' head. He felt the softness of his curls, entwining his fingers hungrily around them. Enjolras' lips were soft but firm against his, and the way he moved his tongue against Grantaire's was practically poetry.

 

Then all of a sudden, it was over. Enjolras had broken them apart just as quickly as he had drawn them together.  
  


“I'm sorry.” He said getting to his feet and backing away. He wasn't looking at Grantaire. “That was a mistake. I'm-”

 

Before Grantaire had a chance to say anything, or even comprehend what had happened he was gone. Slamming the front door behind him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) <3 


	13. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The memory of Enjolras leaning towards him and pulling him in was replaying in his mind. None of it made sense, but in the moment it had felt right. Something clenched in his heart as he was hit suddenly with a sharp pang of hurt; It didn't feel right to Enjolras, or he wouldn't have pulled away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! You guys are the best! I never thought being called a horrible person could make me feel so good but there you go :)
> 
> Also please note this chapter has a slightly different format then the others in a few places in order to represent time passing. I'm always striving to be better so let me know if you think it's ineffective :)
> 
> We're almost at the finish line!!!

Grantaire stayed on the couch for what felt like a very long time. He was at a complete loss. He didn't understand. Everything had happened so quickly and out of nowhere, as though his dreams had come to life and had suddenly been snapped away by his nightmares. He raised his fingers to his lips. They were still tingling from the force in which Enjolras had pressed them.

 

The memory of Enjolras leaning towards him and pulling him in was replaying in his mind. None of it made sense, but in the moment it had felt right. Something clenched in his heart as he was hit suddenly with a sharp pang of hurt; It didn't feel right to Enjolras, or he wouldn't have pulled away.

 

_A mistake._

 

That's what he'd called it. His words echoed in the back of Grantaire's mind, taunting him and twisting at his stomach, he felt sick. Was he that repulsive to kiss?

 

_That was a mistake._

 

He clenched his fists and felt his heartbeat pulsating between his fingertips, it felt too fast and too panicked but he didn't care. He must have done something wrong. Something to upset him, or he wouldn't have left. _Oh god_ , he thought bringing his head down into hands and gripping his hair tightly, _I made him leave._

 

He'd come to terms with watching Enjolras from a distance years ago, accepting that nothing would ever happen and in the past week he'd made his peace with them just being friends and nothing more. Somewhere along the line he'd fucked it all up. Now what was going to happen? He couldn't imagine facing him ever again. Just the thought of confronting him, looking him in the eyes was making his breathe short and his chest hurt.

 

He had to get out of here. There was no way he could stay there for another minute let alone another day, another week, another month. It was all coming crashing down upon him. He grabbed his phone from the coffee table and his parka, stuffing his hands into it's pocket he felt for the spare key Enjolras had given him and pulled it out, placing it centre on the kitchen bench. Without looking back he locked the door behind him and made his way to the street below.

 

His things could stay at Enjolras' forever as far as he was concerned, all he knew in that moment was that there was no turning back for him now.

 

Despite his mind tortuously relaying the scene back to him again and again, he couldn't figure out what he did wrong. After all it was Enjolras who had kissed him. But he'd kissed back, and moments later Enjolras left. He fucked up royally somewhere in between but he couldn't for the life of him figure out how. He tried not to let the memory of the warmth of Enjolras' touch falter him, to stay would mean to face him again and it would hurt too much to do so.

 

Maybe he was just repulsive. Unkissable. Unlovable...

 

The cold winter air hit him like a brick when he made his way out of the warm lobby, a chilly wind was strongly bustling him forward in the direction of his apartment. It seemed even nature was telling him to never go back.   
  


So he was back to avoidance again.

 

He was strangely okay with that. He knew eventually there'd come a point in his life where he'd stoop so low that he'd push away those who he cared about most, it seemed like he'd reached that point tonight.

 

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and a small part of him hoped for it to be Enjolras. He didn't even know what he wanted to hear from Enjolras. An apology? An explanation? A heartfelt confession of love? He pushed the last idea far into the back of his mind, cursing himself for even beginning to think it and scraping his palm with his nails. That was never going to happen.

 

The caller ID screen let him know Joly was calling him, and his heart sank further. Why would he even for a second think that Enjolras would want to contact him? He probably never wanted to see him again. He let the call ring out.

 

Minutes later a text message came through.

 

_A Joly Good Time_ : _How was your checkup? Is your arm as free as the people of france?_

 

_Received 6.19pm._

 

Again he ignored it, pocketing his phone deep within his parka. He was at a loss of what to do, or where to go. His apartment didn't seem like home anymore, it was too destroyed and broken and he'd never had the opportunity to properly accept Enjolras' place despite his growing comfort of being there. He was in limbo it would seem. He walked and walked, not paying attention to where his feet were taking him and letting his mind wander. He remembered a time where he used to feel this way often, and when he did there was only one place to turn to.

 

Crossing the street and heading for the bar across from him, he knew there was no turning back now. 4 months stone cold sober meant nothing to him now, and God how he wanted to forget.

 

He faltered however, just before the entrance an emotional force hit him like a tidal wave all of a sudden when he realised that never facing Enjolras almost certainly meant never being able to see him again. A pain ached inside of him and before he could stop them, hot tears began to stream down his face. He cut behind the bar, avoiding a group of laughing friends into a small alleyway and leaned hard against the brick wall sliding down until he not-so-gently hit the ground.

 

He'd truly and completely fucked up this time. The pain of seeing Enjolras longingly from a distance was nothing compared to not being able to see him at all.

 

He stayed there crying in the cold against the hard wall trying to figure out exactly what he'd done.

 

*

 

_A Joly Good Time: that was lame wasnt it? I can practically feel you cringing through the screen_

 

_Received 6:24pm_

 

_A Joly Good Time: by the way which doctor did u end up seeing? Was it the creepy german one cause he has some mad frankenstein vibes going on_

 

_Received 6:31pm_

 

_A Joly Good Time: Hey don't giv me the silent treatment if u got frankenstein ive got no control over that I just booked u in :(_

 

_Received 6:44pm_

 

_Missed call: A Joly good time. 6:58pm_

 

_Like a BOSSuet: Hey man, I hate to be 'that guy' but can u or enj pls reply to joly? I know your probably just busy or something but ever since last week he gets really paranoid when u go off grid. U should have seen him when u deleted your facebook. Im talking full freakout mode. We're heading over to Enjs now cause hes a little bit anxious/frazzled that ur both not picking up. (: soyeah sorry if were interrupting u or anything. Peace. (:_

 

_Received 7:17pm_

 

_A Joly Good Time: If you're not at Enjolras' place are u at yours again!?!?!? Please dont tell me u broke the buddy system rule..._

 

_Received 7:33pm_

 

_Missed call: Like a BOSSuet. 7:36pm_

 

_Missed call: A Joly Good Time. 7:40pm_

 

_Missed call: A Joly Good Time. 7:41pm_

 

_Missed call: Chetta Cheese. 7:42pm_

 

_A Joly Good Time: ANSWER! YOUR! PHONE!_

 

_Received 7:44pm_

 

_Missed call: Bah humbug. 7:51pm_

 

_Bah Humbug: YO IF YOU'RE ASLEEP IM ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL U. WHERE R U GUYS? FEUILLY N IVE BEEN KNOCKING ON ENJS DOOR FOR 10 MINS!!!!!!!!! NEIGHBOURS GETTING MAD AF_

 

_Received 7:59pm_

 

_A Joly Good Time: This is actually not funny. At all. Dont u dare say im overreacting u have no idea how scary it was the first time u disapeared. Im not mad just tell me where u r?????? please??? ive been to both apartments I dont kno wat to do please call me I know ur phone is on it rings out and u cant just disapear without telling us where u go. Its not fair. Im sorry im not mad I promise just tell me where u are?_

 

_Received 8:06pm_

 

_Bah humbug: CALLED ENJ SAID U SHOULD B HOME OK BUDDY WHERE R U?????!!!!!!!???_

 

_Received 8:10pm_

 

_A Joly good time: Where are you??????_

 

_Received 8:14pm_

 

_Like a BOSSuet: WHERE R U?_

 

_Received 8:15pm_

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:21pm_

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:22pm_

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:23pm_

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:24pm_

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:25pm_

 

_**Low Battery. Please plug in your phone.** _

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:26pm_

 

_Missed call: A Joly Good Time. 8:28pm_

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:30pm_

 

_Missed call: A Joly Good Time. 8:33pm_

 

_Missed call: Enjolras. 8:39pm_

 

_**Battery critically low. Charge your phone soon or it will turn off.** _

 

 

Grantaire stared at the notifications littering his lock screen. He hadn't been deliberately avoiding his phone, but the combination of the padding from his jacket and his fragile state of mind had prevented him from noticing the vibrations etching from his pocket.

 

He'd been so wrapped up in his own self pitying and melancholic thoughts that he hadn't realised just how much time had passed him by. Now he was shivering, damp, worn out and sore. And his phone was dying.

 

A cold guilt crushed him as he realised that he had once again fucked up and he hurried to unlock his phone to call his friends back and apologise, his fingers were shaking so much that the task was unexpectedly difficult.

 

Just as he navigated towards the contacts icon another call began to come through, making him almost drop his phone.

 

_A Joly Good Time Is Calling._

 

He hurried to answer it.

 

“Joly.” He tried to say, but his throat was sore and hoarse and it came out rough. He coughed harshly a few times, his chest wheezing from the chill.

 

He heard a sharp intake of breathe on the other end. “R, Thank God!” Joly breathed, Grantaire could hear the tension in his voice and felt another stab of guilt for what must have been going through his mind in the time he'd disappeared. “Are you arlight? Are you hurt? Where are you? We looked everywhere! Where are you?!”

 

“I'm fine.” Grantaire choked out trying to suppress the sob that was threatening to break in his throat. “I'm fine... I'm sorry...”

 

“You're not fine, I can tell. Tell me where you are, Grantaire. I'll take you home.”

 

“I don't know...” He said feeling oddly spacey. He was dehydrated from crying and his head was beginning to hurt. “There's an alley... And a bar.”

 

“Have you been drinking?!” Joly's voice went a pitch higher.

 

“Not yet...”

 

“What does that mean? Look, It doesn't matter. Find out where you are, I'll meet you there. Don't do anything. Stay there and don't leave.”

 

“Hang on a second.” With some difficulty he managed to get to his feet and began to head back to the street, trying to find an identifying familiar street sign or place that he could relay back to Joly. He could hear him in the background comsoling whoever he was with.

 

“He's fine. He's alright. He doesn't know where he is but he's finding out. _No_ , Enjolras just hold on a second I'm-”

 

Grantaire froze in his tracks. “Joly who are you with?”

 

“ _Hang on you guys_. What was that?”

 

“Are you with Enjolras?”

 

“Yeah, he's right here do you want to talk to-?”

 

Joly was cut off by a short melody. Grantaire moved his phone away from his ear to see the “Goodbye.” screen mocking him with a short animated graphic. He could only watch on helplessly as it switched itself off.

 

“No.” Grantaire breathed, desperately pressing in the on button again and again. It was hopeless. His phone was dead. “Shit.”

 

He knew what that must have looked like on the other end of the call. He could only imagine how the scene was playing out. Joly would be confused for a minute at the sound of dropped call, then he'd think that Grantaire had hung up on him- had hung up because of _Enjolras_. He'd almost certainly try to call again, not be able to get through and assume that Grantaire had deliberately turned his phone off to avoid Enjolras. And then-

 

And then Joly would ask Enjolras what happened.

 

He couldn't leave it like this. There was no way he was leaving it like this. He was done feeling sorry for himself, he was done with the miscommunication and the avoidance and the hiding. It was going to be painful but he had to talk to Enjolras.

 

He made his way further into the street, turning down the road until he found a place he recognised, getting his bearings he continued on towards his apartment. Judging by the last text message Joly sent he'd visited Grantaire's place last, and if Enjolras was with Joly then there was a good possibility they were still there.

 

He hurried along the pavement, ignoring the cold sensation spreading to his bones. He wasn't too far away now.

 

**5 Block to go**. He could clear everything up.

 

**4 Blocks to go**. He was going to apologise and ask Enjolras if they could talk, _really_ talk about what happened. What had happened anyway? Fucked if he knew. All he knew for sure was everytime he thought about it, there was just as much confusion as there was pain.

 

**3 Blocks to go**. He'd apologise to Joly and the others too. It wasn't fair that he made them worry about him. Not again. God, they were going to be so mad at him and he deserved whatever lectures were coming his way. They were never going to let him be left alone now, he'd be lucky to get bathroom privileges.

 

**2 Blocks to go**. Maybe rejection wouldn't be so bad once they cleared the air. Maybe it wouldn't feel like his soul was being crushed by an anvil. Maybe things could go back to normal. Whatever the hell normal was with them. Did they even have a normal?

 

**He could see his street.** He was going to fix things. Horrible, uncomfortable things, but he was going to fix them.

 

As his apartment block came into view he tried to ignore the growing nausea he felt, and how aware of his own heartbeat he was. Every step he took up to his floor pounded in his head. He didn't have a plan, he didn't know what to say, and he wasn't the type to believe in hope. But if he could fix things, maybe, just maybe there was the tiniest slither there.

 

After all, Enjolras did kiss him...

 

_He also called it a mistake._ A sharp ugly voice in the back of his mind bit back at him. _Honestly, do you blame him? It is you after all, he could never love you._

 

He shook the thoughts away, swallowing hard as he unlocked his door and swung it open. The room was swallowed in darkness. He switched the lights on, already feeling his resolve quiver.

 

“Joly?” He called out desperately.

  
He realised with a sense of dread that his apartment was empty and panic set in.

 

_It's okay... It will be okay... I can still fix this.._. He thought desperately.

 

He knew he had a spare charger lying around his apartment somewhere, and hurriedly kicked around a few sparse items on his floor. With his apartment in the state that it was in, it could be anywhere.

 

He finally spotted the white cord lying amongst a pile of broken CD's and snatched it up, plugging his phone in hastily.

 

“Come on... _Come ooooon._ You piece of shit turn on!” Grantaire seethed.

 

“I was beginning to think you didn't know how to use that thing.”

 

Grantaire spun around dropping his phone in surprise, it hit the carpet with a dull thud.

 

The last person he expected to see standing in his apartment was the young man from the van, and he felt his whole body freeze up as he stared at him.

 

“Don't be alarmed. I just wanted to talk to you alone,” The man said taking a step closer. “Unfortunately you're hardly ever alone.”

 

“Yeah well,” Grantaire said swallowing, forcing himself to stand his ground. “There's a reason for that.”

 

The man cocked his head, a slight smile on his lips. Grantaire noticed the middle of his nose was slightly crooked and sporting a dark bruise where Enjolras had punched him and couldn't help but feel a burst of cruel satisfaction.

 

“Is there a reason you're alone tonight?”

 

“What do you want?” Grantaire asked impatiently.

 

The man shrugged nonchalantly, kicking around a few of the discarded items at his feet. “I think you already know.”

 

Grantaire sighed heavily running his hand through his hair. He didn't have time for this. He had to fix things. “Names. Right. Well I don't know what to tell you. I don't have them. I never did. Now can you please get out of my apartment?”

 

He turned around and leaned over to pick up his phone which had finally turned itself back on. Before he could, a large boot came down, trapping his phone beneath it. Grantaire looked up to see the man's eyes cold and dangerous. “I'm getting really tired of this game.” He said in a low voice.

 

Grantaire got to his feet. “So am I.”

 

There was an unbroken tension in the air. Grantaire wasn't sure what was going to come next, words or punches.

 

It turned out neither, a loud rapping on Grantaire's door made them both look over. Grantaire's heart skipped a beat half hoping that one of his friends were on the other side. However when the door opened a second later an unfamiliar burly man entered, followed by another young man.

 

“Who the fuck are you?”

 

“I told you to wait downstairs” He frowned facing the door, careful not to take his foot off Grantaire's phone.

 

“We've got a problem.” The younger man said ignoring Grantaire completely. “There's talk it leaks tonight. We need to move fast.”

 

“I'm done being nice.” The man from the van said directing his attention to Grantaire. He took his boot off the phone, snatching it up. “At the end of tonight Paris will be changed. Either way, we'll still be on the streets by morning, but its up to you if you want to make it easy for us or incredibly difficult. I'm warning you right now, we're good friends to have but we're worse enemies. Our offer still stands.”

 

“Go to hell. I told you, I don't have shit.”

 

“No...” The man said slowly. “ _You_ don't.”

 

“What-?” realisation dawned on Grantaire when he realised the man was opening his phone. “What are you doing?”

 

“Talking to your boyfriend. I have a feeling we can appeal to some of his more _protective_ senses.”

 

“Wha-?” Before Grantaire could finish his sentence he felt two heavy hands grab his shoulders, pulling him backwards. “Get off me!” He yelled, attempting to hit back but his arms were locked at his side by the strong grip holding him. He wanted to yell but the second young man slapped his hand over his mouth before he could. Grantaire's mind was panicking, his body desperately fighting to get away, all he could think was _not again._

 

“We could have done this the easy way.” The man glared at him, holding his phone up. “Hold him still.”

 

Grantaire's head was pulled back suddenly, out of the corner of his eye he saw the flash of his camera and heard the unmistakeable _click clack_ a message being typed out on his phone. He tried desperately to get free but it was futile. His phone whooshed as the message sent.

 

“And now we wait.” The man said cooly, looking expectantly at Grantaire who glared back at him.

 

Grantaire felt a chill run down his body that had nothing to do with the cold he'd been exposed to. He waited breathlessly for the inevitable ringing of his phone, the hands against his arms tightening their grip.

 

The sharp clear melody of his ringtone came through, making his heart ache in his chest, he'd stopped trying to struggle free, watching helplessly as the man answered.

 

“Hello Enjolras.” He drawled unpleasantly. “I believe we both have things that the other wants.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another cliffhanger ending <3


	14. Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're okay, you're going to be okay. He desperately tried and failed to reason with himself. He knew if he wanted to be able to breathe he'd have to calm down. But he was failing to do so and beginning to hyperventilate. If he continued on like this he knew he'd pass out soon, which was something he was horribly frightened of. He'd rather be awake and aware of his horrible fate then unknowing and at the mercy of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys so much. Thank you for your patience<3 
> 
> I can't believe after this there's only one chapter to go!

There was too much going on too quickly. Grantaire was being dragged away into the confines of his bedroom whilst at the same time the young man who was silencing him was pulling a roll of duct tape out of his coat pocket. As he kicked out and struggled desperately to get free he was also trying to hear the phone call with Enjolras.

  
He could only catch bits and pieces of the conversation as he felt a the tape wrap around his mouth, silencing any chance he had to scream out.

 

“No, _you_ listen to me. This is what's going to happen-”

 

“Do his hands as well. I'm not holding him all night.” He heard the burly man say as he was forced into the bedroom.

 

“Hold him still.” Said the other man behind him, there was a shift as one of them kicked his legs out, forcing him to his knees. A second pair of hands began to bind his own.

 

“-Half an hour or I'm telling the others exactly where to find him,” He could barely hear the man talking to Enjolras as he strained his ears. “I can promise that you won't find him in one piece once they know.”

 

Grantaire's breathe was hot and heavy against the tape on his lips, he closed his eyes, ignoring the footsteps exiting the bedroom, the voices outside the door and the pain in his right arm from the angle it was bent in. He focused on steadying his breathing, an effort that was harder then it sounded when he was panicked and half of his airways were blocked by tape.

 

_You're okay, you're going to be okay._ He desperately tried and failed to reason with himself. He knew if he wanted to be able to breathe he'd have to calm down. But he was failing to do so and beginning to hyperventilate. If he continued on like this he knew he'd pass out soon, which was something he was horribly frightened of. He'd rather be awake and aware of his horrible fate then unknowing and at the mercy of the night.

 

Just as he was beginning to give up on the idea of breathing, he heard someone approaching. He opened his eyes as they stopped in front of him.

 

The man had Grantaire's phone in hand, Grantaire realised with a start that the call screen was still active, and furtively tried to say something, to reach Enjolras somehow, all that came out though was a few muffled grunts and noises. The man crouched down to his level, smiling tauntingly.

 

“Relax.” He said cooly. “I'll let you two talk. But if I was you I'd be quick about it.. You're on a time limit and it starts from now.”

 

Grantaire stared at him, his breathing steadying, the man put the phone to his ear and Grantaire struggled to hold it there with his shoulder. A harsh sting enveloped his mouth as he ripped the tape off with no regard.

 

“Grantaire?”

 

Enjolras' voice was tense and distressed sounding, but the sound of it drenched him in warmth and relief. Suddenly everything around him disappeared, the rope that bound him, the others in the room, the horrible hopeless feeling in the pit of his stomach; all of it gone at the sound his voice.

 

“Enjolras,” Grantaire croaked, his own voice softening. “I'm sorry.”

 

“Don't.” He heard Enjolras choke out, the usual resolve in his tone completely shattered. “Listen, we're coming for you alright? You don't have to worry about anything. We'll be there soon.” Grantaire heard him take a deep breath through the phone. “Have they hurt you?”

 

“Not yet.” Grantaire said trying not to let his emotions get the better of him, he was barely holding in his tears. “Enjolras?” He asked.

 

“Please don't say I'm sorry again.” Enjolras' voice was desperate and pained.

 

“I love you.”

 

He didn't know what made him say it, but the words easily came out as though he'd said them every day. He supposed he had said them every day, in his mind, in his fantasies, but never aloud, never to Enjolras. Perhaps it was the fear of death, or the prospect of never seeing him again, or maybe he just felt as though his heart didn't have the capability to hurt more then it already was hurting.

 

The phone was snatched away from him before he could hear Enjolras' reply. “That's five minutes you just wasted.” The man said into it before hanging it up. He hastily placed the tape over Grantaire's mouth again and the brief escapism that Enjolras' voice provided dissipated just as quickly as it had arrived.

 

Grantaire tried desperately to get some of the comfort back, he let his mind remember every aspect of the way Enjolras spoke, every curve of his speech patterns and the way he rolled his tongue on certain syllables. The words of the last week in his company washed over him like a warm embrace.

 

_Of course I care about you,...You're wrong by the way... I do... Like you...I just want to be able to keep you safe..._

 

His thoughts were sharply interrupted when he realised that the man was still using his phone to call somebody else.

 

“Nicolas, it's Romain. You won't believe who finally came out of hiding.” A pause, and then. “That's right. The idiot came back to his apartment by himself. No, definitely alone, I was trailing him for 3 blocks. Get over here in ten minutes I don't doubt his friends will be by soon after.”

 

A cold dread fell to the pit of Grantaires stomach. If his hunch was correct then Nicolas was the man with the knife, and the young man, Romain as he'd called himself had just told him where to find Grantaire. He'd arrive long before Enjolras and the others get to him. Who knew what they would do to him in the meantime. He lifted his heavy head up to Romain only to be met with a contentious sneer.

 

“I warned you we were worse enemies. You should have listened.” With a final spiteful stare he crossed the room, closing the door behind him.

 

Grantaire was alone again.

 

Alone with his thoughts and his mistakes and the bleak acceptance that once more things did not look good for his fate.

 

There was only really one moment in his life that he looked back on without an ounce of regret. Amongst the horrible feeling he had that all was lost and the inescapable anguish he had about the way the night had played out his mind retreated into the ecstasy of the one memory he'd be happy to die with. In fact in the moment he thought he would die with it being his last memory. He would have been at peace with it if he had. But fate had been cruel and spared their lives. Of course he wouldn't be granted the kindness of dying hand in hand with Enjolras. No, this fate; alone, regretful and in the aftermath of fucking up completely... It suited him better.

 

 

_There was fire in the streets. The people had never joined them, but they had taken advantage of the disquiet and confusion to riot and loot the neighbouring stores around the area the protest was held in. In the coming weeks they'd probably be associated with that blame._

 

_But in the coming weeks it wouldn't matter, for they'd all be dead or arrested. That much was clear now. Grantaire had awoken violently after he'd slumped once more into a drunken stupor; the aftermath of a particularly unkind conversation with Enjolras. His last conversation with Enjolras if the horrible gut feeling in his stomach was correct._

 

_He hurried out of the café, praying to a God he didn't believe in that he wouldn't be unfortunate enough to stumble upon the bodies of the ones he cherished most. He turned upon hearing a familiar voice. In the distance Feuilly was being dragged away by two officers, kicking and screaming and trying his best to escape their grips. A baton came down on him hard and they disappeared behind a crowd._

 

_He heard his desperate cry of “Long live the people!” before he was completely gone._

 

_Grantaire was about to run after him when his attention was turned upwards towards another yell._

 

“ _Get off him. Get away from him. **Combeferre! Stop!** ” Courfeyrac was screaming from atop of a building. Grantaire could not see what was happening, but he could hear the desperation and fear in Courfeyracs voice._

 

“ _Come with me son, hurry, before they see you.” An old man with white brushed hair was dragging a bloody faced and semi-concious Marius away into the safety of the dark._

 

_Everywhere he turned there was chaos. He wanted to save his friends but every time he made his way towards one another seemed to be in peril._

 

_He didn't want to think of what could have happened to the ones he couldn't find._

 

_He hurried along the pavement, pushing past the looters, avoiding the police wearing gear that was much too dramatic for responding to a simple street protest. Something had gone wrong. This was not Enjolras' plan._

 

“ _It's him! That's the leader! Corner him.” He heard a rough voice call out amongst the loud chaos, as clear as though it was calling to himself._

 

_Enjolras was standing there, the staff that held his flag had split, and now all that remained was half of a stick which he brandished as though it was a sword. There was only a small distance between him and the riot police. For somebody who was cornered, helpless and about to lose he looked defiant and proud as though he had already defeated them._

 

_**No.** _

 

“ _We should shoot him.” He heard one of the officers say in a tone that should have been too quiet to hear. “After all he's done nobody would doubt that it wasn't self defence.”_

 

_**No.** _

 

“ _Wait!” He heard himself cry out, his feet were moving him towards Enjolras, towards the pointed guns, towards death without a second thought._

 

_Miraculously they did. Whether out of confusion of his sudden appearance or a question of his identity he couldn't say._

 

_He finally reached Enjolras, his expression softened slightly by apprehension. There was no hesitation in Grantaire. He knew exactly where his fate lay._

 

“ _I'm with them. It's cleaner to kill us both.” He looked calmly towards the leader, if he could grant Enjolras one last thing it was to let him give him an order that he couldn't fail to carry out. “With your permission” He said with a breathe._

 

_Enjolras nodded and smiled approvingly at him, dropping the broken staff at his feet and taking Grantaire's hand in his own, pressing his hand gently. At that moment Grantaire had no doubt that he was going to die because he knew he'd already seen heaven._

 

_Enjolras pushed the hand that wasn't holding Grantaire's into a fist and punched it towards the air, giving the police one last defiant look. Grantaire's fear made him want to close his eyes, but he forced them to stay open and to look at Enjolras with tenderness and love one last time..._

 

_The bullets never came._

 

_Instead there was a sudden wave of people. Activists. Protesters. A few journalists. The people had finally joined them. Just as Enjolras had always said they would. The police had witnesses now, they weren't going to shoot two unarmed youths when they could just as easily arrest them without controversy._

 

_They were separated, handcuffed, thrown into different police cars, and Grantaire remembered the touch of Enjolras' hand, the way he'd looked at him softly for the briefest amount of time. To die that way would not have been so bad..._

 

 

“What happened to telling them you weren't on our side? I thought that was the plan?” He heard a cold familiar voice ask outside his bedroom door. He had to repress a shudder as the memories associated with it came back to him in a rush.

 

“They didn't buy it. I took charge of the situation-”

 

“No, what you've done is give them a reason to not hand over anything! How hard is it to make a bunch of idiotic schoolboys trust you?”

 

_Tap. Tap._

 

Grantaire wondered where the tapping noise could be coming from. It sounded vaguely like something soft hitting glass.

 

“This way was quicker! They're coming now and they're going to give us everything!”

 

“Or they'll want your blood!”

 

“It's happening tonight! I had to act fast! Do you want to get to people like Lingrove before the cops do or do you want to be taken down with him?”

 

_Tap, Tap, Tap._

 

It almost sounded as though it was coming from inside the bedroom instead of from Grantaire's living room where the two men were arguing.

 

“What I wanted was for you to follow the orders you were given instead of acting like a you run this operation!”

 

_Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap._

 

Grantaire looked around the room, trying to find the source of the noise and drowning out the voices on the other side of the door. When his gaze found the small bedroom window his eyes locked with another's.

 

There, peering in his window was the unmistakeable face of Bahorel. Grantaire's heart leapt and he had never been so relieved to see his friends face. Bahorel looked as though he was leaning over the fire escape of Grantaire's building in order to see through the window. Even if there were a safe way for him to try and get in there was no way he'd fit through it.

 

Grantaire nudged his head pointedly in the direction of the door. On the other side of the fire escape was another window slightly hidden from view, one that Bahorel might have more luck with. Bahorel shot him a brief thumbs up before disappearing from view.

 

This was it. Maybe all hope wasn't lost after all. If they had come up the fire escape maybe they had a plan that wouldn't involve a fight...

 

Just as this thought passed through him he heard glass shatter and all hopes of being rescued without confrontation disappeared. He would have cringed were he physically capable.

 

There were a few confused shouts, something breaking, the unmistakeable sound of flesh hitting flesh hard. The suspense of not knowing what was happening outside the door was making him sick.

  
All of a sudden there were more voices. _The voices of his friends!_ He realised with a start, and his heart leapt into his throat.

 

There was no way to tell whose punches were hitting who, and with the increasingly chaotic noises, yells and crashes coming from the opposite side of the door he couldn't help the increasing feeling of fear that crept up on him. If any of his friends were hurt or God forbid _died_ tonight it would all be his fault. He wasn't worth this.

 

Suddenly the bedroom door flew open and he was greeted with a slightly battered but otherwise grinning Bahorel hurrying over to him.

 

“Don't make this a habit bro,” He said as he not-so-gently ripped the tape from Grantaire's mouth. “You'll give Joly a heart attack.”

 

“What's happening? Is everybody alright?” Grantaire asked panicked. Bahorel pulled a pocket knife out of his jeans and began to hack at the tape wrapped around Grantaire's hands.

 

“I think my distraction gave us an advantage but-”

 

“Bahorel!” Grantaire screamed.

 

The burly man had ran into the room, glass bottle raised and ready to strike. Bahorel turned around just in time, tackling him around the knees and bringing him down. As they tried to attack each other they were edging more and more backwards. The man used all of his strength to run at Bahorel, forcing him out of the bedroom and out of Grantaire's line of vision.

 

His hands were not yet completely free and he was desperate to get out of his restrains and see what was going on, and more importantly help out his friends.

 

He pulled his hands in opposite directions, the tear in the tape that Bahorel had started stretching and straining against the pressure. With one last pull he was finally able to free himself completely.

 

“YOU!” A furious voice roared. Grantaire looked up to see Nicolas standing in the doorway. One hand holding the same knife that pierced his skin a week ago and the other holding a damp rag. Grantaire's entire body froze up at the sight of it.

 

He was advancing towards Grantaire who only had enough time to get to his feet before Nicolas had reached him, knife raised.   
  
Without thinking he grabbed Nicolas' arm before the knife could come down on him- a mistake in hindsight, for it made the man angrier and left his free hand ready to silence Grantaire with the cloth. Grantaire only just held up his other arm in time, preventing the cloth from touching his lips and pursing them in protest. He tried desperately not to breath in whatever chemicals were surely on the rag but found his ability to wavering as his strength began to falter.

 

He couldn't hold onto him for much longer... He couldn't hold his breathe for much longer... The knife was inching closer to his neck.

 

**WHACK.**

 

A force coming from behind them struck Nicolas with such intensity that it sent them both falling to the floor. Grantaire gasped out in surprise, accidentally breathing into the rag as he went down.   
  
Nicolas was being pulled off of him and Grantaire tried to get to his feet but found himself collapsing against the wall when he tried.

 

He had to stay awake.

 

He looked up to where Nicolas' body had been dragged away. Enjolras was kneeling over him, his face wrapped in fury, his eyes sharp and horrible and focused on one thing; his fist connecting with the man's face.

 

Another and another and another, his fist just kept coming down on him, each one connecting with a harsh sound.

 

“Enj-” He mumbled out. He was losing focus. Unsure of how much of the chemical he'd actually inhaled, but he was sure it had been enough judging by the way his eyes were getting heavy and his body was relaxing against his will.

 

At the sound of his name Enjolras stopped, his fist raised mid-air and his face softening the moment their eyes met. He scrambled upwards towards Grantaire, kneeling next to him and taking his face in his hands.

 

“Are you alright?! Did they hurt you?” Enjolras' eyes were darting over him, looking for some sign of pain.

 

“I'm okay...” He said, his words were slurring and the effort of staying awake was making his head hurt. But he couldn't help the soft smile spreading on his face. “You came back.”

 

“Grantaire, stay with me. _Please._ ” Grantaire couldn't understand why Enjolras sounded so distressed. He raised a heavy hand to Enjolras face and the effort of keeping his eyes open was finally too much for him. Enjolras leaned into the touch, a pleading noise escaping him.

 

“I'm okay, Enjolras.” Grantaire mumbled, his body shutting down. “You're here.”

 

As he drifted off into unconsciousness, he felt something soft touch his cheek, and then all of a sudden everything was black.

 


	15. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He'd promised himself that he would do so; that he was done with running, done with hiding, done with avoidance, but now that the moment was finally getting closer, he didn't know if he had the strength. It was a strange revelation, that after everything he had been through this was the thing that frightened him the most."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow you guys. This is so cool! I can't believe we're at the end.
> 
> If you're interested, I did make a playlist for this chapter: http://vivalamusaine.tumblr.com/post/145251090792/ok-so-i-cant-give-you-guys-the-next-chapter-of
> 
> I want to thank all of you so much for encouraging me with your kind words, kudos and private messages on tumblr. I honestly could not have finished it without you.
> 
> I'd like to dedicate this last chapter to my crew: Sara, Courtney, Caitlin and Holden. <3
> 
> This chapter is very long and almost double the length of a normal chapter!

Lights were flashing, or at least, lights were passing. He could see the flashes of brightness form beneath his eyelids. Muffled voices were speaking in tones that sounded familiar and soft. There were vague recollections of moments past dancing frantically away from Grantaire.

 

Conciousness was coming into focus now, and like the first time it had happened his senses seemed to be waking up one at a time. The soothing voice of Joly muttering words he couldn't comprehend, the touch of a hand in his hair, a rather pine like calming scent around him, and finally; he was able to open his eyes. His vision blurring a little and wavering before a sharp image of Joly's worried face looking down on him appeared.

 

Joly let out a shaky but relieved exhale, and the hand in Grantaire's hair softened a little.

 

“You're a jerk.” Joly said in a small voice wiping a tear away with the back of his hand.

 

It was too much effort to try and force an apology out of his sore and heavy throat, instead he used every last inch of his strength to sit up and pull Joly into a tight hug. His head was pounding relentlessly, and his arms felt heavy but Joly squeezed him back.

 

“I'm sorry.” He was finally able to choke out. Joly's grip on him tightened, but he didn't say anything.

 

By the time they broke apart, his head was feeling somewhat less like a hornets nest, and he took in his surroundings. They were in the back-seat of Combeferre's car, driving along an unfamiliar road. Grantaire looked towards the front seat to see Combeferre eyeing him concernedly in the rear-view mirror.

 

“Where are we going?” He managed to ask weakly, leaning his head against Joly's shoulder. He had to close his eyes to stop the spinning sensation from taking hold of him. “What happened?”

  
“ _You're_ going to the hospital. Joly and I are making one last ditch attempt to get the information we need before this situation gets any worse. As for what happened-” Combeferre paused for a second sounding as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Taking a deep breathe in he continued, his voice calm and steady. “We don't know. We haven't heard. As soon as we were able to get you out of there we left and didn't look back.”

 

Grantaires opened his eyes and looked towards the drivers seat to see Combeferre's gaze pointedly focused on the road ahead, his grip on the steering wheel unusually tight and his knuckles almost white.

 

“Hospital?” He asked dumbly. “No I can't. I... We... The others- we have to help them.”

 

“You're not going back there.” Joly said, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, his grip as firm as his tone, as though they were in some kind danger of Grantaire making a run for it from inside the car. “And you're going to the hospital. I don't know if you're at all aware of this but it's not exactly healthy to be drugged into unconsciousness.”

 

“I'm _fine_.” Grantaire said. Joly let out a bitter laugh.

 

“That,” He said coldly “Is the most unconvincing lie I've ever heard.”

 

Grantaire blinked at him in disbelief. “What?”

 

“Oh come on, Grantaire.” Joly said exasperatedly releasing his grip on him to better express himself with his hands. “Are we just going to pretend that you didn't just disappear for two and a half hours?! Or that Enjolras was ignoring us for a full hour before he even answered his phone? And I know for a fact he was getting my messages. What the hell happened? I mean I've never met two people who are worse at communication, two people who are so irresponsible-”

 

“Joly.” Combeferre cut in, his voice firm but kind. “I agree, alright? Enjolras is an idiot and Grantaire is a dumbass but this isn't the time to discuss it.”

 

“Wow. Okay. Rude.” Grantaire said frowning. Joly looked as though he still had a lot to say, but he silently resolved to cross his arms across his chest and pout instead. Grantaire's thoughts weren't with Joly being upset with him or the fact that the group had still somehow not obtained the information they so sorely needed, they were back at his apartment, where the others were left to their own devices. He thought of Bahorel and especially of Enjolras and his chest felt tight at the thought of what could be happening to them. They had come back for him, he couldn't just leave them there.

 

“Listen, alright?” He said rubbing his temple “I'm not going to the hospital. I don't need medical attention. I know you don't believe me but honestly I _am_ fine! You need to turn the car around and we need to help-”

 

“Grantaire I really don't think that's a good idea.” Combeferre said “If you're so against it we won't take you to the hospital right away-” Joly made a small noise of protest. “But you're not going anywhere where you could potentially put yourself and us in even more danger.” Combeferre said with finality. “Not that we're blaming you or anything.” He added quickly.

 

“Then let me come with you guys.” Grantaire said desperately. There was nothing that he'd be able handle less then pacing somebodies place by himself and wondering about the fate of his friends. It was bad enough having to sit here with Joly and Combeferre knowing that they hadn't heard anything, but to only have his own mind strangle him with worries and ' _what if_ ' scenarios would be torture.

 

Joly and Combeferre were quiet for a moment, and Grantaire took that to mean that they hadn't completely dismissed it as an option.

 

“I'd like to talk to this guy.” Grantaire continued. “Maybe if I can tell him first hand everything they've done they'll believe us when we say that we can be trusted.”

 

He seriously doubted that he could be anywhere as convincing as Enjolras, in fact he had no faith in his idea at all. But if it meant providing a distraction for a while until they heard from the others then he could pretend to believe in it.

 

Combeferre side-eyed Joly in the rear-view mirror and the two of them seemed to be having a silent conversation.

 

“It's not the worst idea-” Combeferre started.

 

“-But you shouldn't be doing anything.” Joly finished. “I'm sorry R, but you need to rest.”

 

“I'm not going to get any rest if I have to stay by myself and worry about you all!” Grantaire said louder then he intended to. He was anxious and scared and his mind was already beginning to go to some horrible places thinking about his friends. “You have to let me help. _Please_ ” He added weakly.

 

Joly looked at him in a way that seemed to be caught between worry and sympathy. Grantaire hated receiving these looks from anybody but they were especially terrible from Joly.

 

“Well if you think it would help...” He said hesitantly and Grantaire's heart rose in his chest.

 

“But let us do the talking, alright? No offence, but you're pretty good at unintentionally antagonising people” Combeferre added.

 

“Yeah, of course.” Grantaire said feeling immensely relieved.

 

“Are you sure you're up to it?” Joly asked quietly.

 

“It's better than the alternative.” Grantaire muttered, leaning back in his seat and trying not to concentrate to let his thoughts wander back to his apartment.

 

*

  
The complex that Combeferre had pulled up to had no discernible qualities whatsoever, it was just like all the others on the block; old, plain and slightly run-down. It was strange to Grantaire that a place so bland and seemingly normal was currently harbouring the reason for all the dramatic events that had unfolded in the last week.

 

They climbed the steps in a tense silence, Combeferre leading the way. Grantaire wondered what kind of person was holding their destiny. After all, if they weren't successful in obtaining the information who knew how long this could last?

 

Grantaire suddenly had a grotesque image of his future flash before him; always looking over his shoulder, always anxious, his friends always getting hurt. He had a strange sensation of deja vu. An urge took hold of him suddenly as Combeferre knocked on the door. He had to do something.

 

“Maybe he's not in.” Combeferre muttered.

 

Grantaire pushed past him, ignoring the protests from the other two as he opened the unlocked door and forced himself inside the small apartment.

 

He walked fast and determinedly into the strangely bare room, it appeared as though whoever lived here could pack what limited possessions they had up and leave at a moments notice.

 

“Grantaire what are you doing?!” Joly hissed behind him.

 

“So you're Grantaire, then.” Came a gruff voice from the kitchen. Grantaire spun around to see a tired looking middle aged man with thinning hair standing by the island counter. “I was wondering if he'd ever actually bring you over. The amounts of times he's talked about you. Where is Enjolras, anyway?”

 

Grantaire was a little taken aback by the man's directness, however he did suppose that he couldn't say anything on the matter, considering he'd just walked straight into a strangers apartment.

 

“Enjolras isn't here.” Grantaire said looking him directly in the eye. Joly and Combeferre were watching apprehensively from the door way, unsure whether or not they should approach or stand their ground.

 

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Then you're out of luck, son. I'm not talking to anybody without Enjolras here. I don't know you from a stranger on the street. You could have no association.”

 

Grantaire tried not to let the bitter laugh building in his throat escape. Sometimes (very rarely) he wished he did have no association with Enjolras. It sure as hell would have made his life a lot easier.

 

“Enjolras isn't here because he's currently over at my apartment, fighting the same men who desperately want your information, the ones who kidnapped me in the first place.” Grantaire said as evenly as he could. He hoped the way his hands were shaking wasn't too obvious.

 

“Is that so?” The man asked in a slightly mocking tone, obviously unconvinced.

 

“Yeah.” Grantaire continued. He couldn't explain the feeling that was taking hold of him. It felt strangely familiar, as though a fire was burning in his chest and urging him on. He had felt it once before. “You see, I know that for whatever reason you've got major trust issues or whatever... And hey, I don't blame you. This whole city is filled with fucked up people. But you reached out to us, and we want to help you. And every minute that you haven't given us what you know people have gotten hurt.”

 

“Is that supposed to scare me?”

 

“No. It's just a fact.” Grantaire said firmly. “You've watched the news. You've spoken to Enjolras. You know who I am.” He continued, taking a step towards the man and placing his hands on the counter, he lowered his voice not breaking eye contact. “Did you know that they took me again, tonight?”

 

The man shifted his weight to his other foot looking slightly uncomfortable.

 

“They asked Enjolras to give them your information in exchange for me.” He went on. “You know what he did instead? He stormed the place with my friends and attacked them. He's still there right now, I have no idea if they...” Grantaire swallowed for a second pushing the horrible thought of Enjolras dying aside. “I have no idea if they're even okay.” He finished quietly. “I bet he didn't even try to ask for it tonight, did he?”

 

“No.” The man admitted hesitantly. “He didn't.”

 

“I don't care if you don't trust _me,_ but Enjolras is nothing if he doesn't stand for what he believes in. It's stupid, but he'd rather put himself at risk then betray Paris. And he knew that if these people had your information that's exactly what he'd be doing.”

 

The man was eyeing him carefully. Joly and Combeferre now seemed to be set on staying by the door, they looked as though they were both holding their breath.

 

“I don't believe people are inherently good, so I get your mistrust. Really, I do.” Grantaire said “But I believe in Enjolras. And if there's any hands you can trust your secrets in, it's his.”

 

Grantaire stared down the man, willing his confidence to remain unwavering, if not just for the next few minutes. The man rubbed the rough stubble on his chin before moving towards a cupboard in the corner of the room. Grantaire grew tense for a moment, wondering if he was going to threaten them if they didn't leave.

 

“Well he was right about you.” The man said in a semi annoyed voice. He opened the doors and typed in a number combination to a small safe on the top shelf. “You do have the capability of being tenacious.”

 

Grantaire waited tensely for the man to turn around, he expected to be faced with a gun or something similar, but instead the man produced a small flash drive from the safe and held it out towards him.

 

“That,” he said gruffly “Contains everything you need to know to properly expose these scoundrels. It nearly cost me my life to compile it.”

 

“Thank you.” Grantaire said taking it, slightly stunned that it his speech had worked.

 

“I'll never understand why you kids get mixed up in these things.” He grumbled, gesturing for Grantaire to make a move on. “You've got death wishes, the lot of you. I hope for your sake Enjolras gets out of this unscathed.”

 

“My sake?”

 

“Kid, would you just get out of here already? You're holding a time-bomb and you want to stand around and talk about your feelings?”

 

“Thank you, Monseuir!” Combeferre called out from the door as Grantaire hurriedly made his way over.

 

“I can't believe you.” Joly whispered as they shut the door behind them. “Who even are you?”

 

Grantaire suppressed a smile and tossed the small USB towards Combeferre. “I'm assuming you know what to do with that.” Grantaire said making his way down the stairs two steps at a time. “Because I have no idea.”

 

“You know Grantaire, when I said that Joly and I would do all the talking-”

 

“Are you seriously going to lecture me?”

 

“Actually,” Combeferre said, clasping a hand on his shoulder and giving him a warm smile. “I was going to say that that was a mistake. Although, Enjolras is going to be pretty upset when he finds out you got that out of him in five minutes when he's been trying for three days.”

 

Grantaire's chest tightened at the mention of Enjolras, and he wondered exactly what was going on back at his apartment. Surely they would have contacted them by now? What if they hadn't contacted them because they couldn't? What if Nicolas had the chance to call more of his associates and his friends were outnumbered?

 

A million horrible scenarios were playing out in his mind as they got back into the car. Joly was asking him something, but he wasn't listening. They could be hurt, they could be dead, and all because of him...

 

“Grantaire?”

 

“Huh?” He asked forcing himself to snap out of it.

 

“I asked would you mind if we took you to the hospital now?”

 

“Why would you... I told you I'm fine.” Grantaire said shaking his head. “I don't need the hospital.”

 

“Grantaire, I know we can't force you to go-” Combeferre tried to reason.

 

“Why are we even discussing this? We have to go back to my apartment and help the others.”

 

“R-”

 

“-I know you said we weren't going back there, but they haven't called us yet which means they're obviously not okay and they need our help. Aren't you worried?”

 

“Grantaire, I'm terrified,” Combeferre said sternly. “Of course I'm worried about our friends. But if we go back there now, especially after getting this we'll just make things worse” He started up the car and began to drive away.

 

“They'll call Grantaire.” Joly said softly, his voice shaking slightly. Grantaire wondered if Bossuet had been among those at his apartment. Apart from Bahorel and Enjolras, he had no idea who else had been there, he'd heard other voices but couldn't make them out in the chaos. He knew better than to ask.

 

The drive back was quiet and tense, Grantaire couldn't help but notice Joly unlocking and locking his phone every few seconds.

 

They had pulled up to Enjolras' apartment complex and were making their way inside when Combeferre's phone began to ring, making them all stop in their tracks. He picked it up almost instantly.

 

“Courf?” He asked almost uncertainly. His face breaking into a relieved smile a few seconds later at the reply coming through the phone. “Hold on, I'm going to put you on speaker phone, okay?”

 

“ _Heyyyy,_ you guys.” The unmistakable sound of Courfeyrac's tired yet somehow still upbeat voice ran through Grantaire like warm soup on a cold day.

 

“What happened?” Joly asked quickly, almost snatching the phone from Combeferre's hand. “Is everyone alright?”

 

“How did I know that question was coming?” Courfeyrac asked sounding hesitant.

 

“Courf! tell us now!”

 

“Don't freak out okay? Technically we're going to be fine.”

 

“Technically?” Grantaire asked panicked. “What the hell does that mean?”

 

“Are you sure I should be on speaker-phone for this Ferre?”

 

“Courfeyrac!”

 

“Alright, fine. We're all pretty bruised up and heading over to the hospital, but Bahorel's in the worst shape. He needs stitches, his head was cut open on a chair. Apparently it's not the first time, either. We're also pretty sure he's broken his leg. Feuilly may or may not have a slight concussion, we don't know yet. I have a broken thumb and my pretty face is a little bit swollen, but otherwise I'm fine.”

 

Grantaire felt his heart beat faster as he thought about his friends in that state.   
  
_At least their not dead. At least their not dead. At least their not dead._

 

“What about Boss?” Joly asked quickly.

 

“The poor guy finally had some luck come his way.” Courfeyrac said letting out a short and hollow laugh. “He managed to accidentally lock himself out onto the fire escape. He missed the whole fight.”

 

Joly let out a relieved laugh, running his hands through his hair and looking immensely calmer.

 

“Enjolras?” Grantaire and Combeferre both asked at once.

 

“Covered in blood. Not his blood, though. It's a good thing he suits red.”

 

Grantaire's entire chest rose and fell in a breathe he didn't even realise he was holding in. Enjolras was okay.

 

“Courf, what about the other men? Where are they now?”

 

“It was weird.” Courfeyrac said slowly. “I mean, we weren't exactly winning the fight or anything but all of a sudden there were distant sirens and they were gone. Bahorel managed to tackle one as they were trying to leave, which is how we think he might have broken his leg. We were all so surprised they weren't throwing punches any more that we didn't really have a chance to try and stop them.”

 

“I'll call you back. Stay at the hospital.” Combeferre said suddenly, hanging up the phone and leading Joly and Grantaire inside the main entrance.

 

“What's going on?” Grantaire asked confused as they made their way towards the elevators. “That's a good thing, right?”

 

“No, Grantaire it's not a good thing. We have no idea where they could be or what their next move is and right now you, them, all of us are in danger.”

 

“Oh.” Was all Grantaire could say as they stepped inside the elevator.

 

“Look, as soon as we get you upstairs and this information far away from us we can rest a little easier but until then it would be best if we assume that this is far from over.”

 

Joly wasn't paying attention to a word Combeferre was saying, he was frantically typing out a text to somebody. Grantaire's bet was on Musichetta.

 

“Then it will be over right?” Grantaire said turning his direction towards Combeferre. “I mean once it's all out there, we won't have to worry about this stuff... Right?”

 

Combeferre regarded him with kind eyes. “Try not to think about it. You need to rest. We've heard from the others, we know that they'll be alright. You don't have to worry about it tonight.”

 

Grantaire felt like arguing with him but instead just nodded slowly. He didn't know how either of them expected him to get any sleep when clearly they were far from 'alright'.

 

The elevator let them out with a ding, bringing Grantaire sharply back to reality. Enjolras' door was right in front of him. Despite the fact that he knew Enjolras was nowhere near he still had a strange apprehension going back inside, as though his presence had suddenly become taboo and strange. It was a relief to know that Enjolras and the others were going to be alright but there was also the crushing realisation that in the near future Grantaire would have to face him again.

 

He'd promised himself that he would do so; that he was done with running, done with hiding, done with avoidance, but now that the moment was finally getting closer, he didn't know if he had the strength. It was a strange revelation, that after everything he had been through this was the thing that frightened him the most.

 

They stepped inside Enjolras' rather cautiously, as Combeferre made sure to check every room to make sure they were really alone, Joly seemed to be eyeing Grantaire strangely.

 

“Drop it, Joly.” Grantaire said not unkindly. “I'm not going to the hospital.”

 

“It's not that.” Joly said carefully, checking over his shoulder to make sure Combeferre was still in Enjolras' room. He leaned against the hallway wall and rubbed the tip of his nose with his cane, sighing slightly. He looked exhausted. “Although it would be nice if you reconsidered.” He muttered.

 

“What then?”

 

“Something happened. I mean you can be stupid but I know you'd never purposely ignore us without telling us where you were. And if you were so upset that you didn't even notice we were trying to contact you, you must have been in a pretty messed up head-space. So are you going to tell me or am I just going to have to piece it all together based on borrowed information? Because you know I will. I'll buy a detectives hat and everything.”

 

Grantaire looked over to the kitchen bench, where the key he'd left was still sitting in the same place, untouched and unmoved. He wondered if Enjolras had seen it there.

 

Combeferre came out of Enjolras' room before Grantaire could respond. “I think we're alright, for now.” He said double checking the locks on the balcony door. He produced the flash drive from his pocket. “Do you think you both could stay here while I finally get this over with.”

 

“Of course.” Joly replied. “But should you really be going alone? Especially when they're out there?”

 

Combeferre pressed a small smile. “I won't be alone. Marius and Cosette are downstairs waiting for me.”

 

“That's going to be a fun car ride.” Grantaire muttered thinking about how liberal the two usually were with PDA. They were ten times worse in times of crisis. They usually held onto each other as though somebody was forcing them to let go.

 

“You'd better go.” Joly said.

 

Combeferre nodded and made his way out the door.

 

“Well?” Joly asked Grantaire the moment the door had closed.

 

Grantaire moved slowly into the living room, thinking how on earth he could describe what had happened to Joly without making them both look bad in retrospect.

 

“It's been weird.” He said slowly.

 

“What has?” Joly asked, moving to follow him.

 

“This whole... Situation. Living with him. Spending time with him. It's just been weird.”

 

“Good weird? Bad Weird?”

 

“Both.” Grantaire said honestly.

 

“Okay, is it because of... You know, how you feel about him?”

 

Grantaire leaned against the armrest of the couch, usually he'd be looking to shut down this kind of conversation as soon as it was brought up, but for some reason something inside him surrendered to it. As if it didn't matter what he said any more, the moment was already broken.

 

“That's definitely part of it.” He nodded folding his arms across his chest and looking towards his feet. “But I also feel like we're a lot closer for some reason. Which feels weird saying out loud but it's true. I mean he told me we were friends the other day. Two weeks ago I would have probably laughed in someone's face if they suggested that. But it makes sense to me now, and it's different.

 

“But I also feel like everytime something happens and we get closer to each other, we get more guarded. It's strange, it's like every time we pull down another wall, one more just comes up in it's place”

 

“So you guys are getting closer...” Joly said sitting down on the coffee table across from Grantaire. “Is that why you just up and left? You got scared?”

 

Grantaire shook his head. “No, I think he did.”

 

Joly blinked at him, obviously confused. “What do you mean?”

 

Grantaire looked up at Joly sadly. “He kissed me, and then he left.”

 

“He... Kissed you?” Joly said slowly, his voice suspicious.

  
Grantaire laughed. “Yeah, it took me by surprise too.”

 

Joly shook his head a small frustrated curse escaping him. “That bastard lied to me. I told him not to do that.”

 

Grantaire froze suddenly, his entire body stiffening. “Wait. What? You told him not to kiss me?”

 

“Not exactly.” Joly sighed running a hand through his hair. “Look, I'm not blind you know? I could see it happening. And really I'm not trying to insult you or anything but you are both just so truly terrible at this kind of thing. I caught him coming back from one of his failed attempts to get the information a few days ago and I, very politely mind you, asked him about you, specifically, about the two of you.”

 

Grantaire was speechless.

 

“He was surprisingly easy to break.” Joly continued smiling slightly. “I just kind of told him, you know you guys have a lot of history, and there's just so much going on at the moment and I know how hard it's been for you this last week. It's not an easy thing to deal with. I asked him to wait until things had calmed down and you were both in a better head-space.”

 

“Joly.” Grantaire said in disbelief. “That is not your decision to make.”

 

“I know that, alright? But when I suggested it to him he agreed that it wasn't the right time. And I've probably made this worse but this is the last thing you should be thinking about right now, Grantaire! You're stressed enough as it is.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I know it's none of my business, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything, and I know Enjolras wouldn't do anything like take advantage of your mental state right now or anything-”

 

“What mental state?” Grantaire asked wildly throwing his hands in the air. “I'm fine!”

 

“No, Grantaire.” Joly said sadly. “You're not.”

 

Grantaire took in a deep breathe, trying hard to stop the shaking in his fingers.

 

“I know I can't force you to go to the hospital, or to talk to somebody about this,” Joly continued standing up. “But the first step to actually getting better is admitting that you're not alright now.”

 

Grantaire felt a lump growing in the back of his throat, he didn't want to say anything for fear of his voice breaking, so instead he just shook his head.

 

“R,” Joly said, his own voice threatening to break. “I don't want to see this take hold of you.”

 

It took everything within him to not break there and then. Instead he took a deep breath, swallowing hard and pulling Joly into a tight hug.   
  
Grantaire didn't have to say anything, and Joly didn't ask, but they both knew that he'd finally admitted to himself the thing he'd been trying to push away for so long.

  
He wasn't okay.

 

*

 

Waiting for the others was as exhausting as it was terrifying. Every time Joly's phone buzzed they both jumped at it, waiting for some kind of bad news to break.

  
Thankfully, none came. Eventually Musichetta showed up with a rather downtrodden looking Bossuet,and embraced Joly in a massive bear-hug, before pulling Grantaire in with them as well.

 

“You're a jerk Grantaire.” Musichetta reprimanded, hitting him on the shoulder after letting him go.

 

“Your boyfriend said the same thing.”

 

Glad to be reunited once more the four migrated into the spare room, Joly, Bossuet and Musichetta collapsing in a pile on the bed. Grantaire sat with his legs crossed on the end while Bossuet told them all about what had happened at the apartment after Grantaire passed out.

 

“It was crazy. I couldn't see all that much from the fire escape, but I saw Enjolras, and he was terrifying. It was like he was capable of murder or something.”

 

Grantaire fell quiet. His mind wandering back to earlier in the night.

 

Eventually the night dragged on into early morning, and despite their best efforts to stay awake the three had involuntarily fallen asleep wrapped in each others arms.

 

Grantaire slipped out of the bedroom, unable to handle the quiet of his own company. There was a chill in the air as he stepped back into Enjolras' kitchen and ran his finger along the bench, stopping at the sink. Sitting in the dish rack was the small blue ceramic Elephant mug that Grantaire remembered being charmed by.

 

The Enjolras that Bossuet had described tonight, the one that Grantaire had witness firsthand and the one that drank out of a tiny blue elephant were not two separate entities but the same person.

  
There was a sudden click of a key turning in a lock and the front door creaking open. Grantaire stepped tentatively out of the kitchen towards the noise.

 

Standing in the splash of light coming from the hallway stood Enjolras. His hair was tangled in a storm of dried blood and debris and his clothes were dishevelled and stained.

 

Their eyes met across the room, Enjolras frozen on the spot.

 

It happened without any warning, Grantaire's resolve broke. A whole weeks worth of frustration and anger and fear and love came crushing down at him all at once. He felt the tightness in his chest explode as a heat began to rise in his throat. Hot tears dropped from his eyelashes as he stumbled forward. He didn't have to go far before he was grasped in a tight, warm embrace.

 

Enjolras was holding him as his knees gave way, and took his weight on his own as he guided him down gently to the floor. It didn't matter how close together their bodies were, it still wasn't enough.

 

Enjolras was wrapping one hand in Grantaire's hair while the other stroked gently down his back. Slowing his breathing and calming him down.

 

There was a soft press of lips on his hair before Enjolras shifted his forehead to rest on Grantaire's. They could have stayed like that for minutes or hours, but neither of them knew how long in actuality it had been. Time ceased to matter or exist while were pressed together.

  
Eventually Grantaire had calmed down enough to stop crying. His head was now resting against Enjolras' chest and the soft beat of his heart was threatening to put his exhausted mind to sleep. Instead he forced his eyes open and forced himself to look up towards Enjolras. Enjolras' gaze was already looking towards him as their eyes met again.

 

Grantaire knew that this was where he should say something. They had so much they needed to talk about, and so many things said and left unsaid that it needed to be done. But this moment, wrapped in Enjolras' arms, pressed against his chest and looking into his eyes, he wanted to encase it in his memory forever. No matter what happened next, at least he'd have this moment.

 

Eventually, Enjolras hands shifted away from him, and Grantaire knew the moment was over. Grantaire sat up, pushing himself to his knees.

 

“Where are the others?” Enjolras asked quietly getting to his feet.

 

“Asleep in my- in the spare room.” Grantaire replied.

 

Enjolras looked as though he wanted to say something, but instead offered Grantaire his hand. Grantaire took it, getting shakily to his feet.

 

“I think we need to-”

 

“I know.” Grantaire said looking down.

 

Enjolras nodded and headed towards his bedroom. Grantaire followed him reluctantly, feeling not for the first time as though he was marching towards death itself.

 

Grantaire had stood in Enjolras' bedroom doorway once, but he'd never been inside his room. It was strange stepping into it for the first time, as though he was crossing an unmarked barrier. He'd always expected Enjolras' room to be neat and tidy, almost Spartan. But instead there were a few scatterings of clothes and various belongings. Grantaire spotted a pile of photos laying on the corner of the night-stand, and picked them up without thinking.

 

There were more like the one he'd found of his friends in the spare room. A couple taken with Combeferre and Courfeyrac and a few more candid photos of the group. Enjolras was watching him as he flicked through them.

 

“I always mean to do something with those.” Enjolras said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Jehan keeps theirs in a scrapbook and Courfeyrac tacs them to his mirror, but I never get around to moving them from there.”

 

“Are they going to be alright?”

 

“They'll be fine. We've all been through much worse then this.”

 

Grantaire nodded knowing that Enjolras was referring to the aftermath of the rally. He placed the pictures back in their original spot before joining Enjolras on the bed. They sat there in silence for a second.

 

“Okay, I'm just going to say it.” Grantaire said shifting uncomfortably. “This is really awkward and this conversations going to suck.”

 

Enjolras let out a soft laugh, breaking the tension slightly before they feel in silence once more.

 

“I shouldn't have left.” Enjolras said quietly.

 

“Me neither.” Grantaire said, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his cheek against them. “Joly told me about your little conversation. That must have been fun.”

 

Enjolras furrowed his brow. “I had a lot of reasons to believe it was a bad idea. And one very convincing reason why it was a good one. I realised I shouldn't have done anything when it was already too late. When Bahorel called me and told me you weren't at the apartment I realised how horrible that must have been for you without context.”

 

“Well, even with context it still doesn't make me feel the greatest.” Grantaire said picking at a fray on his sleeve. He felt a storm of sadness threaten to overtake him. Knowing that Enjolras believed it was a bad idea suggested what he already knew; that this conversation had one road, and that road led to rejection.

 

Enjolras nodded glumly. “I'm sorry I did that to you. That's not how I wanted things to happen.”

 

Grantaire felt as though his heart was going to fall out of his chest. “What did you want to happen?” He asked, slightly terrified of Enjolras' answer.

 

Enjolras looked over to Grantaire, appearing to be thinking of the right thing to say.

 

“I didn't get a chance to tell you, over the phone.” Enjolras says, shifting his body slightly inwards to face Grantaire better, he lifted his eyes towards him. “But I love you as well. And I'd like to be in love with you properly, and to do this right... If you'll let me.”

 

“If... If I'll _let_ you?” Grantaire said slightly more high pitched then he intended and letting out a short laugh in disbelief. “Enjolras, It's _always_ been you. ”

 

Enjolras looked slightly surprised. “If you're not ready for anything yet or-”

 

“ _-Enj_.” Grantaire said softly, his heart was beating almost out of his chest and he felt as though his nerves could break, but he used every last bit of his courage to reach out for Enjolras' hand and hold it in his own. “I'm fucked up and broken and a bit of an asshole, but I'm also definitely ready for you.”

 

Enjolras looked at him as though he'd changed the colour of the sky and Grantaire felt as though his entire body could break.

 

“Don't run away this time, okay?” Grantaire said, a sudden urge grasping him.

 

He leaned in towards Enjolras, taking his cheek in his palm and kissing him tenderly. Enjolras entwined their fingers and put his other hand on Grantaire's side pulling him in closer. This kiss was less desperate then the last, but just as passionate.

 

They eventually pulled apart, leaning their foreheads together. Enjolras smiled at Grantaire when he finally opened his eyes. “I'm staying right here.” He replied breathlessly.

 

The sun was rising in the distance, washing over them in a pink and orange glow. Enjolras pulled Grantaire down so that they both were laying sideways along the bed and held him close.

 

“And you're staying too.”

 

They both jumped slightly when Enjolras' phone buzzed in his pocket a second later. He looked at the lock screen anxiously.

 

“Well?” Grantaire asked sitting up suddenly and willing to hope that the new day had brought good news.

 

“It's Combeferre.” Enjolras said quietly, he unlocked his phone and his eyes darted over the message. Enjolras paused when he reached the end of it and sucked a sharp breathe through his teeth.

 

“What did he say?” Grantaire asked tentatively.

 

“It's done.” Enjolras said in a breathe. Raising his shining eyes to Grantaire. “It's over. He's handed it over to the mayor.”

 

“Wait, the mayor?” Grantaire said frowning. “How do we know this guys clean? What if he tries to cover it up?”

 

“He'll have a hard time doing that.” Enjolras said letting out a relieved laugh. “Considering in about ten minutes all of Paris will wake up to the biggest news leak in recent history!”

 

Grantaire stared at Enjolras for a second before pulling him in with a firm kiss. “You're unbelievable.” Grantaire said.

 

“I didn't do this.” Enjolras said, running a hand through Grantaire's hair. “You did.”

 

“We did.” Grantaire grinned back at him. “Les Amis De l'ABC did.”

 

Enjolras didn't reply, instead he tugged Grantaire close to him once more and kissed him deeply.

 

 

 

_ **4 Months Later** _

 

 

Grantaire was drifting off again, despite the fact that his alarm had already buzzed and been snoozed three times. But it was just so tempting to fall back to sleep and ignore the world when his entire world was currently nuzzling against his neck and holding him tightly.

 

Blinking his eyes rapidly, he forced himself to wake up this time for good and looked down to where Enjolras lay, murmuring something about coffee and meetings. It was hard to pay attention when the hand curling in his hair, and the mouth pressed against his neck was so _distracting_.

 

“Enjolras.” Grantaire said as tenderly as he could. “We have to get up. We're going to be late.”

 

“Five more minutes and we'll get up.” Enjolras murmured sleepily.

 

Grantaire let out a soft laugh. “You said that five minutes ago. You know if we keep showing up late to meetings they're going to start calling me a bad influence on you.”

 

“Good influence.” Enjolras mumbled, tightening his grip on Grantaire as he shifted his body against him. “Five more minutes. You're not going anywhere.”

 

Grantaire looked around the room that once belonged to Enjolras, trying to keep himself awake. A messy pile of his own clothes lay in the corner, his sketchbook was stuck between an old battered copy of Enjolras' ' _War and Peace'_ and a journal he used to take notes at meetings, two empty cups were sitting on the night-stand and the collage of Photos that Grantaire had pinned to an old canvas hung opposite their bed.

 

“No,” He said smiling and placing a small kiss on Enjolras' forehead as Enjolras let out a small satisfied noise. “I'm not going anywhere.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for taking this journey with me. I truly feel blessed when I think of all the support you've given me. Please let me know what you think of the ending.
> 
> Also talk to me on tumblr! I'm vivalamusaine there too and I love talking with you guys!
> 
> There going to be a few more fics to come. I'm collaborating with Granteares on a Les Amis camp au, I have a JBM getting together fic currently in process and of course I'm always writing ficlets and HC's on my tumblr.
> 
> As for put up the walls? I may be writing it again from Enjolras' perspective. Obviously there was a lot that remains unexplored when you only go through one characters point of view and I'd like to explore that more. 
> 
> Let me know if you'd be interested in reading :)
> 
> Thank you all my lovelies and I love you <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at vivalamusaine. Check me out ;)


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